restraint (special effects pt 2)

yea, that last post sucked. I just re-read it and realized I am not interested in rehashing what went on last week. I will, in time tell some of the stories, but I haven't processed it all yet.
I had a wonderful talk with an old friend this evening. Boy was that nice.
I got another call from a different old friend who provided perspective and one of those such sought after ah-ha moments. It was wonderful and frightening, but also actionable, serious upside when that happens. What is the point of an ah-ha moment that is past due.
the circle of phone wisdom completed itself with a practical application of my realization.
Some time ago I realized that I had no community. Wrong. I have no local community, but I have a fantastic network. We are far apart in distance, but close as hell in heart. Thanks.
I got some interesting comments about what I write here, freaked me out. Wanted to quit. This may sound weird, if you read this and like it, keep it to yourself. I mean that in the nicest way, but this is really hard for me to do and it makes it harder to know someone actually reads this crap. I can go on and on about this...past is past.
I have had some very uneven behavior lately, but I think, somehow things are changing for the better. I have found a core problem and have been facing it all day. I am not comfortable explaining it all here until I explain it to the person that is most owed the explanation.
Brain is in knots again over my perspective move to San Francisco. I believe in the depths of my soul that I need this for me, but am not sure what I am asking Eva to do is in any way reasonable. Ultimately, she will be fine but if I didn't consider her at every step, what kind of father would I be?
I have so much to say all of a sudden. unfortunately duty calls. More to come...

Good is restraint in the body; good is restraint in speech;
good is restraint in thought. Restraint everywhere is good.
The monk restrained in every way
is freed from all suffering.

special effects pt1

Well, I have been hesitant to write lately. My thoughts have been muddy and obtuse, but something needs to be said about this last week. Lucky for me this is a blog, my blog.

Housekeeping:
Thanksgiving was fantastic. Eva was a champion traveler. The only time she scared me was when she told me she no longer wanted to live in San Francisco. Total false alarm. And I quote: Daddy, I don't want to move in San Francisco anymore (I turn pail and hold my breath) I want to move to New York (breath comes out and huge smile crosses my face). Eva rules so hard. Amanda's (my brother's wife) family were so gracious and welcoming. As always New York treated me well.

The Reunion:
I am sure I am going to miss something but I am going to take a shot. First things first. Oh my, it was wonderful to see all those smiling faces in one place. Thanks all that made this happen.
I have to admit that it was nice to be a big shot at a club again for one night. I will never say I miss it, and know I don't, but for one night, it was fun.

My brain:
This is the hard part. Most of what I have thougth about I am terrified to write. In fact, I am not sure it will happen right now. I think I will post this as is and continue the brain part when my fear subsides.

back to nothing

with nothing is how I came in a that is how I return.  I have no fear of this.  Tomorrow is what I fear.  Who will I disappoint next.  How will I sabotage another great thing in my life.  How much pain will I inflict with my callous heart?  

I imagined myself a righteous person.  I thought that I had been considerate and kind.  I have been considerate and kind to exactly one person, ME.  That is not good enough.  Who do I think I am today?  I cannot answer it, and don't expect you to.  All I know is that I have been laying the tracks of manipulation and misdeed.  I have caused trust to turn sour without concern for the shelf life.  I have turned my back on those that I can truly help so I can see the ones who's help is not needed but much more gratifying.

All along singing my praises to anyone who would listen, and often to those who had no choice.  My poor family.  

Churn churn churn.

I could say today is the day of awakening, but there have been others.  I do not awaken; I stir and slumber.  There are glimpses, but no insight.  I climb, I fall.  pattern repeated.  time marches on.  

Wait, I see something;  something really good;  Oh yea, this is not deserved.  Destroy it I must.  It will be destroyed anyway.  Maybe there is mercy in recognizing and sparing, but I doubt it.  The abandonment of logic is painful enough.  Change comes slowly, so slowly...

And all the donuts have

Names that sound like prostitutes

And the moon's teeth marks are

On the sky like a tarp thrown over all this

what is really happening

Here I was thinking that the election was important. Silly me.

what now?

I spent a lot of energy lately on our country's fine election. Obviously that has passed. It has left me with a bit of emptiness. For a few days, I have been wondering what the empty feeling is all about. I get it. Back to limboland. I am cool with that. Patience is a weakness of mine and now is a good time to work on that.

inspiration

change has come to America.  I couldn't be happier for and prouder for us as a nation.  Even three months ago, I doubted this possible.  Then the unimaginable happened:  our economy collapsed.  This opened the door to a new way of thinking about this election and our past 8 years.  It had become a time for a change for almost everyone.  The impossible became possible.  You all got off your butts and decided to do something about it.  Thank you.
California, I am not so proud of.  Although it is not final yet, it sure looks like a little more than 1/2 of us decided to add bigotry into our constitution.  This is shameful and wrong.  I will not give up, I will not surrender to hatred and this will not go away.  Please, those of you who began this fight, do not view this as a loss.  It is not over, just delayed.  We shall overcome, we shall prevail, we will be free, each and everyone of us, to share in the same rights as every other American!  Thank you again, those of you who took this fight to the streets and to your homes.  Your effort was not waisted.  Go forth and forward!
Josh's drunken election night:
Ok, I set out to have a nice calm night.  Took the dc metro over to Virginia, where my boss was staying.  We haven't spent all that much time together in the last year.  I hold a huge amount of admiration and respect for this man.  He truly cares about me and the work we do together.  We had a very nice dinner, Thanks Steve.
I could have gone home then, but being in DC, I wanted to go and experience the election results up on the hill, so off I went.   I went to an area called Morgan/Adams.  There were a lot of bars up there with various young politicos.  There were muted celebrations.  I saw some interesting things.  The most interesting thing I saw was that the politicos were somewhat subdued.  Readying whatever angle they needed to prepare for the next for years.  Always working, I guess.  My celebration didn't really start till I arrived back at my hotel.
First I called all my close friends and family.  Thanked them and told them I loved them.  Watched the speech below.  Got inspired.  Started down my address book and called everyone in there.  I told them I loved them (I do), and celebrated with each and every one of them on the phone till I passed out (I got to d).  Thank you all for sharing with me during that special moment in time.  Let's move forward with hope and dreams.  Love and happiness.  We can and did make a difference.  I hope everyone realizes what they have done for their country and remembers to keep doing it.  Power to the people.  Love, peace and hair grease.

Arise! Do not be heedless!
Lead a righteous life.
The righteous live happily
both in this world and the next.