This time

The onset of my feelings of detachment started early on this week. I got to the point of questioning my literal existence (metaphorically). This is not to say I am wondering about my purpose or place. Nothing so intense. Had a discussion with my brother about it today and wrote a friend as a thought filter device. Instead of rewriting, I will excerpt:

I am working on an army base. That in itself is very sequestering. Where i am staying in St. Louis is not the best neighborhood. I have been told by several people that it is not safe at night. One person told me that a person just up and disappeared from that very neighborhood last week.
discussion with brother:

Me:I believe I exist, so I exist.

My brother is much more literal: I am made of matter, matter is real, therefore I am real.

The point of this all is really that I have come to know that I am in the middle of an extremely long stretch of this kind of schedule and I have not accepted it. Once I do, that is that. All the scheming regarding a way out cause angst. Yo, I know this, I am just not perfect.

After writing this, realization struck. I have been heading this way all week. I began this trip separated from reality and drifted further and further away until I had completely forgotten to remember this.

I am, whether I like it or not. There is no scalpel or hatchet involved here, just me. I love my life and wouldn't trade it, just lost track of it. Thought I disappeared. Craved attention. Fell back. Found a place close enough to center to call home.

Well, I didn’t know, just couldn’t see
The memories of past failures
Like a shadow haunting me

There was a dream
I wanted to come true
But dreams
You know they need to be followed through

That’s why this time, this time
I’m gonna try it my way
I’m gonna live life my way