It is time to play another round of Josh has something to say without saying it. Had a really big epiphany just now and need to put it down but don't want to really say what it is. I told somebody something the other day and didn't think a thing about it, that is until like 15 minutes ago. I had already explained somewhere how something someone else said to me has swung my whole way of operating toward caution. I have become so fearful of imposition, I refuse to participate in any activity in which I am not 100% sure I am not doing what I was told I used to do all the time. The thing about this that is ridiculous is that in the particular situation, no most situations, there is no such thing as 100% sure. Am I too late to this? Nah, I can only learn as fast as I can learn. Dummy.
What the fuck did I just say. Trust me, it was harder to write than to read. I am saying something and nothing all at once. Try it some time, ain't no peach. Well, fuck you, anyone can read this and I am doing the best I can with this nonsense.
Also in the mind, a new complex over the word also. I am using withal instead. I, for a few days, thought I liked to start as many sentences as I could with also. Then I thought that was a really bad idea. Now: complex. Withal was the worst synonym I could come up with. Not only is it classified as archaic, it doesn't even really take the place of also in most contexts. Perfectly imperfect.
Ah, shit. When someone tells you that you pushed them into one of the biggest life decisions you can make and that was never that person's desire, it can fuck with you. One particular friend has told me time and time again that this simply isn't true. I didn't want to hear it. In fact, I went so far as to make this subject about that other person. It very well may have something to do with them (grammar incorrect to not give it away, as I said cryptonym), but it also has to do with me. In order to move forward, I have to accept that the thing I am talking about simply isn't true. I may be strong willed, but I am not capable of making someone do something like that with out complicity.
It is one thing to be considerate of others, to really try and always consider the wants and needs of others. It is another thing to be so fearful, so concerned of upsetting others that I am wholly unable to make even the most mundane suggestions, if I am not sure (when is this?) this is what the other(s) want. This has to stop. It isn't what I say, it is what I think that matters. If, in my heart, the best intentions lie, then I hath not fear my words.
