happy new year friends

To all my friends...

birthday post (get while the gettin's good)

Thank you Jon, Russ, Randall and Steve for the fantastic birthday day and dinner. I really appreciate it, more than I would ever try to express.
I was trying to lead up to this somehow, but I don't have much else. I know what is wrong with me, but I don't. I know I am aged, divorced and have a child. I can see how that can be scary and different than other situations. Fine. But, I am aged and learned, which means I am not doomed to fuck up as much as I used to (aka learn from the many, many mistakes I have made). I am divorced, so fucking what? Who hasn't had a breakup? At least we are cool and still care a great deal for one another and so forth. That is more than I can say for so many of the other break up's I have experienced. I have a child. This is the one that I can see could be troubling. This is the greatest responsibility anyone can take. I took it willingly and wantingly (not a word, birthday poetic license). I am not asking anyone to share the weight, but I can see the other side. Not asking in this situation doesn't mean much. If you hang with me, you are hanging with Eva period. I guess that is asking in a fashion. Ok, those are immutable, everything else is negotiable.
Wow, what a day. I had another great one on the slopes, heard from friends near and far, and had a fantastic dinner. I am now being called down to rejoin the (my?) party. What does the below quote have at all to do with the post? You tell me.

if one going down into a river,
swollen and swiftly flowing,
is carried away by the current --
how can one help others across?

nonsense

Ok, who knows what the fuck is coming off the fingers now.  I know this:  I was in the snow today.  I am in tahoe city.  I am at the bad mother hucker chalet.  What else do I know?  Not very much.  I know that being goofy and in the middle on lifts is not the best.  How many sentences can I start with "I".  You count pleaes and get back to me.  Well, hasn't bloging taken the essence of what Jack Kerouac was trying to acheive and perverted it completely and truely?  Case in point:  ME.  Your friendly neighborhood phony wannabe writer.  Better luck next time, ya?

festivus

My father visited me in my sleep last night for the 3rd time since his death nearly 13 years ago.  Those of you who dismiss this statement outright, click away NOW,
Everyone else:
The first time it happened was about 2 years after his death.  He chase me through many dreamscapes, desperately trying to get my attention.  I was keenly aware of presence but would not acknowledge it.  Finally, as morning crept in, he was able to catch up to me enough to grab me by the arm and pull me to face him.  He said only one thing:  This is not a dream, it is really me.
And I awoke.
The second time was just as things were all falling apart at home less than 2 years ago.  Even though it had been 8 or so years since his last visit, I have never forgotten it even in my sleep and was quite receptive to his presence.  This time I was ready for a message and he knew it.  My dad was not a touchy feely man, almost never prone to sentiment and certainly not one to paint a rosy picture.  This time the message was a direction; a dose of clairatly.  He said to me:  You need to be a better person, you need to try harder.
And I awoke.
The third time was last night, Christmas eve of all nights.  I was having particularly vivid dreams last night.  Dreams of hope and love.  Dreams of peace and prosperity, not for me, but for all.  This time was very similar to the first visit with juxtaposition.  I knew he was there the whole time.  I continued to try to make time in my dream to speak with him, but got distracted.  Not in a this is more important than that distracted.  Dream priority distracted.  I think this was part of the point of the message.  It wasn't yet time to deliver it.  There were things to observe prior.  There were worlds to explore.  This time the message was a question; a message of inspiration and beauty.  He said to me:  Do you still dream?
And I awoke.

Yes, I do.  Thanks Dad for the visit.
Thanks for reading friends.
Come dream with me!

licking rocks

I have a fragile psyche.  By this I mean that my sense of self is ever changing, turning.  I had a dream when I was a child of about 11 that I was riding a dirt bike around an oval.  I was racing and jumping, around and around.  My parents were in the stands, but they weren't rooting or cheering.  They were asking me a series of rather odd questions.  What are you doing?  Why are you here?  As it turned out, I was sleepwalking and had wondered into my parents room.
The track is my psyche, my parents reality, and the bike is my ride through this mess.  On occasion, I wonder into reality and deconstruct.  I do not find this to be positive or negative.  Today, I had an eruption of reality.  Some of my self died today as every day and some new came to life.  It was just more painful than usual.  I took action and am moving on.  What else would I do with myself if I wasn't doing this all the time? 
Yea I used some of this earlier today.  If you heard it before, consider yourself lucky.  A comedian only practices his jokes to his most trusted friends.

today

things got pretty sour

Here i was, Friday afternoon before the holiday.  I have been working all week even though I was supposed to be on vacation beginning since Wednesday.  That never happens anyway, no surprise.  Anyone looking for coherency, turn away now, scrambled eggs is all you will find here. 
I had a client for Monday that was already leaning to the pleasant side with me.  That should have been a fairly simple day.
That would have left plenty of time for the other tasks on the list:

• pick up board from shop
• go to storage and grab some vinyl
• pack container for cabin
• go to gym
• hang with eva

You know, life.  The stuff I am not able to do most of the time.
I then had a pretty cool day planned for Tuesday.  I had a client set up in SF which personally assisted in the sale of more of my time (a first for me).  I had lunch plans with a couple of friends who are heading back home that day.  The it was back to vinyasa.  Let me tell ya, this shit is rad.  I have been saying for about two years that I just haven't found any workout that gives me the workout I require besides the running, until now. 
Well, all that came to a halt right in the middle of a short errand run.  I had been told over and over this week:  There is no way you are going to Wisconsin.  Well, guess what?  I'm going to Wisconsin.  Yep, I have a 12:30 flight headed straight into the midwest.  My only hope now?  The weather is too bad for the plane to depart.  This is a dangerous wish.  The same wish can get me stuck there for a week.  What are you gonna do?
Move on, that's what.  I am amazed at the focusing power of sudden change.  I am also thankful for all the kind thoughts.  Even the travel agent assured me that there would be no way I was actually flying out on Sunday.  One particularly generous friend even went so far as to guarantee as much and confirm our plans.  I really, really hope this is right, but I am not holding my breath.  Of course, none of us truly knows the future.  Well, not me anyway. 

teammates

This is what we all are.  Teammates.  At work, home and on the road.  Teammates back you up and you do the same for them.  That is the point isn't it?  I have been thinking quite a bit about my teammates today.  In the office I had a someone come up big for me today.  I was on the hook for something that I had no way of fixing and no way to control.  I was charged with traveling on Sunday to Wisconsin in order to clearly document our lack of responsibility.  I and others have been able to prove this 5 separate times and corroborate our results.  For a reason that I know but never understand, the customer is completely unwilling to accept responsibility for this issue.  This is a very old story among a certain type of customer.  Well everything worked ok before you got here so this cannot be our fault and must be yours.  Never mind, you have nothing else like what we do in your environment and have never tried this sort of thing before, not your fault.  Of course.  But I digress (just kidding, I am always digressing).  My teammate came up big for me on this and extricated me.  I am extremely grateful for this.  Now I don't have to yell out in the immortal words of Cheap Trick "Hello Wisconsin" on Sunday night!
I also came up big on a new team today at work.  I was able to sell my own services and extra product to a client that is local.  I worked with a channel that I usually don't work with in order to complete this process.  The ink isn't down but I believe this will happen.  And that is work.  It is very clear who your teammates are and how to be a good one at work.
Now, what makes a good teammate in the social world?  Don't ask me, man; I don't know.  I do know this:  I am a good one and have a bunch of good ones too.  You know who you are.  Thanks teammates!

relentless

Oh, do I have character flaws.  What I wouldn't give to be Billy Budd right now.  His was kinda big, but at least it was just one.  Yea, he was a character not a person, don't get technical.  This one, I had always thought of as a positive.  There is no such thing as always, you know.  Only moments.  Right, back to the subject.  Relentless is my name, and I am sticking to it.  I mean cheese on bread, toasted and buttered, I am not perfect and will not ever be.  I can and will do my best.  But consciousness is a bitch, ey.  I know this is just a thing that I do not a thing that I am.  That means that I now have to curb my enthusiasm.  I have to try and control myself in another way.  I have a new task.
Ok, task accepted, now what?  Seriously.  It seems that the more I learn, the less possible it all seems.  No one said it would be easy or fun.  My brain is wild and uncontrolled, but also open.  I am willing to learn and try.
I am writing just to write right now and do not think that is the direction I want to go.  I am writing to ease some steam.  Not such a bad thing.  tiring, relenting.

smiles, everyone, smiles

This is a hard time of year for many of us.  We are rushed and forced all over the place.  Pressured and prodded, pushed and bullied.  The other way to describe it is Christmas in America.  Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. And we will teach you how to spend every last cent of discretionary income on useless items.  We will pressure you from late August right up to the end and even after the holiday; we just call it a season now.  I don't have all that much to say about this besides I have been fortunate enough to avoid this disgust for the last two years and have been reaping the peace.  I am not about to tell you don't consume.  Just don't expect me to, at least not right now. 
To be honest, this confuses me a bit (what doesn't?).  I love to consume.  I am not attached to stuff (sure) but I like stuff.  I like looking at stuff, using stuff, eating stuff.  I guess what I don't like about this whole thing is the idea that I am forced to buy something, anything for everybody that I care about and even some that I don't due to social pressures.  that is where my issue resides.  Fuck what do I know what makes people happy.

barber shop psychology

so, I wanted to get a haircut today at lunch.  Where does a guy with my hair style go to get his hair cut?  Barber.  I google mapped up the closest barber to the office where I was working.  Makes sense, right?  Did to me anyway.  Place looked like a barber shop on the outside (had a barber poll) and I didn't notice much else about it.  I guess it just looked like a regular barber shop.  It isn't like there are tons of these around anymore and that is partly why I seek them out.  So, I walk in.

Oh, this isn't a barber shop, this is the barber shop.  You know the one.  I think it was in at least 2 Eddie Murphy movies and countless others.  Well, I opened the door, I was going to go in.  In fact, seemed kinda cool to me.  For those of you who do not frequent barber shops, the custom is to sit and wait your turn, they will get to you when they get to you.  So that is what I did.  I am not blind, there were 7 of us in the place and I was the only white man.  Most were younger then me and dressed as such.  It was cold and snowing out so timberland boots, down jackets and beanies were what I would have expected anyone to be wearing.  I had a book on my for the wait and started to read it but soon began eavesdropping and observing instead.  At least one of the customers had just finished college and one more was well on his way.  The conversations were free flowing and sing song but muted.

Then the old timer walked in and court was in session.  He proceeded to sit in the middle barber chair and set in on every single individual.  Everyone knew everyone else in there (besides me).  This was when I was granted permission to participate.  After a few muted chuckles at his boisterous descriptions he turned to me and asked:  you arabian or somethin'? or just a plain old white boy?  Plain old white boy here.  Well, you must not be around here, because around here plain old white boys don't come around here.  yea, from california.  Well around here, we don't mix.  Where was this going?  I suppose it was up to me, and it was.  I simpy said where I am from people's people. (yea I got in the spirit a little bit, so what?)

From there I realized that they were freaked out in a way that I had intruded into their sanctuary.  They all had to fit into the white world outside those doors, but in there they didn't have to be anything or anyone.  Once I joined the sentiment it was on.  I was a full participant in the barber shop banter until my cut was done.  Also, while I was getting cut, my barber was asking me computer questions very softly, so no one else could hear what he was asking about.  He knew quite a bit and was totally on it

I got to tell ya, that 2 hours I spent there made my week.  Before, I had been slaving tirelessly all week, not working less than 15 hours any day.

Once the door is open, don't hesistate, walk in.  You never know what you are going to find.

fridays to a business traveler

TGIF my ass.  Fridays are the worst day of the week for a guy like me.  I have to get to my client early (7am est today) and leave late, catch a plane back to the west coast just in time to arrive before Saturday starts.  I mean, what is at all good about a 21 hour work day?  The end, that is what.  Oh right, I have been gone all week and may want to catch up with my friends and family or something of that nature.  Good luck with that.  I woke up at 3am est today due to some glitch in the system.  That means that by the time I get home, I will have been up for 24 hours.  I am not saying that this will make me go to bed.  No, something much worse happens.  I tough it out and go somewhere.  This never ends well, unless you think Josh making an ass of himself again is well.  Tonight is no different.  I would like to catch up with a friend in SF tonight.  Oh you have an idea for me; why not catch a nap on the plane.  Um, have you been on a plane lately?  I am not complaining, I have no problem flying, just not a place that you can really catch a good sleep.

Motion detecting bathrooms:  All in all this is a good idea.  I have seen all kinds of craziness in bathrooms for the sake of automation and sanitation, all with varying degrees of success.  I have seen my kid on several occasions look at a toilet in a restaurant that is not automatic with perplexity in her eyes, like what are you waiting for, I'm done, go for it.  This, I think, also causes her to forget to flush at home once in a while (another story all together).  The shop I am in this week has an over-active soap dispenser.  this means I have to maneuver my hand around the damn thing just to rinse the soap off; all the while the damn dispenser continues to spit it's load at me.  This is clearly not serving it's purpose.  No one notices or cares, I guess.

Whatever.  I had a bit of time to kill, so I figured, why not you too.

Just to be clear, don't ever feel sympathy for me regarding these musings.  I write them to entertain, pure and simple.  I am not in any way discontented by this setup.  If I was, I would change it, guaranteed. 

Note to self:  knock it off with all the disclaimers.  If you are going to put it out there, you cannot control how it is received.  Don't try.  The trying in and of itself is debilitating and counterproductive.

my clone wears a brown shirt

He doesn't read this and neither should you.

Listen up friends, or don't.  Advice is the worst advice you can get.  Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate it.  I know it all comes from a place of love but it just served to confuse me.  Also, I know I asked.  That is probably precisely the point.  If I had more confidence in my instincts, i wouldn't have to ask.  I would just do.  Thanks anyway, really this is all my fault.

Self fulfilling prophecies, are they real?  This discussion can go in many directions.  I will choose one (or two) not sure yet.  Look for a reason to succeed and you will succeed.  Look for a reason to fail, guess what?  I was telling my dear friend the other day regarding work:  You start looking for a job, and you have already said goodbye to the one you have now.  Maybe that is narrow.  I feel that once you have decided that your situation is bad enough to look for a new one, the old one has ended.  I would spell it out for you but I am not in the mood.  You go after something you want or think you want (what is the difference there?).  You think you are being positive, cool, whatever.  There is something in the back of your head.  You know, that thing that says:  um dude, you aren't smart enough, you are bald, fat, old, mentally ill, damaged, uneducated, etc.  You know deficient.  You say to yourself that you aren't listening to that voice, you are bigger than that; but you hear it just fine.  Right there you are fucked, right?  the grave has been dug and it is just waiting for you to fall into it.

Ah, but wait.  There is one weapon against this.  Awareness.  Recognition.  This is how you say FUCK YOU! to that fucking asshole who happens to reside inside your head.  FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.  I am not listening this time.  I am not succeeding or failing, I am living.  And I am doing the best I can, so you can keep your shit ass opinions to yourself.

This is what I have chosen. no more advice, no bull shit self fulfilling prophecies, just me doing what I do.  And doing a pretty fucking good job at it.  I know I should watch my mouth but I am fucking pissed, deal or leave.

PEACE yo, to you and me.

When things become manifest
To the ardent meditating brahmin,
All one's doubts then vanish since one understands
Each thing along with its cause.

Special shout out to Marc.  Sorry for what is going on with you.  But I am most sorry that I have been so self centered to not have noticed.  I am thankful to have you as a friend and that you are who you are.  Hang tough, you rule and you will pull through.

bits and pieces

well, I don't have a full idea today, but I have some partials.  First thing, I wanted to talk about the passive listening system employed by most men; especially married men.  The way this works is kinda like tivo.  Your significant other, boss, et al is yapping at ya about how you didn't finish your chores, work, prayers and you are watching the game, star trek, playing video games.  Then the inevitable happens.  The:  Are you listiening to me?  Yes.  Well, what did I just say?  Bingo, this is where the passive system comes in handy.  You are able to repeat pretty much verbatum even thougth your consciesness was barely aware there was anyone there.  This tecnique is somewhat secretive, so if you women plan on asking about this, you will be flatly dismissed, as far as you are concerned, we are listening with bated breath.  This is a time honored tradition passed on from gristly old veterans to young nuptial bucks over beer and bbq, subtly and gradually.  I remember the day I was imparted this wisdom for the first time.  I was waiting in the car with my dad for my mom to finish up her 45 minute goodbyes.  That was when he gave me my first clue as to what the PLS (passive listening system) was all about and how to use it.  Go forward, listen, passivly!

I know its strange another way to get to know you
you'll never know unless we go so let me show you
i know its strange another way to get to know you
we've got till noon here comes the moon
so let it show you
show you now

dinners

I have been having fits and starts lately here without any fruit. I have had 3 unpublished posts this week. I think I have gotten a grip on what is going on. I have so much to say but find it daunting to release it. Because of this, I am not moving forward with the rest. As of now, I am putting the other aside and moving forward with another avenue of thoughts.
Dinners:
I had 3 magnificent dinners this week!
Monday, a friend and I went to a very nice establishment in San Francisco. Thanks much to Ms. Guido for her fine suggestion. The food was terrific and all, but I didn't eat much. Rather I enjoyed 3 hours of fantastic exploratory surgery.
Wednesday, Hollywood baby. I, and my three dates (yea, that's right, three) went to a fabulous hollywood shi shi sushi place. Paparazzi were stationed outside and celebs in. We saw a Mr. Zack Braff. One of my dates left me to chase him into the bathroom, just for a looksee. I wish I had remembered that my bro's wife went to college with him and I had already been told if I ran into him to say hello because they used to hang. Oh well, next time.
Friday, dinner with my daughter at the homestead. Yea, that doesn't sound nearly as glamourous or exciting as the other two, but it was indeed just as special. I miss that little one when I am out of town. I especially did this week following the terrific week of travel we had the week prior.
All for now. Just checking in.

Those who mistake the unessential to be essential
and the essential to be unessential,
dwelling in wrong thoughts,
never arrive at the essential.

restraint (special effects pt 2)

yea, that last post sucked. I just re-read it and realized I am not interested in rehashing what went on last week. I will, in time tell some of the stories, but I haven't processed it all yet.
I had a wonderful talk with an old friend this evening. Boy was that nice.
I got another call from a different old friend who provided perspective and one of those such sought after ah-ha moments. It was wonderful and frightening, but also actionable, serious upside when that happens. What is the point of an ah-ha moment that is past due.
the circle of phone wisdom completed itself with a practical application of my realization.
Some time ago I realized that I had no community. Wrong. I have no local community, but I have a fantastic network. We are far apart in distance, but close as hell in heart. Thanks.
I got some interesting comments about what I write here, freaked me out. Wanted to quit. This may sound weird, if you read this and like it, keep it to yourself. I mean that in the nicest way, but this is really hard for me to do and it makes it harder to know someone actually reads this crap. I can go on and on about this...past is past.
I have had some very uneven behavior lately, but I think, somehow things are changing for the better. I have found a core problem and have been facing it all day. I am not comfortable explaining it all here until I explain it to the person that is most owed the explanation.
Brain is in knots again over my perspective move to San Francisco. I believe in the depths of my soul that I need this for me, but am not sure what I am asking Eva to do is in any way reasonable. Ultimately, she will be fine but if I didn't consider her at every step, what kind of father would I be?
I have so much to say all of a sudden. unfortunately duty calls. More to come...

Good is restraint in the body; good is restraint in speech;
good is restraint in thought. Restraint everywhere is good.
The monk restrained in every way
is freed from all suffering.

special effects pt1

Well, I have been hesitant to write lately. My thoughts have been muddy and obtuse, but something needs to be said about this last week. Lucky for me this is a blog, my blog.

Housekeeping:
Thanksgiving was fantastic. Eva was a champion traveler. The only time she scared me was when she told me she no longer wanted to live in San Francisco. Total false alarm. And I quote: Daddy, I don't want to move in San Francisco anymore (I turn pail and hold my breath) I want to move to New York (breath comes out and huge smile crosses my face). Eva rules so hard. Amanda's (my brother's wife) family were so gracious and welcoming. As always New York treated me well.

The Reunion:
I am sure I am going to miss something but I am going to take a shot. First things first. Oh my, it was wonderful to see all those smiling faces in one place. Thanks all that made this happen.
I have to admit that it was nice to be a big shot at a club again for one night. I will never say I miss it, and know I don't, but for one night, it was fun.

My brain:
This is the hard part. Most of what I have thougth about I am terrified to write. In fact, I am not sure it will happen right now. I think I will post this as is and continue the brain part when my fear subsides.

back to nothing

with nothing is how I came in a that is how I return.  I have no fear of this.  Tomorrow is what I fear.  Who will I disappoint next.  How will I sabotage another great thing in my life.  How much pain will I inflict with my callous heart?  

I imagined myself a righteous person.  I thought that I had been considerate and kind.  I have been considerate and kind to exactly one person, ME.  That is not good enough.  Who do I think I am today?  I cannot answer it, and don't expect you to.  All I know is that I have been laying the tracks of manipulation and misdeed.  I have caused trust to turn sour without concern for the shelf life.  I have turned my back on those that I can truly help so I can see the ones who's help is not needed but much more gratifying.

All along singing my praises to anyone who would listen, and often to those who had no choice.  My poor family.  

Churn churn churn.

I could say today is the day of awakening, but there have been others.  I do not awaken; I stir and slumber.  There are glimpses, but no insight.  I climb, I fall.  pattern repeated.  time marches on.  

Wait, I see something;  something really good;  Oh yea, this is not deserved.  Destroy it I must.  It will be destroyed anyway.  Maybe there is mercy in recognizing and sparing, but I doubt it.  The abandonment of logic is painful enough.  Change comes slowly, so slowly...

And all the donuts have

Names that sound like prostitutes

And the moon's teeth marks are

On the sky like a tarp thrown over all this

what is really happening

Here I was thinking that the election was important. Silly me.

what now?

I spent a lot of energy lately on our country's fine election. Obviously that has passed. It has left me with a bit of emptiness. For a few days, I have been wondering what the empty feeling is all about. I get it. Back to limboland. I am cool with that. Patience is a weakness of mine and now is a good time to work on that.

inspiration

change has come to America.  I couldn't be happier for and prouder for us as a nation.  Even three months ago, I doubted this possible.  Then the unimaginable happened:  our economy collapsed.  This opened the door to a new way of thinking about this election and our past 8 years.  It had become a time for a change for almost everyone.  The impossible became possible.  You all got off your butts and decided to do something about it.  Thank you.
California, I am not so proud of.  Although it is not final yet, it sure looks like a little more than 1/2 of us decided to add bigotry into our constitution.  This is shameful and wrong.  I will not give up, I will not surrender to hatred and this will not go away.  Please, those of you who began this fight, do not view this as a loss.  It is not over, just delayed.  We shall overcome, we shall prevail, we will be free, each and everyone of us, to share in the same rights as every other American!  Thank you again, those of you who took this fight to the streets and to your homes.  Your effort was not waisted.  Go forth and forward!
Josh's drunken election night:
Ok, I set out to have a nice calm night.  Took the dc metro over to Virginia, where my boss was staying.  We haven't spent all that much time together in the last year.  I hold a huge amount of admiration and respect for this man.  He truly cares about me and the work we do together.  We had a very nice dinner, Thanks Steve.
I could have gone home then, but being in DC, I wanted to go and experience the election results up on the hill, so off I went.   I went to an area called Morgan/Adams.  There were a lot of bars up there with various young politicos.  There were muted celebrations.  I saw some interesting things.  The most interesting thing I saw was that the politicos were somewhat subdued.  Readying whatever angle they needed to prepare for the next for years.  Always working, I guess.  My celebration didn't really start till I arrived back at my hotel.
First I called all my close friends and family.  Thanked them and told them I loved them.  Watched the speech below.  Got inspired.  Started down my address book and called everyone in there.  I told them I loved them (I do), and celebrated with each and every one of them on the phone till I passed out (I got to d).  Thank you all for sharing with me during that special moment in time.  Let's move forward with hope and dreams.  Love and happiness.  We can and did make a difference.  I hope everyone realizes what they have done for their country and remembers to keep doing it.  Power to the people.  Love, peace and hair grease.

Arise! Do not be heedless!
Lead a righteous life.
The righteous live happily
both in this world and the next.

Ok, maybe I am a bit stir crazy~~~~~~

Someone asked me today "are you getting restless?"  I answered no right away, No.  Well those right away answers may sometimes be right, but, and I know this is so unlike me, I thought about it a little more.  that question was right on, but I didn't  even realize it.  I am not restless with my job.  I am restless with my living situation.  I am sick of living out here secluded from my life;  secluded from my office; secluded from my aspirations.  I have 6 am meetings almost every morning.  By the time I am done with those meetings, I am basically stuck here.  I can not or,  will not, at that point get up and drive/train to my office in SF.  So I am stuck in this hole of an apartment for the rest of the day's work.  It sucks to work here.

And that isn't even really the point.  I have made a decision to move somewhere else.  I am biding time.  I am seldom good at that particular venture.  Decision has been made, time to go.

I am restless because I am sick of living here and am ready to move on. 

Ok, now that I have realized that, I can assimilate with it and make it a livable situation.  It is no longer a creature lurking behind me that others can see, but I just couldn't catch a glimps.  I got you now!

good are friends when need arises;
good is contentment with just what one has;
good is merit when life is at an end,
and good is the abandoning of all suffering.

too tired to write

I got nothing.  Hope today found everyone warm, well and happy.

almost there.

jean michel
hello?
is this the suicide hot line?
Yes
my name is joe, what's yours?
jean michel
jean michel, what's that french?
Haitian...I'm gonna, I'm gona blow my brains out
wait a minute talk to me
no I'm going to take these pills
what kind of pills?
reds blues greens, whole fuckin rainbow trustee's harassin me
are you in prison?
no, city's killing me
Tell me about it, your talking to the right guy. How's it killing you?
boyfriend left.
I've been there; do you love him?
not specially, I'm alone; we all are here; respect fools get, disrespect i get
I have respect for you just for makin this call; this is not an easy call to make
you won't be so arrogant when the police arrive
you ok? what's that noise?
It's my mother...

Heavy sigh for all of you out there. There is peace, one way or another. This has been etched in my head for so long now. It is a reminder of what might have been. What might have happened. No matter how close you get, you are not there. Don't be there. Get help.

I am aggravating

To those of you who know me, this is no surprise. I live my life in controlled chaos. I am ok with that; no, I enjoy it. Lately this truth has been especially acutely difficult with some. Let me say first of all: I am truly sorry, I mean no harm, I am trying my best to mitigate this for those it effects.

That being said. there are a few things I know I am particularly exceptional at. One of those things is living in this chaos. It doesn't phase me. I actually think I enjoy it. This is the life I chose to lead. I am not sure I ever wanted to be certain of what tomorrow will bring, where I will be or who will be there. I do my best to live moment to moment.

Well, that doesn't work out too well when others are not on that path with you.

I will do everything in my power to make this as comfortable as possible for those people, but I will not sacrifice my dreams just for this and would never expect another to do that for me. It is what it is.

lighter side
I had never been to dc before last month. I am heading there next week. The last time I was there congress was ironing out the budget bail out bill. Next week I will be there to experience the national election. timing is everything, right?

I heard from a friend yesterday that I haven't in many years. s/he thanked me for something that happened a long time ago. All I can say is you are welcome, you have always been welcome and I am glad I could be there.

Whatever an enemy might do to an enemy,
or a foe to a foe,
the ill-directed mind
can do to you even worse.

it can't always be sunshine

This is what I know. People love to be happy. People want to be happy. Yet, people are rarely happy for very long. I am no self help artist, although, I do try and help myself. The pendulum which as followed me as long as I can remember has again swung to a familiar place. Inward, always inward. Self-centered loathing. I have spent the better part of two days trying to fight my deep rooted need to punish myself for imperfection. Who do I think I am anyway? Perfection is basically theoretical in the most clinical of settings, let alone human interaction.

Decisions have been made. Back to the basics. I am, I can, I will...

Oh, I turned so far outward, expecting, craving, averting. I let id in, turned ego up and went forth. Recipe for misdeed and disorder. My outward voice became so loud, it was all I can hear. Somewhat reflective of a child's ever changing need belief. I headed face first into a crisis of which the only solution I have ever know is to begin again. Fortunately that is very workable and can be quite positive.

What comes next? Only tomorrow knows.

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me

All's well that...

abbreviated airport post
Melissa Pierce, in her piece continually asks the question: Is the planned life even worth living? Since I found Melissa and her questions, I have been continuously pondering this and other related questions. I have made her questions my own. My answer, especially today is: Not only is it not worth living, it doesn't exist and if one is delusional to believe it does, one has precluded oneself from real and lasting happiness.

I have most definitely perverted her central theme to fit my life, but I believe that the question is universal and the theme even more so. My life in perpetual beta is just that, beta. Perfection is the end of growing, the end of learning. In software, beta is unfinished. In life, beta is life being lived.

This time

The onset of my feelings of detachment started early on this week. I got to the point of questioning my literal existence (metaphorically). This is not to say I am wondering about my purpose or place. Nothing so intense. Had a discussion with my brother about it today and wrote a friend as a thought filter device. Instead of rewriting, I will excerpt:

I am working on an army base. That in itself is very sequestering. Where i am staying in St. Louis is not the best neighborhood. I have been told by several people that it is not safe at night. One person told me that a person just up and disappeared from that very neighborhood last week.
discussion with brother:

Me:I believe I exist, so I exist.

My brother is much more literal: I am made of matter, matter is real, therefore I am real.

The point of this all is really that I have come to know that I am in the middle of an extremely long stretch of this kind of schedule and I have not accepted it. Once I do, that is that. All the scheming regarding a way out cause angst. Yo, I know this, I am just not perfect.

After writing this, realization struck. I have been heading this way all week. I began this trip separated from reality and drifted further and further away until I had completely forgotten to remember this.

I am, whether I like it or not. There is no scalpel or hatchet involved here, just me. I love my life and wouldn't trade it, just lost track of it. Thought I disappeared. Craved attention. Fell back. Found a place close enough to center to call home.

Well, I didn’t know, just couldn’t see
The memories of past failures
Like a shadow haunting me

There was a dream
I wanted to come true
But dreams
You know they need to be followed through

That’s why this time, this time
I’m gonna try it my way
I’m gonna live life my way

just notes

My boss bought me this today. I believe that this object is an extremely expressive representation of the way I live my life right now. The truth is, this thing is really going to make my life a lot easier. After all, that is what technology is supposed to do.

Moving on.

Several souls have moved on lately. I will not go into my personal feelings about this transition; not today. My heartfelt sympathies go out to these families. Loss is never easy.

I have lost several coworkers this week. That chaotic, not sure, hunker down feeling is starting to set in. Communication has slowed and the grapevine has become overgrown. It keeps reaching and reaching; even me out here, alone on the road. Grapes taste good, but the vine can entangle or topple. Stay away. (I never do this). So I am going to say "listen, but don't touch!"

Got contacted by a voice from the past yesterday. This seems like a good lead in for a story, but, actually that is all I have to say about that.

I was walkin' down the street on a sunny day
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba
Feelin' in my bones that I'll have my way
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba

Well, I'm a happy boy (happy boy)
Well, I'm a happy boy (happy boy)
Oh, ain't it good when things are goin' your way? Hey hey

My little dog, Spot got hit by a car
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba
Put his guts in a box and put him in a drawer
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba

I forgot all about it for a month and a half
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba
I looked in the drawer and started to laugh
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba

life on a base

first things first this guy has the right idea!

I am "stationed" at an army base in St. Louis this week. I am teaching a class at the USDA. I have not had many (no) experiences hanging out at a base. I have to be honest. The place scares me. there are gigantic white halls that seem to go on forever. All rooms are coldly named by a letter/number combo like h-412. My car was checked for explosives as I entered. As usual, with government agencies, the staff doesn't want to hear a word from me that may involve giving them more work to do. Needless to say, the class is going just ok. The person who brought me in is very intelligent and I can sense her frustration with the fight I am getting from every single person in the class. Every single person, that is, besides the old man in the corner who's mouth is always 1/2 open and seems like he may keel over any second. He somehow missed his cushy government pension and kept on going. (There is always this guy in these classes I teach at government agencies).

I had a crazy weekend (if you wanna call it that). Worked till midnight on Friday; got up went to the gym (great run); came home and took care of whatever home stuff I could do in 6 hours; packed for this week. Proceeded to pick up friend at the airport, jetted to SC and got my get down on. Had a weird but wonderful evening; am making a new friend; so impressed by this person; surprised I am even writing it so publicly. Anyway, strange and twisted time. Had an errand to run first thing in the morning yesterday. Friend needed to ride back over the hill with me. Told person it was time to go and was told that it wasn't time yet and could I return after my errand to pick person up. Actually did that, was the right thing to do, turns out. Picked up my rider, headed back over the hill, dropped rider off, drove to sfo, hopped a plane to St. Louis. Here I am!

(Thanks for being you!)


Wisdom springs from meditation;
without meditation wisdom wanes.
Having known these two paths of progress and decline,
let one so conduct oneself that one's wisdom may increase.

thought storm

My brain is way out of control this week. It is as if I don't want to have clear thoughts. Even as I am writing this, one hand is pushing forward as the other pushes away. The search continues. Focus is tricky. One can believe that he is interested in self awareness. One can know that this is the purest pursuit possible to man. sometimes this goes well. It always goes well in a box. I don't live in a box. I don't even like to get in the box all that much. But outside that box, neatness counts but is difficult. I cannot even complete this post properly. Inner conflict ensues.

I seldom agree to something I don't want to do. I often find myself in a situation where I believe I have gone to far in to back out. I have a couple of those situations today. Responsibility meets needs. My needs are also my responsibility.

Lots of bad news this week. Although I have been more self centered than usual, I seem to have had enough empathy that others were willing to share their pain and distress with me this week. My heart pours out to them all. Most will be fine with time. One man's family will never be the same. Crossed the intersection at the exact time he was supposed to. Hard for me to say, but he couldn't have been anywhere else than he was, but where he was killed him.

Please love one another and yourselves; life is lousy and such small portions.

pulled it right out of the backside

well, today was a great taste of startupitis. We worked until none of us could talk in complete or coherent sentences. Not only that, I actually have to work again tomorrow. Mind you, normal engagements end when the contract ends. I feel like it is very important this time to see this one through. I know this will lead up to another week of engagements. Also, I really liked working with these folks. I really want to succeed and for them to succeed. I think what they are doing there is innovative and inspiring. Thank you folks for giving me the opportunity to work in a really enjoyable environment. I am thankful for this week. More to come tomorrow.

spinning

day upon day...Learning, teaching, listening, talking, leading following. What do I have to say today? almost nothing. I saw nothing of interest today.

Wait, there was one thing. I was outside of the office where I am consulting this week, taking a break. There happens to be an FBI office above the floor I am inhabiting (helps the explanation). A man was standing about 15 feet away from me taking a similar break. He decides I am the one he should talk to.

Him: Do you work in that building?
Me: Yes, for this week.
Him: For the FBI?
Me: Why, do I look like a fed to you?
Him: I don't know, but I have a few things to say to them and this is my first foray (assume back and forth from now on)

ok, (turn away)

you know what, 9/11 was a sham, we have all been fooled!, sorry, I have been drinking, but I am a scientist and I know that an aluminum plane cannot fly through steel girders.

Well, isn't it all about momentum

I am a scientist and I know that it isn't possible

what kind of scientist are you?

well, I am a biologist, but I was the first person from my high school to win the state physics fair, so I know a little about physics and I know that is not possible, we have all been fooled. I have called the police and the fbi, they don't listen.

ok

nobody understands what is happening in this country and I am an angry american.

I agree with you that no one knows what is really going on in this country, least of all us

I think I know what is going on, i have been conducting my own research

It is a dangerous path to walk, to assume that you are the only one who knows what is going on and that everyone else has been fooled, you know no more or less than I do

maybe

I don't believe what is happening in the far reaches of our government is affecting my daily life at the moment and I am certainly not going to worry about it

you are right, but we have all been fooled.

I am not fooled because I don't concern myself with such things. I know what I know and am willing to accept what I don't. nothing to it.

don't be so naive, my friend, do you know kgo radio? I call them every night to tell them what I have learned and they don't want to hear it. (am I bothering you)

no, I do not concern myself with such things.

say do you ever go and get a drink at bosley's over there in the courtyard?

no, I was a bartender for 6 years, I kinda lost my taste for it. (walk away)

This is why I no longer work in a bar. This man has lost so much of his sense of self that the only thing keeping him conscious is the possibility that he may be tapped into some secret that no one else has yet to figure out. He was truly lost. Lost in delusions most glaring.

We all live with these delusions every day. Hey, I think these glasses look good on me. I have no way of knowing that to be true. Delusion.

Trust your mind to be true and righteous. Trust your being to do the right thing. Do not concern yourself with things you cannot see or change. Start from within and work your way out. Make peace with yourself. All else is beyond your control and is a fruitless endeavor.

In every virtue all-accomplished,
with wisdom full and mind composed,
looking within and ever mindful-
thus one crosses the raging flood.

twists and turns

Planning is so futile. This is almost always true. I used to become unglued by the thought of my well crafted plans turned to dust. I finally figured out that what I had was nothing more than an outline, a framework upon which to build. This is not at all a foundation upon which all is set. The distinction is flimsy but tangible. I am feeling my heart up in my throat with nervous tension. What I had thought to be set was in fact in motion as all things are. My task is to except this and embrace it. This is my life in perpetual beta.

My daughter asked me the other day about today and tomorrow. Was tomorrow still tomorrow and what about today. Oh, I shouldn't have opened that box, but I couldn't resist. It was as much an exercise for me as for her. It basically turned out like this. Today is always today and tomorrow will always be tomorrow. Next time you get a chance, try to explain that to a 4 year old. Fun and humbling at the same time.

Mind precedes all things;
mind is their chief, mind is their maker.
If one speaks or does a deed
with a mind that is pure within,
happiness then follows along
like a never departing shadow.

today was spastically wonderful

I have been working at Adobe for almost 11 years now, but have been in the consulting group for about 1.5 years. I have not really worked in my own office since then. I usually have assignments at government agencies or banks or insurance houses. These are not usually happy places to work. This week I am assigned to an honest to goodness silicon valley semi-startup company. It has been a long time since I felt the passion and the urgency of such a place. I know that this may seem a bit over the edge here but it has been absolutely sublime to be submerged in an environment where everyone is invested and passionate about their work. I have been detached from such an environment for long enough to really have forgotten what it was all about.

I have been hearing a bunch of rhetoric (as have you all) about American ingenuity. I have thought it BS until this week. It does still exist and in the same place it always was for the last 20 or so years, right here in Silicon Valley!

Go us!

reprinted w/o permission

Hi,

I live in California and have been fighting hard against Prop 8, but not as hard as some of my friends. This is an email from one of them (identities removed)

Hello,


Yes, not my traditional “howdy” or “what’s up?” or “how’re you?” but “hello”. I’m mad…hell, I’m furious!...and I’m going to do something about it!

Everyone receiving this email knows me personally. For some reason I consider you family or friend or somewhere in between. That includes a certain level of respect for each other and appreciation for our rights as human beings. It’s with this in mind that I write this email.

If anyone reading this email votes “yes” on Prop 8, then please do NOT EVER speak to me again!

Yes, I mean that!

I don’t care what my connection to you is, because if you support Prop 8, you are not welcome in my house or my life EVER again. Period. I don’t care why you vote that way, because in the final analysis it’s a vote that says I’m somehow inferior to you and not deserving of the same basic human rights and privileges you enjoy. That’s bigoted and discriminatory and I will NOT have ANYONE in my life that feels that way!

This is NOT a religious issue, because our country’s founding principles are a separation of Church and State. This is NOT a personal issue, because what I do with the man I love has NOTHING to do with you personally. This is NOT a social issue, as allowing me to form a publically-recognized committed-union with someone I want to spend my life with in NO WAY weakens your marriage. And if you think it does, then your marriage is a pretty crappy sham…

Don’t tell me to calm down, either! >8-(

How would you expect your Black friends to react to your affirmation of some KKK creed? How would your Jewish friends react to you denying the historicity of the Holocaust? How would your female friends respond to being told they are patently inferior and not deserving of equal rights?

THIS is the social movement of our times, no less important or controversial than the Woman’s Suffrage movements of the 1920s or the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s. If you missed out on your chance to DO THE RIGHT THING in the past, then here’s your chance in the present! Support equal rights for all, not just those who look and pray the way you do.

VOTE NO on PROP 8!

And yes, I absolutely mean and will stand by EVERYTHING I’ve written here.

Hugs,
redacted

p.s. – if you want more info…believe me, I’ve a ton. This entire campaign is based on lies and intentional misinterpretations! No Church can be sued any more than it can today (i.e. the Catholic Church will be no more required to perform gay marriages than they are required to marry divorcees today). And comparing polygamous marriage or under-age or sibling marriage as anything related to gay marriage in this proposition is somewhere between an intentional disingenuine straw man argument and a bold-faced LIE. It’s like condemning all people of faith because some zealots blow up buildings…!

First Post

Description:

MY DAUGHTER TOLD ME SOME TIME BACK THAT SHE WAS GOING TO MAKE A MOVIE WHEN SHE GREW UP. IT WOULD BE CALLED "NOTHING" AND BE ABOUT NOTHING. HER NOTHING IS A BIT DIFFERENT THAN MY NOTHING. HERE IS MY NOTHING.