Lately I have been contemplating the difference between a death wish and suicidal tendencies. Not the difference technically; they are well defined. The question comes with reference to how/when one shifts between the two. Can they be one? Can they co-exist? No. No, they cannot. Suicidal tendencies come when a person has decided that the only option for that person is death and no other solution exists. A death wish is a compulsion of sorts. One puts one self into dangerous situations over and over again to see how close he can come to death and defeat death.
Why is this even here? Lately, in the mornings, I have been finding myself in situations that are more dangerous than necessary and feeling no fear of them. No natural flight or flight in me. Pure adrenalin and clarity. There have been close calls for sure. On Wednesday, I pulled out to closely to an oncoming car and had the back wheel of my bike fly out from under me. I was at about 45° to the side and 25° from center. This is a spot where there really is only about a 35% chance of pulling the bike back up. I did. I motored to the stop light and stopped. Completely calm. The guy whom I cut off drove up and made a cross with his fingers as if to repel me like a vampire. I beckoned him closer but he was clearly not interested in a lengthy discussion. I wanted to tell him about all of this and other things. Maybe I will see him again and we can have some coffee. I decided again to take my bike out in the rain. This is what I had referred to in other times as irresponsible riding. The oil is coming up from the roads and the poor visibility make for treacherous riding. All along, I felt no fear, only peace. Does this mean I have death wish? I don't really think so. It means to me that I am loosening up on the fear. This is always something that I consider a conquest. Not this time. I keep thinking I have an ulterior motive (nefarious and sinister).
The key? Find and extricate that damn idea that is stuck in my mind's car seat. Find the person that can help me achieve this and beg and plead for the help necessary. I have to make a choice. Slowly destroy myself with the status quo and risk nothing or get the damn idea out.
This is a classic struggle for me. If I do nothing, I am only hurting myself (as far as I can tell). If I act on the extraction, there is potential for much more hurt for me and others involved. There is also potential for great reward there. From great risk, comes great reward or great tragedy. I must find the strength to risk much and be prepared to lose all. If not, limbo is where I will stay. Taking much greater risks with myself to avoid harming others.
This, of course is so perverted. The above makes the assumption that no one will be hurt if I am not here and that there is much to be gained by my absence. I tend to believe this, but know how people react when I express this. Anger, disgust, disbelief, sadness, contempt. Clearly, I am not looking at the same variables as these folks. It is do or die time. And, yes, Josh is calling you out. I am calling you out. Don't run away again. The truth as it is will be our guide and our direction. We can and may hide in pleasantries for a long time. No one wants to get involved, but we are already involved, you see. We are already involved. That is the one truth. So what do we do now?
And so it starts.
You switch the engine on.
We set controls for the heart of the sun,
one of the ways we show our age.
Curse me out in free verse
Wrap me up and reverse this
Patience is a virtue
Until it's silence burns you
Come along Fool
A direct hit of the senses you are disconnected
It’s not that it’s bad…it’s not that it’s death
It’s just that it is on the tip of your tongue, and you're so silent
Why is this even here? Lately, in the mornings, I have been finding myself in situations that are more dangerous than necessary and feeling no fear of them. No natural flight or flight in me. Pure adrenalin and clarity. There have been close calls for sure. On Wednesday, I pulled out to closely to an oncoming car and had the back wheel of my bike fly out from under me. I was at about 45° to the side and 25° from center. This is a spot where there really is only about a 35% chance of pulling the bike back up. I did. I motored to the stop light and stopped. Completely calm. The guy whom I cut off drove up and made a cross with his fingers as if to repel me like a vampire. I beckoned him closer but he was clearly not interested in a lengthy discussion. I wanted to tell him about all of this and other things. Maybe I will see him again and we can have some coffee. I decided again to take my bike out in the rain. This is what I had referred to in other times as irresponsible riding. The oil is coming up from the roads and the poor visibility make for treacherous riding. All along, I felt no fear, only peace. Does this mean I have death wish? I don't really think so. It means to me that I am loosening up on the fear. This is always something that I consider a conquest. Not this time. I keep thinking I have an ulterior motive (nefarious and sinister).
The key? Find and extricate that damn idea that is stuck in my mind's car seat. Find the person that can help me achieve this and beg and plead for the help necessary. I have to make a choice. Slowly destroy myself with the status quo and risk nothing or get the damn idea out.
This is a classic struggle for me. If I do nothing, I am only hurting myself (as far as I can tell). If I act on the extraction, there is potential for much more hurt for me and others involved. There is also potential for great reward there. From great risk, comes great reward or great tragedy. I must find the strength to risk much and be prepared to lose all. If not, limbo is where I will stay. Taking much greater risks with myself to avoid harming others.
This, of course is so perverted. The above makes the assumption that no one will be hurt if I am not here and that there is much to be gained by my absence. I tend to believe this, but know how people react when I express this. Anger, disgust, disbelief, sadness, contempt. Clearly, I am not looking at the same variables as these folks. It is do or die time. And, yes, Josh is calling you out. I am calling you out. Don't run away again. The truth as it is will be our guide and our direction. We can and may hide in pleasantries for a long time. No one wants to get involved, but we are already involved, you see. We are already involved. That is the one truth. So what do we do now?
And so it starts.
You switch the engine on.
We set controls for the heart of the sun,
one of the ways we show our age.
Curse me out in free verse
Wrap me up and reverse this
Patience is a virtue
Until it's silence burns you
Come along Fool
A direct hit of the senses you are disconnected
It’s not that it’s bad…it’s not that it’s death
It’s just that it is on the tip of your tongue, and you're so silent
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