meaningless

I am completely meaningless. But that is ok, so are you. I am so flustered right now that I cannot even get my mind to quiet for 5 straight minutes. It is frustrating and frightening. I have some good friends, but no best friend. I cannot trust any one person with everything. It sucks. I suppose that is how it is for most people, but I don’t know. ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ I don’t think it a secret and I don’t think there is anything that I am supposed to do about it. Rather, I am not going to do anything about it and now realize it. I read someone else’s blog the other day and he mentioned that he had a “severe crush” on one of his friends and that he believed that she knew it. I wonder if she does; I think she does. Hey, if you are reading this now. Don’t assume anything. I can keep a good secret and ■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■.
If this ever gets put out, I am in some big trouble.
Will I ever have a real kiss again? I don’t think I won’t but I sure do miss it. Read this today on Facebook: I kissed a girl today and I liked it. I know exactly what he was saying. Rather, what he said triggered something inside me very deeply. I want that again. I want my lips to touch another’s. I do miss that so. The moment when the softness begins to pressure and energy begins to flow. Magical. This kiss is called a lover’s kiss. This is not a luster’s kiss or a mother’s kiss. No, there is something quite different about this one. All the earth’s power crosses between you. One breath chases another and you are lost. Whirling colors, spark. The one you have formed rises and spirals over you. Nothing matters for you are not there. For that moment, time is transcended. Perfected.
I am not OK.
I neglected to get anything to eat before I got on this plane and had no cash on me. I somehow scrounged 6 bucks in change out of my suitcase. That seems like a lot to me, but it was there. I bought a “right bite” snack box. It had a can of bumblebee lemon tuna in it among other things. I got some of on my finger and when I went to take a sip of my fine airline coffee, I got a whiff of my fingers and smelled it. It didn’t remind me of tuna at all. My fingers smelled like they sometimes do after playing with pussy for a while. I know that is very fucking crude of me to say but I believe that it is about time I cut loose a bit in my writing if I am ever going to make anything of it. I found it funny anyway. And it did smell like pussy.
I need a spark. I need a minor miracle to happen. I need something great to happen to me for no reason. I need some dumb luck.
Back to that other thing. ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ or do anything about it because I simply don’t want anything to come of it. After all this whining that may sound completely untrue. Well, it isn’t completely untrue, but it may not be completely true either. Here is the thing: I was in love with Claire from the moment I saw her. I laid in the brush till I couldn’t anymore and then ■■■■■ her with everything I had. I realize now that I could have or should have been more aware of what was going on with her and less concerned with what I wanted. I feel that ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■. I never want to be divorced again. I realize that this is a ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ but I guess that is how I am thinking now. Oh, I also know this is not fair to anyone else and is strangely paradoxical. Again, I am only considering myself, but this time in another direction. I have decided ■■■■■■■■■■ so I don’t end up how I did last time. I am doing the same thing by trying not to do the same thing. How fucked up is that?
I am going to ask for help and don’t care about the repercussions.
I am moving to San Francisco in 19 days and have no place to move to. I am going to see a flat tonight when I get home. I am quite trepidatious regarding this place. It is a shared space and I won’t decide before I see it, but it seems like a stretch to think that it will be a comfortable place for Eva. I really want to find a place that is hers and mine in the city; that is right for both of us. I think it will be great. I am really exited for us to move there and begin our city life. It is important to be cautious when choosing a place and get it right. I think I should take more time rather than get the wrong place. This means ultimately if I don’t find the right place by March 1, it will be better than taking the wrong one by then. I also know that I am simply not home that often. I want a rad SF pad that fits us properly and we can hang at and with for a while but I have a hard time paying an exorbitant fee just to have an address that I rarely occupy. I realize this is a tough order to fill. I have to have a place that is awesome for Eva but not too expensive as to feel like a waste.
I cannot pretend to be anyone other than who I am because even when I am pretending, I am still who I am.
I have four more hours on this flight and only 2 more hours of battery life. I have headphones on right now and am listening to music. I kinda forgot that there were other people around and ripped a pretty loud fart just now. And I didn’t care.
♫ I know that you’re dying.
I know that it’s true.
I know that there’s seven thousand things you rather be and rather do,
and I know that you fuck what you love and you love what you fuck. ♫
Later.
If you want to know what used to be where the boxes are, you have to ask me personally. I don’t have any real reason to publish those parts. Call me the FBI or chicken if you like. I know it is the right decision for now but that doesn’t mean I would mind if some people read it. But in the same vein, just because you ask, that doesn’t mean you are in either. I will not let anyone be hurt by this writing including me, so please understand, I would let you if I could, but if I say no, this is why.
I have 3 hours left on this flight and still have 2 hours of battery power left. I took a reading break.
I am jetting forward pretty well today. I had some serious stagnation going on for about 2 weeks. I believe that the motivation is returning and the lull was me accepting the inevitable and obvious truth put before me. The truth can be a vicious bitch sometimes. I think what I wrote about this morning feeling like I had awoken from a really long dream and felt disoriented. Today was tough and confusing, but I made it and am feeling pretty healthy right now. We will see.
I don’t care what Rick says, I like the coffee on airplanes. I think it has something to do with liking to get all scrambled onboard and writing things like this.
When will it end? Now.
At death a person abandons
what one construes as mine.
Realizing this, the wise
shouldn't incline
to be devoted to mine.