Smorgasboard

ok, I have a lot to cover today. First, my heartfelt condolences go out to my dear friend and his family in this time of crisis and solace.
I realized this about myself today. I am in essence a silly person, not to be taken seriously. This doesn't mean that I cannot be serious or have no serious thoughts, rather that silliness suites me best. This may also be my desire to keep life simple. Silly is much more simple than serious.
I have been reading "What I Talk About When I Talk About Running" by Haruki Murakami this week. It is a fantastic series of essays which Murakami describes his life as a runner and how it relates to his career as a writer. Intertwined in the tales of training and and running are excellent observations and life lessons, especially relating to aging. I have gained much perspective from this week's reading and appreciate it.
I haven't felt lonely much this week. It has started me wondering if I am actually capable of sharing my life in any significant way any time soon. I went through this long period of believing that I was afraid to try to because of the spectacular failure of my last relationship. This still may be true, but it is not what is in the forefront right now. No, I just don't think I am interested or willing right now. I am having some great relationships with friends right now. I am able to be available to them and can really solidify those relationships. I have just moved to a new (again) city and am adjusting to that. I really like the cruise I am on. I guess I miss the intimacy of a partner, but not the commitment. I believe that I am being as intimate as I want to be and am connected to a new community.
My move: Holly shit, my place is fucked up right now. I have a very small place and it is full of things that I am not sure where they came from or what they are. Luckily I am in a neighborhood that I can just place them outside and the wonderful SF fairies will come and sweep them away for me. I have to remain diligent in getting this place in order. I am going to have visitors much more often then I did in LG and welcome that, but that means it has to be inviting. In the end, I know I will get there because I have passion for this place and really want it to work. I have to remember to take it one step at a time and it will get there. Don't tell anyone yet, but I am thinking of taking a few days off next week to really get things together. It really is a cute place with lots of potential, but I have to make some adjustments here and there to get it right. Also, I have no working fridge and need to acquire a microwave.
I have to accept that I am not always as smart as I think I am. This is not me getting down on myself, rather, an acceptance that, for the most part, I am an average human being. There are things I am smarter than others about, and there are things that I am not. This is important to known and will server me well.
Murukami made some interesting points regarding writing that involved practicing daily in order to build stamina. I have not been doing that for myself and he has inspired me to begin to practice. Even if I don't have much to write about, just the act of sitting and writing for at least an hour a day will get me into a good habit/pattern for success.
Back to the beginning. This is all about my nothing and my nothing right now isn't where I am going to live, or where I work. No, it is my social life. Lately it has been quite rich and I am so lucky to have it, but... What? Ok, I guess, just like everything else, I will know what to do when I need to know. Right now I don't need to know anything because I don't have to do anything.
Tattoo: I have been mulling over a new tattoo for some time now. First, I had been considering continuing the story on my left arm around to my right. Then I was considering diving right into my back. My friend suggested, in passing, maybe I should consider a leg. At the time I dismissed it and said, legs don't hurt enough. But, of course, I thought about it later and now think that is probably a good idea. I kinda resent her for this. I am an instigator, she is an instegator. It is not good to have two in the same room, especially two that trust each other so much. She has a way of planting seeds just so. I know that I am fertile soil, but somehow she has a knack with me. First it was coffee, then beer (I have been a beer drinker for very short periods of times in my life and will see how long this one lasts) and now the leg thing. I can basically sleeve my right calf around my first tattoo and that would be a good place to start my new project. The point there is to start my new theme someplace that isn't such prime real estate. (I'm not telling what my theme is right now.) Now I need to find someone to work with. I know I will soon. I have only been in the city for a week now and have already made some fantastic connections.
Now I guess I should get a little raw and serious. I had an anxiety riddled week last week. It was full of excruciating pain and despair. I filled myself with drink and passed out. I woke up several times in cold sweats and panic. There were many times that I wished I no longer had to endure such crushing pain. But I made it.

Let no one deceive another
or despise anyone anywhere,
or through anger or irritation
wish for another to suffer.