Ok, maybe I am a bit stir crazy~~~~~~

Someone asked me today "are you getting restless?"  I answered no right away, No.  Well those right away answers may sometimes be right, but, and I know this is so unlike me, I thought about it a little more.  that question was right on, but I didn't  even realize it.  I am not restless with my job.  I am restless with my living situation.  I am sick of living out here secluded from my life;  secluded from my office; secluded from my aspirations.  I have 6 am meetings almost every morning.  By the time I am done with those meetings, I am basically stuck here.  I can not or,  will not, at that point get up and drive/train to my office in SF.  So I am stuck in this hole of an apartment for the rest of the day's work.  It sucks to work here.

And that isn't even really the point.  I have made a decision to move somewhere else.  I am biding time.  I am seldom good at that particular venture.  Decision has been made, time to go.

I am restless because I am sick of living here and am ready to move on. 

Ok, now that I have realized that, I can assimilate with it and make it a livable situation.  It is no longer a creature lurking behind me that others can see, but I just couldn't catch a glimps.  I got you now!

good are friends when need arises;
good is contentment with just what one has;
good is merit when life is at an end,
and good is the abandoning of all suffering.

too tired to write

I got nothing.  Hope today found everyone warm, well and happy.

almost there.

jean michel
hello?
is this the suicide hot line?
Yes
my name is joe, what's yours?
jean michel
jean michel, what's that french?
Haitian...I'm gonna, I'm gona blow my brains out
wait a minute talk to me
no I'm going to take these pills
what kind of pills?
reds blues greens, whole fuckin rainbow trustee's harassin me
are you in prison?
no, city's killing me
Tell me about it, your talking to the right guy. How's it killing you?
boyfriend left.
I've been there; do you love him?
not specially, I'm alone; we all are here; respect fools get, disrespect i get
I have respect for you just for makin this call; this is not an easy call to make
you won't be so arrogant when the police arrive
you ok? what's that noise?
It's my mother...

Heavy sigh for all of you out there. There is peace, one way or another. This has been etched in my head for so long now. It is a reminder of what might have been. What might have happened. No matter how close you get, you are not there. Don't be there. Get help.

I am aggravating

To those of you who know me, this is no surprise. I live my life in controlled chaos. I am ok with that; no, I enjoy it. Lately this truth has been especially acutely difficult with some. Let me say first of all: I am truly sorry, I mean no harm, I am trying my best to mitigate this for those it effects.

That being said. there are a few things I know I am particularly exceptional at. One of those things is living in this chaos. It doesn't phase me. I actually think I enjoy it. This is the life I chose to lead. I am not sure I ever wanted to be certain of what tomorrow will bring, where I will be or who will be there. I do my best to live moment to moment.

Well, that doesn't work out too well when others are not on that path with you.

I will do everything in my power to make this as comfortable as possible for those people, but I will not sacrifice my dreams just for this and would never expect another to do that for me. It is what it is.

lighter side
I had never been to dc before last month. I am heading there next week. The last time I was there congress was ironing out the budget bail out bill. Next week I will be there to experience the national election. timing is everything, right?

I heard from a friend yesterday that I haven't in many years. s/he thanked me for something that happened a long time ago. All I can say is you are welcome, you have always been welcome and I am glad I could be there.

Whatever an enemy might do to an enemy,
or a foe to a foe,
the ill-directed mind
can do to you even worse.

it can't always be sunshine

This is what I know. People love to be happy. People want to be happy. Yet, people are rarely happy for very long. I am no self help artist, although, I do try and help myself. The pendulum which as followed me as long as I can remember has again swung to a familiar place. Inward, always inward. Self-centered loathing. I have spent the better part of two days trying to fight my deep rooted need to punish myself for imperfection. Who do I think I am anyway? Perfection is basically theoretical in the most clinical of settings, let alone human interaction.

Decisions have been made. Back to the basics. I am, I can, I will...

Oh, I turned so far outward, expecting, craving, averting. I let id in, turned ego up and went forth. Recipe for misdeed and disorder. My outward voice became so loud, it was all I can hear. Somewhat reflective of a child's ever changing need belief. I headed face first into a crisis of which the only solution I have ever know is to begin again. Fortunately that is very workable and can be quite positive.

What comes next? Only tomorrow knows.

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me

All's well that...

abbreviated airport post
Melissa Pierce, in her piece continually asks the question: Is the planned life even worth living? Since I found Melissa and her questions, I have been continuously pondering this and other related questions. I have made her questions my own. My answer, especially today is: Not only is it not worth living, it doesn't exist and if one is delusional to believe it does, one has precluded oneself from real and lasting happiness.

I have most definitely perverted her central theme to fit my life, but I believe that the question is universal and the theme even more so. My life in perpetual beta is just that, beta. Perfection is the end of growing, the end of learning. In software, beta is unfinished. In life, beta is life being lived.

This time

The onset of my feelings of detachment started early on this week. I got to the point of questioning my literal existence (metaphorically). This is not to say I am wondering about my purpose or place. Nothing so intense. Had a discussion with my brother about it today and wrote a friend as a thought filter device. Instead of rewriting, I will excerpt:

I am working on an army base. That in itself is very sequestering. Where i am staying in St. Louis is not the best neighborhood. I have been told by several people that it is not safe at night. One person told me that a person just up and disappeared from that very neighborhood last week.
discussion with brother:

Me:I believe I exist, so I exist.

My brother is much more literal: I am made of matter, matter is real, therefore I am real.

The point of this all is really that I have come to know that I am in the middle of an extremely long stretch of this kind of schedule and I have not accepted it. Once I do, that is that. All the scheming regarding a way out cause angst. Yo, I know this, I am just not perfect.

After writing this, realization struck. I have been heading this way all week. I began this trip separated from reality and drifted further and further away until I had completely forgotten to remember this.

I am, whether I like it or not. There is no scalpel or hatchet involved here, just me. I love my life and wouldn't trade it, just lost track of it. Thought I disappeared. Craved attention. Fell back. Found a place close enough to center to call home.

Well, I didn’t know, just couldn’t see
The memories of past failures
Like a shadow haunting me

There was a dream
I wanted to come true
But dreams
You know they need to be followed through

That’s why this time, this time
I’m gonna try it my way
I’m gonna live life my way

just notes

My boss bought me this today. I believe that this object is an extremely expressive representation of the way I live my life right now. The truth is, this thing is really going to make my life a lot easier. After all, that is what technology is supposed to do.

Moving on.

Several souls have moved on lately. I will not go into my personal feelings about this transition; not today. My heartfelt sympathies go out to these families. Loss is never easy.

I have lost several coworkers this week. That chaotic, not sure, hunker down feeling is starting to set in. Communication has slowed and the grapevine has become overgrown. It keeps reaching and reaching; even me out here, alone on the road. Grapes taste good, but the vine can entangle or topple. Stay away. (I never do this). So I am going to say "listen, but don't touch!"

Got contacted by a voice from the past yesterday. This seems like a good lead in for a story, but, actually that is all I have to say about that.

I was walkin' down the street on a sunny day
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba
Feelin' in my bones that I'll have my way
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba

Well, I'm a happy boy (happy boy)
Well, I'm a happy boy (happy boy)
Oh, ain't it good when things are goin' your way? Hey hey

My little dog, Spot got hit by a car
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba
Put his guts in a box and put him in a drawer
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba

I forgot all about it for a month and a half
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba
I looked in the drawer and started to laugh
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba

life on a base

first things first this guy has the right idea!

I am "stationed" at an army base in St. Louis this week. I am teaching a class at the USDA. I have not had many (no) experiences hanging out at a base. I have to be honest. The place scares me. there are gigantic white halls that seem to go on forever. All rooms are coldly named by a letter/number combo like h-412. My car was checked for explosives as I entered. As usual, with government agencies, the staff doesn't want to hear a word from me that may involve giving them more work to do. Needless to say, the class is going just ok. The person who brought me in is very intelligent and I can sense her frustration with the fight I am getting from every single person in the class. Every single person, that is, besides the old man in the corner who's mouth is always 1/2 open and seems like he may keel over any second. He somehow missed his cushy government pension and kept on going. (There is always this guy in these classes I teach at government agencies).

I had a crazy weekend (if you wanna call it that). Worked till midnight on Friday; got up went to the gym (great run); came home and took care of whatever home stuff I could do in 6 hours; packed for this week. Proceeded to pick up friend at the airport, jetted to SC and got my get down on. Had a weird but wonderful evening; am making a new friend; so impressed by this person; surprised I am even writing it so publicly. Anyway, strange and twisted time. Had an errand to run first thing in the morning yesterday. Friend needed to ride back over the hill with me. Told person it was time to go and was told that it wasn't time yet and could I return after my errand to pick person up. Actually did that, was the right thing to do, turns out. Picked up my rider, headed back over the hill, dropped rider off, drove to sfo, hopped a plane to St. Louis. Here I am!

(Thanks for being you!)


Wisdom springs from meditation;
without meditation wisdom wanes.
Having known these two paths of progress and decline,
let one so conduct oneself that one's wisdom may increase.

thought storm

My brain is way out of control this week. It is as if I don't want to have clear thoughts. Even as I am writing this, one hand is pushing forward as the other pushes away. The search continues. Focus is tricky. One can believe that he is interested in self awareness. One can know that this is the purest pursuit possible to man. sometimes this goes well. It always goes well in a box. I don't live in a box. I don't even like to get in the box all that much. But outside that box, neatness counts but is difficult. I cannot even complete this post properly. Inner conflict ensues.

I seldom agree to something I don't want to do. I often find myself in a situation where I believe I have gone to far in to back out. I have a couple of those situations today. Responsibility meets needs. My needs are also my responsibility.

Lots of bad news this week. Although I have been more self centered than usual, I seem to have had enough empathy that others were willing to share their pain and distress with me this week. My heart pours out to them all. Most will be fine with time. One man's family will never be the same. Crossed the intersection at the exact time he was supposed to. Hard for me to say, but he couldn't have been anywhere else than he was, but where he was killed him.

Please love one another and yourselves; life is lousy and such small portions.

pulled it right out of the backside

well, today was a great taste of startupitis. We worked until none of us could talk in complete or coherent sentences. Not only that, I actually have to work again tomorrow. Mind you, normal engagements end when the contract ends. I feel like it is very important this time to see this one through. I know this will lead up to another week of engagements. Also, I really liked working with these folks. I really want to succeed and for them to succeed. I think what they are doing there is innovative and inspiring. Thank you folks for giving me the opportunity to work in a really enjoyable environment. I am thankful for this week. More to come tomorrow.

spinning

day upon day...Learning, teaching, listening, talking, leading following. What do I have to say today? almost nothing. I saw nothing of interest today.

Wait, there was one thing. I was outside of the office where I am consulting this week, taking a break. There happens to be an FBI office above the floor I am inhabiting (helps the explanation). A man was standing about 15 feet away from me taking a similar break. He decides I am the one he should talk to.

Him: Do you work in that building?
Me: Yes, for this week.
Him: For the FBI?
Me: Why, do I look like a fed to you?
Him: I don't know, but I have a few things to say to them and this is my first foray (assume back and forth from now on)

ok, (turn away)

you know what, 9/11 was a sham, we have all been fooled!, sorry, I have been drinking, but I am a scientist and I know that an aluminum plane cannot fly through steel girders.

Well, isn't it all about momentum

I am a scientist and I know that it isn't possible

what kind of scientist are you?

well, I am a biologist, but I was the first person from my high school to win the state physics fair, so I know a little about physics and I know that is not possible, we have all been fooled. I have called the police and the fbi, they don't listen.

ok

nobody understands what is happening in this country and I am an angry american.

I agree with you that no one knows what is really going on in this country, least of all us

I think I know what is going on, i have been conducting my own research

It is a dangerous path to walk, to assume that you are the only one who knows what is going on and that everyone else has been fooled, you know no more or less than I do

maybe

I don't believe what is happening in the far reaches of our government is affecting my daily life at the moment and I am certainly not going to worry about it

you are right, but we have all been fooled.

I am not fooled because I don't concern myself with such things. I know what I know and am willing to accept what I don't. nothing to it.

don't be so naive, my friend, do you know kgo radio? I call them every night to tell them what I have learned and they don't want to hear it. (am I bothering you)

no, I do not concern myself with such things.

say do you ever go and get a drink at bosley's over there in the courtyard?

no, I was a bartender for 6 years, I kinda lost my taste for it. (walk away)

This is why I no longer work in a bar. This man has lost so much of his sense of self that the only thing keeping him conscious is the possibility that he may be tapped into some secret that no one else has yet to figure out. He was truly lost. Lost in delusions most glaring.

We all live with these delusions every day. Hey, I think these glasses look good on me. I have no way of knowing that to be true. Delusion.

Trust your mind to be true and righteous. Trust your being to do the right thing. Do not concern yourself with things you cannot see or change. Start from within and work your way out. Make peace with yourself. All else is beyond your control and is a fruitless endeavor.

In every virtue all-accomplished,
with wisdom full and mind composed,
looking within and ever mindful-
thus one crosses the raging flood.

twists and turns

Planning is so futile. This is almost always true. I used to become unglued by the thought of my well crafted plans turned to dust. I finally figured out that what I had was nothing more than an outline, a framework upon which to build. This is not at all a foundation upon which all is set. The distinction is flimsy but tangible. I am feeling my heart up in my throat with nervous tension. What I had thought to be set was in fact in motion as all things are. My task is to except this and embrace it. This is my life in perpetual beta.

My daughter asked me the other day about today and tomorrow. Was tomorrow still tomorrow and what about today. Oh, I shouldn't have opened that box, but I couldn't resist. It was as much an exercise for me as for her. It basically turned out like this. Today is always today and tomorrow will always be tomorrow. Next time you get a chance, try to explain that to a 4 year old. Fun and humbling at the same time.

Mind precedes all things;
mind is their chief, mind is their maker.
If one speaks or does a deed
with a mind that is pure within,
happiness then follows along
like a never departing shadow.

today was spastically wonderful

I have been working at Adobe for almost 11 years now, but have been in the consulting group for about 1.5 years. I have not really worked in my own office since then. I usually have assignments at government agencies or banks or insurance houses. These are not usually happy places to work. This week I am assigned to an honest to goodness silicon valley semi-startup company. It has been a long time since I felt the passion and the urgency of such a place. I know that this may seem a bit over the edge here but it has been absolutely sublime to be submerged in an environment where everyone is invested and passionate about their work. I have been detached from such an environment for long enough to really have forgotten what it was all about.

I have been hearing a bunch of rhetoric (as have you all) about American ingenuity. I have thought it BS until this week. It does still exist and in the same place it always was for the last 20 or so years, right here in Silicon Valley!

Go us!

reprinted w/o permission

Hi,

I live in California and have been fighting hard against Prop 8, but not as hard as some of my friends. This is an email from one of them (identities removed)

Hello,


Yes, not my traditional “howdy” or “what’s up?” or “how’re you?” but “hello”. I’m mad…hell, I’m furious!...and I’m going to do something about it!

Everyone receiving this email knows me personally. For some reason I consider you family or friend or somewhere in between. That includes a certain level of respect for each other and appreciation for our rights as human beings. It’s with this in mind that I write this email.

If anyone reading this email votes “yes” on Prop 8, then please do NOT EVER speak to me again!

Yes, I mean that!

I don’t care what my connection to you is, because if you support Prop 8, you are not welcome in my house or my life EVER again. Period. I don’t care why you vote that way, because in the final analysis it’s a vote that says I’m somehow inferior to you and not deserving of the same basic human rights and privileges you enjoy. That’s bigoted and discriminatory and I will NOT have ANYONE in my life that feels that way!

This is NOT a religious issue, because our country’s founding principles are a separation of Church and State. This is NOT a personal issue, because what I do with the man I love has NOTHING to do with you personally. This is NOT a social issue, as allowing me to form a publically-recognized committed-union with someone I want to spend my life with in NO WAY weakens your marriage. And if you think it does, then your marriage is a pretty crappy sham…

Don’t tell me to calm down, either! >8-(

How would you expect your Black friends to react to your affirmation of some KKK creed? How would your Jewish friends react to you denying the historicity of the Holocaust? How would your female friends respond to being told they are patently inferior and not deserving of equal rights?

THIS is the social movement of our times, no less important or controversial than the Woman’s Suffrage movements of the 1920s or the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s. If you missed out on your chance to DO THE RIGHT THING in the past, then here’s your chance in the present! Support equal rights for all, not just those who look and pray the way you do.

VOTE NO on PROP 8!

And yes, I absolutely mean and will stand by EVERYTHING I’ve written here.

Hugs,
redacted

p.s. – if you want more info…believe me, I’ve a ton. This entire campaign is based on lies and intentional misinterpretations! No Church can be sued any more than it can today (i.e. the Catholic Church will be no more required to perform gay marriages than they are required to marry divorcees today). And comparing polygamous marriage or under-age or sibling marriage as anything related to gay marriage in this proposition is somewhere between an intentional disingenuine straw man argument and a bold-faced LIE. It’s like condemning all people of faith because some zealots blow up buildings…!

First Post

Description:

MY DAUGHTER TOLD ME SOME TIME BACK THAT SHE WAS GOING TO MAKE A MOVIE WHEN SHE GREW UP. IT WOULD BE CALLED "NOTHING" AND BE ABOUT NOTHING. HER NOTHING IS A BIT DIFFERENT THAN MY NOTHING. HERE IS MY NOTHING.