To all my friends...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
birthday post (get while the gettin's good)
Thank you Jon, Russ, Randall and Steve for the fantastic birthday day and dinner. I really appreciate it, more than I would ever try to express.
I was trying to lead up to this somehow, but I don't have much else. I know what is wrong with me, but I don't. I know I am aged, divorced and have a child. I can see how that can be scary and different than other situations. Fine. But, I am aged and learned, which means I am not doomed to fuck up as much as I used to (aka learn from the many, many mistakes I have made). I am divorced, so fucking what? Who hasn't had a breakup? At least we are cool and still care a great deal for one another and so forth. That is more than I can say for so many of the other break up's I have experienced. I have a child. This is the one that I can see could be troubling. This is the greatest responsibility anyone can take. I took it willingly and wantingly (not a word, birthday poetic license). I am not asking anyone to share the weight, but I can see the other side. Not asking in this situation doesn't mean much. If you hang with me, you are hanging with Eva period. I guess that is asking in a fashion. Ok, those are immutable, everything else is negotiable.
Wow, what a day. I had another great one on the slopes, heard from friends near and far, and had a fantastic dinner. I am now being called down to rejoin the (my?) party. What does the below quote have at all to do with the post? You tell me.
if one going down into a river,
swollen and swiftly flowing,
is carried away by the current --
how can one help others across?
I was trying to lead up to this somehow, but I don't have much else. I know what is wrong with me, but I don't. I know I am aged, divorced and have a child. I can see how that can be scary and different than other situations. Fine. But, I am aged and learned, which means I am not doomed to fuck up as much as I used to (aka learn from the many, many mistakes I have made). I am divorced, so fucking what? Who hasn't had a breakup? At least we are cool and still care a great deal for one another and so forth. That is more than I can say for so many of the other break up's I have experienced. I have a child. This is the one that I can see could be troubling. This is the greatest responsibility anyone can take. I took it willingly and wantingly (not a word, birthday poetic license). I am not asking anyone to share the weight, but I can see the other side. Not asking in this situation doesn't mean much. If you hang with me, you are hanging with Eva period. I guess that is asking in a fashion. Ok, those are immutable, everything else is negotiable.
Wow, what a day. I had another great one on the slopes, heard from friends near and far, and had a fantastic dinner. I am now being called down to rejoin the (my?) party. What does the below quote have at all to do with the post? You tell me.
if one going down into a river,
swollen and swiftly flowing,
is carried away by the current --
how can one help others across?
Saturday, December 27, 2008
nonsense
Ok, who knows what the fuck is coming off the fingers now. I know this: I was in the snow today. I am in tahoe city. I am at the bad mother hucker chalet. What else do I know? Not very much. I know that being goofy and in the middle on lifts is not the best. How many sentences can I start with "I". You count pleaes and get back to me. Well, hasn't bloging taken the essence of what Jack Kerouac was trying to acheive and perverted it completely and truely? Case in point: ME. Your friendly neighborhood phony wannabe writer. Better luck next time, ya?
Thursday, December 25, 2008
festivus
My father visited me in my sleep last night for the 3rd time since his death nearly 13 years ago. Those of you who dismiss this statement outright, click away NOW,
Everyone else:
The first time it happened was about 2 years after his death. He chase me through many dreamscapes, desperately trying to get my attention. I was keenly aware of presence but would not acknowledge it. Finally, as morning crept in, he was able to catch up to me enough to grab me by the arm and pull me to face him. He said only one thing: This is not a dream, it is really me.
And I awoke.
The second time was just as things were all falling apart at home less than 2 years ago. Even though it had been 8 or so years since his last visit, I have never forgotten it even in my sleep and was quite receptive to his presence. This time I was ready for a message and he knew it. My dad was not a touchy feely man, almost never prone to sentiment and certainly not one to paint a rosy picture. This time the message was a direction; a dose of clairatly. He said to me: You need to be a better person, you need to try harder.
And I awoke.
The third time was last night, Christmas eve of all nights. I was having particularly vivid dreams last night. Dreams of hope and love. Dreams of peace and prosperity, not for me, but for all. This time was very similar to the first visit with juxtaposition. I knew he was there the whole time. I continued to try to make time in my dream to speak with him, but got distracted. Not in a this is more important than that distracted. Dream priority distracted. I think this was part of the point of the message. It wasn't yet time to deliver it. There were things to observe prior. There were worlds to explore. This time the message was a question; a message of inspiration and beauty. He said to me: Do you still dream?
And I awoke.
Yes, I do. Thanks Dad for the visit.
Thanks for reading friends.
Come dream with me!
Everyone else:
The first time it happened was about 2 years after his death. He chase me through many dreamscapes, desperately trying to get my attention. I was keenly aware of presence but would not acknowledge it. Finally, as morning crept in, he was able to catch up to me enough to grab me by the arm and pull me to face him. He said only one thing: This is not a dream, it is really me.
And I awoke.
The second time was just as things were all falling apart at home less than 2 years ago. Even though it had been 8 or so years since his last visit, I have never forgotten it even in my sleep and was quite receptive to his presence. This time I was ready for a message and he knew it. My dad was not a touchy feely man, almost never prone to sentiment and certainly not one to paint a rosy picture. This time the message was a direction; a dose of clairatly. He said to me: You need to be a better person, you need to try harder.
And I awoke.
The third time was last night, Christmas eve of all nights. I was having particularly vivid dreams last night. Dreams of hope and love. Dreams of peace and prosperity, not for me, but for all. This time was very similar to the first visit with juxtaposition. I knew he was there the whole time. I continued to try to make time in my dream to speak with him, but got distracted. Not in a this is more important than that distracted. Dream priority distracted. I think this was part of the point of the message. It wasn't yet time to deliver it. There were things to observe prior. There were worlds to explore. This time the message was a question; a message of inspiration and beauty. He said to me: Do you still dream?
And I awoke.
Yes, I do. Thanks Dad for the visit.
Thanks for reading friends.
Come dream with me!
Friday, December 19, 2008
licking rocks
I have a fragile psyche. By this I mean that my sense of self is ever changing, turning. I had a dream when I was a child of about 11 that I was riding a dirt bike around an oval. I was racing and jumping, around and around. My parents were in the stands, but they weren't rooting or cheering. They were asking me a series of rather odd questions. What are you doing? Why are you here? As it turned out, I was sleepwalking and had wondered into my parents room.
The track is my psyche, my parents reality, and the bike is my ride through this mess. On occasion, I wonder into reality and deconstruct. I do not find this to be positive or negative. Today, I had an eruption of reality. Some of my self died today as every day and some new came to life. It was just more painful than usual. I took action and am moving on. What else would I do with myself if I wasn't doing this all the time?
Yea I used some of this earlier today. If you heard it before, consider yourself lucky. A comedian only practices his jokes to his most trusted friends.
The track is my psyche, my parents reality, and the bike is my ride through this mess. On occasion, I wonder into reality and deconstruct. I do not find this to be positive or negative. Today, I had an eruption of reality. Some of my self died today as every day and some new came to life. It was just more painful than usual. I took action and am moving on. What else would I do with myself if I wasn't doing this all the time?
Yea I used some of this earlier today. If you heard it before, consider yourself lucky. A comedian only practices his jokes to his most trusted friends.
things got pretty sour
Here i was, Friday afternoon before the holiday. I have been working all week even though I was supposed to be on vacation beginning since Wednesday. That never happens anyway, no surprise. Anyone looking for coherency, turn away now, scrambled eggs is all you will find here.
I had a client for Monday that was already leaning to the pleasant side with me. That should have been a fairly simple day.
That would have left plenty of time for the other tasks on the list:
I then had a pretty cool day planned for Tuesday. I had a client set up in SF which personally assisted in the sale of more of my time (a first for me). I had lunch plans with a couple of friends who are heading back home that day. The it was back to vinyasa. Let me tell ya, this shit is rad. I have been saying for about two years that I just haven't found any workout that gives me the workout I require besides the running, until now.
Well, all that came to a halt right in the middle of a short errand run. I had been told over and over this week: There is no way you are going to Wisconsin. Well, guess what? I'm going to Wisconsin. Yep, I have a 12:30 flight headed straight into the midwest. My only hope now? The weather is too bad for the plane to depart. This is a dangerous wish. The same wish can get me stuck there for a week. What are you gonna do?
Move on, that's what. I am amazed at the focusing power of sudden change. I am also thankful for all the kind thoughts. Even the travel agent assured me that there would be no way I was actually flying out on Sunday. One particularly generous friend even went so far as to guarantee as much and confirm our plans. I really, really hope this is right, but I am not holding my breath. Of course, none of us truly knows the future. Well, not me anyway.
I had a client for Monday that was already leaning to the pleasant side with me. That should have been a fairly simple day.
That would have left plenty of time for the other tasks on the list:
- pick up board from shop
- go to storage and grab some vinyl
- pack container for cabin
- go to gym
- hang with eva
I then had a pretty cool day planned for Tuesday. I had a client set up in SF which personally assisted in the sale of more of my time (a first for me). I had lunch plans with a couple of friends who are heading back home that day. The it was back to vinyasa. Let me tell ya, this shit is rad. I have been saying for about two years that I just haven't found any workout that gives me the workout I require besides the running, until now.
Well, all that came to a halt right in the middle of a short errand run. I had been told over and over this week: There is no way you are going to Wisconsin. Well, guess what? I'm going to Wisconsin. Yep, I have a 12:30 flight headed straight into the midwest. My only hope now? The weather is too bad for the plane to depart. This is a dangerous wish. The same wish can get me stuck there for a week. What are you gonna do?
Move on, that's what. I am amazed at the focusing power of sudden change. I am also thankful for all the kind thoughts. Even the travel agent assured me that there would be no way I was actually flying out on Sunday. One particularly generous friend even went so far as to guarantee as much and confirm our plans. I really, really hope this is right, but I am not holding my breath. Of course, none of us truly knows the future. Well, not me anyway.
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