ok, I have a lot to cover today. First, my heartfelt condolences go out to my dear friend and his family in this time of crisis and solace.
I realized this about myself today. I am in essence a silly person, not to be taken seriously. This doesn't mean that I cannot be serious or have no serious thoughts, rather that silliness suites me best. This may also be my desire to keep life simple. Silly is much more simple than serious.
I have been reading "What I Talk About When I Talk About Running" by Haruki Murakami this week. It is a fantastic series of essays which Murakami describes his life as a runner and how it relates to his career as a writer. Intertwined in the tales of training and and running are excellent observations and life lessons, especially relating to aging. I have gained much perspective from this week's reading and appreciate it.
I haven't felt lonely much this week. It has started me wondering if I am actually capable of sharing my life in any significant way any time soon. I went through this long period of believing that I was afraid to try to because of the spectacular failure of my last relationship. This still may be true, but it is not what is in the forefront right now. No, I just don't think I am interested or willing right now. I am having some great relationships with friends right now. I am able to be available to them and can really solidify those relationships. I have just moved to a new (again) city and am adjusting to that. I really like the cruise I am on. I guess I miss the intimacy of a partner, but not the commitment. I believe that I am being as intimate as I want to be and am connected to a new community.
My move: Holly shit, my place is fucked up right now. I have a very small place and it is full of things that I am not sure where they came from or what they are. Luckily I am in a neighborhood that I can just place them outside and the wonderful SF fairies will come and sweep them away for me. I have to remain diligent in getting this place in order. I am going to have visitors much more often then I did in LG and welcome that, but that means it has to be inviting. In the end, I know I will get there because I have passion for this place and really want it to work. I have to remember to take it one step at a time and it will get there. Don't tell anyone yet, but I am thinking of taking a few days off next week to really get things together. It really is a cute place with lots of potential, but I have to make some adjustments here and there to get it right. Also, I have no working fridge and need to acquire a microwave.
I have to accept that I am not always as smart as I think I am. This is not me getting down on myself, rather, an acceptance that, for the most part, I am an average human being. There are things I am smarter than others about, and there are things that I am not. This is important to known and will server me well.
Murukami made some interesting points regarding writing that involved practicing daily in order to build stamina. I have not been doing that for myself and he has inspired me to begin to practice. Even if I don't have much to write about, just the act of sitting and writing for at least an hour a day will get me into a good habit/pattern for success.
Back to the beginning. This is all about my nothing and my nothing right now isn't where I am going to live, or where I work. No, it is my social life. Lately it has been quite rich and I am so lucky to have it, but... What? Ok, I guess, just like everything else, I will know what to do when I need to know. Right now I don't need to know anything because I don't have to do anything.
Tattoo: I have been mulling over a new tattoo for some time now. First, I had been considering continuing the story on my left arm around to my right. Then I was considering diving right into my back. My friend suggested, in passing, maybe I should consider a leg. At the time I dismissed it and said, legs don't hurt enough. But, of course, I thought about it later and now think that is probably a good idea. I kinda resent her for this. I am an instigator, she is an instegator. It is not good to have two in the same room, especially two that trust each other so much. She has a way of planting seeds just so. I know that I am fertile soil, but somehow she has a knack with me. First it was coffee, then beer (I have been a beer drinker for very short periods of times in my life and will see how long this one lasts) and now the leg thing. I can basically sleeve my right calf around my first tattoo and that would be a good place to start my new project. The point there is to start my new theme someplace that isn't such prime real estate. (I'm not telling what my theme is right now.) Now I need to find someone to work with. I know I will soon. I have only been in the city for a week now and have already made some fantastic connections.
Now I guess I should get a little raw and serious. I had an anxiety riddled week last week. It was full of excruciating pain and despair. I filled myself with drink and passed out. I woke up several times in cold sweats and panic. There were many times that I wished I no longer had to endure such crushing pain. But I made it.
Let no one deceive another
or despise anyone anywhere,
or through anger or irritation
wish for another to suffer.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
luck
Heard this today: It's bad luck for someone else to close a knife you have opened. Also heard this: There is no such thing as bad luck, just bad choices. It is generally known to those that believe in luck that this one is important. There are a lot of superstitions revolving around knives and everyone seems to know a few. Knives aren't the point. I am not even sure that luck is the point. Let's find out.
The journey is long and full of obstacles. The path is windy, wrong turns, dead ends. This is what your luck is. Forget the things you think could have done better or different. You could only have done what you did and that is it.
What the hell is it that I am getting at? Again, I suppose patience is in order. I know there is something in here, I know it, but it isn't coming as easy as it does some times. Trust this, it has been one hell of a week and I am tired and disoriented. I alternate between what the hell did I just do and WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST DO. Oh, wait, ok, go.
I guess this is going to be one of those useless posts that make no sense and serve no purpose.
Such bad luck.
We'll see.
The journey is long and full of obstacles. The path is windy, wrong turns, dead ends. This is what your luck is. Forget the things you think could have done better or different. You could only have done what you did and that is it.
What the hell is it that I am getting at? Again, I suppose patience is in order. I know there is something in here, I know it, but it isn't coming as easy as it does some times. Trust this, it has been one hell of a week and I am tired and disoriented. I alternate between what the hell did I just do and WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST DO. Oh, wait, ok, go.
I guess this is going to be one of those useless posts that make no sense and serve no purpose.
Such bad luck.
We'll see.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
meaningless
I am completely meaningless. But that is ok, so are you. I am so flustered right now that I cannot even get my mind to quiet for 5 straight minutes. It is frustrating and frightening. I have some good friends, but no best friend. I cannot trust any one person with everything. It sucks. I suppose that is how it is for most people, but I don’t know. ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ I don’t think it a secret and I don’t think there is anything that I am supposed to do about it. Rather, I am not going to do anything about it and now realize it. I read someone else’s blog the other day and he mentioned that he had a “severe crush” on one of his friends and that he believed that she knew it. I wonder if she does; I think she does. Hey, if you are reading this now. Don’t assume anything. I can keep a good secret and ■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■.
If this ever gets put out, I am in some big trouble.
Will I ever have a real kiss again? I don’t think I won’t but I sure do miss it. Read this today on Facebook: I kissed a girl today and I liked it. I know exactly what he was saying. Rather, what he said triggered something inside me very deeply. I want that again. I want my lips to touch another’s. I do miss that so. The moment when the softness begins to pressure and energy begins to flow. Magical. This kiss is called a lover’s kiss. This is not a luster’s kiss or a mother’s kiss. No, there is something quite different about this one. All the earth’s power crosses between you. One breath chases another and you are lost. Whirling colors, spark. The one you have formed rises and spirals over you. Nothing matters for you are not there. For that moment, time is transcended. Perfected.
I am not OK.
I neglected to get anything to eat before I got on this plane and had no cash on me. I somehow scrounged 6 bucks in change out of my suitcase. That seems like a lot to me, but it was there. I bought a “right bite” snack box. It had a can of bumblebee lemon tuna in it among other things. I got some of on my finger and when I went to take a sip of my fine airline coffee, I got a whiff of my fingers and smelled it. It didn’t remind me of tuna at all. My fingers smelled like they sometimes do after playing with pussy for a while. I know that is very fucking crude of me to say but I believe that it is about time I cut loose a bit in my writing if I am ever going to make anything of it. I found it funny anyway. And it did smell like pussy.
I need a spark. I need a minor miracle to happen. I need something great to happen to me for no reason. I need some dumb luck.
Back to that other thing. ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ or do anything about it because I simply don’t want anything to come of it. After all this whining that may sound completely untrue. Well, it isn’t completely untrue, but it may not be completely true either. Here is the thing: I was in love with Claire from the moment I saw her. I laid in the brush till I couldn’t anymore and then ■■■■■ her with everything I had. I realize now that I could have or should have been more aware of what was going on with her and less concerned with what I wanted. I feel that ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■. I never want to be divorced again. I realize that this is a ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ but I guess that is how I am thinking now. Oh, I also know this is not fair to anyone else and is strangely paradoxical. Again, I am only considering myself, but this time in another direction. I have decided ■■■■■■■■■■ so I don’t end up how I did last time. I am doing the same thing by trying not to do the same thing. How fucked up is that?
I am going to ask for help and don’t care about the repercussions.
I am moving to San Francisco in 19 days and have no place to move to. I am going to see a flat tonight when I get home. I am quite trepidatious regarding this place. It is a shared space and I won’t decide before I see it, but it seems like a stretch to think that it will be a comfortable place for Eva. I really want to find a place that is hers and mine in the city; that is right for both of us. I think it will be great. I am really exited for us to move there and begin our city life. It is important to be cautious when choosing a place and get it right. I think I should take more time rather than get the wrong place. This means ultimately if I don’t find the right place by March 1, it will be better than taking the wrong one by then. I also know that I am simply not home that often. I want a rad SF pad that fits us properly and we can hang at and with for a while but I have a hard time paying an exorbitant fee just to have an address that I rarely occupy. I realize this is a tough order to fill. I have to have a place that is awesome for Eva but not too expensive as to feel like a waste.
I cannot pretend to be anyone other than who I am because even when I am pretending, I am still who I am.
I have four more hours on this flight and only 2 more hours of battery life. I have headphones on right now and am listening to music. I kinda forgot that there were other people around and ripped a pretty loud fart just now. And I didn’t care.
♫ I know that you’re dying.
I know that it’s true.
I know that there’s seven thousand things you rather be and rather do,
and I know that you fuck what you love and you love what you fuck. ♫
Later.
If you want to know what used to be where the boxes are, you have to ask me personally. I don’t have any real reason to publish those parts. Call me the FBI or chicken if you like. I know it is the right decision for now but that doesn’t mean I would mind if some people read it. But in the same vein, just because you ask, that doesn’t mean you are in either. I will not let anyone be hurt by this writing including me, so please understand, I would let you if I could, but if I say no, this is why.
I have 3 hours left on this flight and still have 2 hours of battery power left. I took a reading break.
I am jetting forward pretty well today. I had some serious stagnation going on for about 2 weeks. I believe that the motivation is returning and the lull was me accepting the inevitable and obvious truth put before me. The truth can be a vicious bitch sometimes. I think what I wrote about this morning feeling like I had awoken from a really long dream and felt disoriented. Today was tough and confusing, but I made it and am feeling pretty healthy right now. We will see.
I don’t care what Rick says, I like the coffee on airplanes. I think it has something to do with liking to get all scrambled onboard and writing things like this.
When will it end? Now.
At death a person abandons
what one construes as mine.
Realizing this, the wise
shouldn't incline
to be devoted to mine.
If this ever gets put out, I am in some big trouble.
Will I ever have a real kiss again? I don’t think I won’t but I sure do miss it. Read this today on Facebook: I kissed a girl today and I liked it. I know exactly what he was saying. Rather, what he said triggered something inside me very deeply. I want that again. I want my lips to touch another’s. I do miss that so. The moment when the softness begins to pressure and energy begins to flow. Magical. This kiss is called a lover’s kiss. This is not a luster’s kiss or a mother’s kiss. No, there is something quite different about this one. All the earth’s power crosses between you. One breath chases another and you are lost. Whirling colors, spark. The one you have formed rises and spirals over you. Nothing matters for you are not there. For that moment, time is transcended. Perfected.
I am not OK.
I neglected to get anything to eat before I got on this plane and had no cash on me. I somehow scrounged 6 bucks in change out of my suitcase. That seems like a lot to me, but it was there. I bought a “right bite” snack box. It had a can of bumblebee lemon tuna in it among other things. I got some of on my finger and when I went to take a sip of my fine airline coffee, I got a whiff of my fingers and smelled it. It didn’t remind me of tuna at all. My fingers smelled like they sometimes do after playing with pussy for a while. I know that is very fucking crude of me to say but I believe that it is about time I cut loose a bit in my writing if I am ever going to make anything of it. I found it funny anyway. And it did smell like pussy.
I need a spark. I need a minor miracle to happen. I need something great to happen to me for no reason. I need some dumb luck.
Back to that other thing. ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ or do anything about it because I simply don’t want anything to come of it. After all this whining that may sound completely untrue. Well, it isn’t completely untrue, but it may not be completely true either. Here is the thing: I was in love with Claire from the moment I saw her. I laid in the brush till I couldn’t anymore and then ■■■■■ her with everything I had. I realize now that I could have or should have been more aware of what was going on with her and less concerned with what I wanted. I feel that ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■. I never want to be divorced again. I realize that this is a ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ but I guess that is how I am thinking now. Oh, I also know this is not fair to anyone else and is strangely paradoxical. Again, I am only considering myself, but this time in another direction. I have decided ■■■■■■■■■■ so I don’t end up how I did last time. I am doing the same thing by trying not to do the same thing. How fucked up is that?
I am going to ask for help and don’t care about the repercussions.
I am moving to San Francisco in 19 days and have no place to move to. I am going to see a flat tonight when I get home. I am quite trepidatious regarding this place. It is a shared space and I won’t decide before I see it, but it seems like a stretch to think that it will be a comfortable place for Eva. I really want to find a place that is hers and mine in the city; that is right for both of us. I think it will be great. I am really exited for us to move there and begin our city life. It is important to be cautious when choosing a place and get it right. I think I should take more time rather than get the wrong place. This means ultimately if I don’t find the right place by March 1, it will be better than taking the wrong one by then. I also know that I am simply not home that often. I want a rad SF pad that fits us properly and we can hang at and with for a while but I have a hard time paying an exorbitant fee just to have an address that I rarely occupy. I realize this is a tough order to fill. I have to have a place that is awesome for Eva but not too expensive as to feel like a waste.
I cannot pretend to be anyone other than who I am because even when I am pretending, I am still who I am.
I have four more hours on this flight and only 2 more hours of battery life. I have headphones on right now and am listening to music. I kinda forgot that there were other people around and ripped a pretty loud fart just now. And I didn’t care.
♫ I know that you’re dying.
I know that it’s true.
I know that there’s seven thousand things you rather be and rather do,
and I know that you fuck what you love and you love what you fuck. ♫
Later.
If you want to know what used to be where the boxes are, you have to ask me personally. I don’t have any real reason to publish those parts. Call me the FBI or chicken if you like. I know it is the right decision for now but that doesn’t mean I would mind if some people read it. But in the same vein, just because you ask, that doesn’t mean you are in either. I will not let anyone be hurt by this writing including me, so please understand, I would let you if I could, but if I say no, this is why.
I have 3 hours left on this flight and still have 2 hours of battery power left. I took a reading break.
I am jetting forward pretty well today. I had some serious stagnation going on for about 2 weeks. I believe that the motivation is returning and the lull was me accepting the inevitable and obvious truth put before me. The truth can be a vicious bitch sometimes. I think what I wrote about this morning feeling like I had awoken from a really long dream and felt disoriented. Today was tough and confusing, but I made it and am feeling pretty healthy right now. We will see.
I don’t care what Rick says, I like the coffee on airplanes. I think it has something to do with liking to get all scrambled onboard and writing things like this.
When will it end? Now.
At death a person abandons
what one construes as mine.
Realizing this, the wise
shouldn't incline
to be devoted to mine.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
esteem
I am having a self esteem problem right now. I am finding a hard time naming one person besides Eva who would miss me if I wasn't around. I am feeling that I am being out-josh'd all over the place. Don't cry for me. I am just trying to get down how I am feeling right now. I want so badly for my power to come back. To feel strong again. All I feel is apathy. I am not sure what I am good at or for. I continue to try and make myself available for favors so I can have a sense of purpose. I need to find a way to just like myself and be happy with who I am and desist impressing folks with this and that. If I am going to be on my own (and it sure seems like that is how it is going to be for me) I have to find a peaceful existence there. What do I do to make this happen. I know I need to go back to retreat and get my head straight for one. After that, I believe that I need to come out with some of the other things. Everyone has a closet, the gays have just monopolized the term. Trust me. There may be skeletons, secrets or some feelings hidden in there. What do you do when you are having such a good time that...
I move in a month. To where? Yea, I will let you know. Special thanks to the guide this weekend, that edge of fear I was feeling was dulled by your hand holding. I owe ya one.
Oh, one manipulator, manipulated against my manipulation and I end up with some egg on my face. Such is life in a manipulators breath. You play the cards you have. Sometimes, others have better cards than you. Time to fold them. Anyway, some may say such bad fortune. I say: We shall see.
Overcome the angry by non-anger;
overcome the wicked by goodness;
overcome the miser by generosity;
overcome the liar by truth.
I move in a month. To where? Yea, I will let you know. Special thanks to the guide this weekend, that edge of fear I was feeling was dulled by your hand holding. I owe ya one.
Oh, one manipulator, manipulated against my manipulation and I end up with some egg on my face. Such is life in a manipulators breath. You play the cards you have. Sometimes, others have better cards than you. Time to fold them. Anyway, some may say such bad fortune. I say: We shall see.
Overcome the angry by non-anger;
overcome the wicked by goodness;
overcome the miser by generosity;
overcome the liar by truth.
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