saturday

Saturday, Eva, Anna and I set out to Ocean Beach. We packed Eva’s bike in the back of honky and drove off. It was hot and impressive. Eva is getting pretty good at riding that thing. All she lacks now, really is desire. This is surely my fault. I help her too much. She doesn’t want to do the hard parts of riding the bike: getting started mostly. Anna handled this much better than I did. She stood by Eva and told her she was there for support, but that she was going to have to get started and balance on her own.
Ok, Eva got started and began riding really well. I was running beside her. Ocean Beach has a rather wide walkway beside the beach; this is where she rode. About ever 50 yards there is an opening on this walkway with concrete stairs that lead to the beach.
As we approach one of these openings Eva suddenly veers as though pulled magnetically or gravitationally towards the stairs. I was just a few steps behind her, but too far behind to do anything. Eva rode straight through the opening.
All kinds of shit flashed through my head. This was sure to be a serious injury. There were a dozen foot tall concrete stairs Eva has just launched herself down. At the very least, stitches, at worst, several broken bones and missing teeth?
Well, Eva somehow realizes that this is not going to be good and at the very last second does an action hero style launch from her bike and lands about 1 ½ stairs down, prone like a rock climber hanging on to a particularly difficult hold with a curious smile on her face.
My fear turned so quickly to relief that I fell to the ground next to her laughing. I laughed so hard I peed a little bit. I certainly wasn’t laughing at what she had done, although it was funny, I was laughing at life. That split second that I knew something bad was happening showed me I knew absolutely nothing. I mean, what could be more of a sure thing than a 5 year old kid launching herself down concrete demon steps toward certain injury? Well, that’s the thing, nothing, nothing NOTHING is certain.

AJ i love you more than i can say

twice as much tomorrow.

feeling good.

fish in the sea, you know how I feel.

disapointment

It is easy to be a loser.  All it takes is never doing anything, at least not doing anything right.  You go around stealing, cheating, lying, getting by.  No one expects anything from you and no one is surprised when nothing comes.  This is the life of a looser. 
A disappointment is something else all together.  This is someone that people go on about having potential, talent, etc. and come close to fulfilling it and fall short time and again. This is what I am most often referred to as.  Sure I get close and sometimes come through when needed.  Enough to not be a loser, but not enough to be anything more than a disappointment.
I went to see someone today, I think it went well.  I can become impatient with the process.
Finding light in darkness is usually not hard fro me.  Every once in a while, I get scared.  This happened to me last night.  I am keeping company with a magical person, a great person.  I have been gripped with fear.  A disappointment is what I have always been.  Is this what I will always be? 
Please allow me to not be a disappointment this time. 

intermission

Hello.  Accidentally bought a shirt today.  If you don't know how this happens, you never will.  If you do, well, the shirt is rad and I'm wearing it now.  Been on a yoga binge so far this week, slept in once, and have had some coffee.  I can really see how this no working thing would really never get old.  I don't really understand the people who say they would get bored.  I can go on and on like this forever.  It rules. 
Socially awkward people make life hard for all of us.  Just because you are in a hurry, that doesn't mean, stand right up on my ass.  I am not going to be able to finish what I am doing any faster just because you are closer and in fact, I may be slightly slower.  It isn't easy to concentrate on whatever when you are worried that the person behind you has ass rape on his mind.  Just a fact.
Waiting on a friend right now at a coffee shop.  I am being so pretentious, with my coffee (black) tight jeans and mac laptop pretending to write something important.  Everyone who has ever read this (as the title implies) knows this is about nothing at all.  Being serious is not my forte.  In fact, I am piss poor at it.  I have been writing fiction the last two days.  It has been draining.  That is not to say that I haven't enjoyed it, I have.  It is just by the end of the day, I am spent.  I really have come to realize that it is very much like writing code.  My social skills (whatever I possess) go right out the window.  I suppose that isn't much of a consequence for getting to spend all day doing a hobby.  I am not sure I know very many people whom have ever been able to spend days on end on their hobby.  Yay sabbatical.  I have to get going for now, friend is almost here and it is dinner time.

Paralysed

The crows come home to roost

sabbatical

Most of you know that today begins my sabbatical from work. I guess that is where I got the title from, yea, I am super creative.
Bitches! What is with Yoga in SF when the real deal teachers are out of town. I am not going to out and out bash, not cool of course, but it is hard to get all excited for a mediocre class, just saying. We are in SF, yo! and i guess i think they can do better. (dropping capitalization from here on out, see what else drops).
people moving out, people moving in. not really cause of the color of their skin. life is never stopping, always changing. i, for one, would be happy to relive today a few more times, it has been good so far, but it is just not possible. No matter how good it is, you cannot keep it, no matter how bad it is, it will end.
So, what is with people anyway? I got this person i am thinking of, who is a teacher of sorts. this person is supposed to set an example, right? isn't that what teachers do? i don't want to dwell on this too much. But fuck you douche. i hope you read this and i hope you wanna talk to me about it. i would love to have a little chat.
Oh, friend in flux. you are doing great! really. i know what is happening is really pressing on you and making the world seem sharp. i don't really know if it will ever be better, but if i had to bet, i would bet yes. i would bet on you.
there is this other thing that i have been interested in for a long time. that has gotten really great lately. i have basically stopped writing here because i have been feeling secretive or that i am invading another's privacy. well, i got some permission today, hope it doesn't get revoked.
i got me a darling, and i really like it. i realize that we must be a bit annoying to others. note to others: fuck you. yet there are others out there that seem perfectly pleased by us. there are many unsolicited smiles headed our way. whatever, i have an infectious smile.
my daughter is 5 and has a crush on a 30 something old man. she got a bit jealous of our friend moving in on her territory. it was fucking funny but also a scary view of times to come.
hey i forgot how much i like doing this.
it sucks to be closeted.
do you know what you get when you cross the sweetest honey with the smartest book and the prettiest picture and the most fragrant flower? i do.

i'm on a roll fuckers. watch out.