back to nothing

with nothing is how I came in a that is how I return.  I have no fear of this.  Tomorrow is what I fear.  Who will I disappoint next.  How will I sabotage another great thing in my life.  How much pain will I inflict with my callous heart?  

I imagined myself a righteous person.  I thought that I had been considerate and kind.  I have been considerate and kind to exactly one person, ME.  That is not good enough.  Who do I think I am today?  I cannot answer it, and don't expect you to.  All I know is that I have been laying the tracks of manipulation and misdeed.  I have caused trust to turn sour without concern for the shelf life.  I have turned my back on those that I can truly help so I can see the ones who's help is not needed but much more gratifying.

All along singing my praises to anyone who would listen, and often to those who had no choice.  My poor family.  

Churn churn churn.

I could say today is the day of awakening, but there have been others.  I do not awaken; I stir and slumber.  There are glimpses, but no insight.  I climb, I fall.  pattern repeated.  time marches on.  

Wait, I see something;  something really good;  Oh yea, this is not deserved.  Destroy it I must.  It will be destroyed anyway.  Maybe there is mercy in recognizing and sparing, but I doubt it.  The abandonment of logic is painful enough.  Change comes slowly, so slowly...

And all the donuts have

Names that sound like prostitutes

And the moon's teeth marks are

On the sky like a tarp thrown over all this