Ok, maybe I am a bit stir crazy~~~~~~

Someone asked me today "are you getting restless?"  I answered no right away, No.  Well those right away answers may sometimes be right, but, and I know this is so unlike me, I thought about it a little more.  that question was right on, but I didn't  even realize it.  I am not restless with my job.  I am restless with my living situation.  I am sick of living out here secluded from my life;  secluded from my office; secluded from my aspirations.  I have 6 am meetings almost every morning.  By the time I am done with those meetings, I am basically stuck here.  I can not or,  will not, at that point get up and drive/train to my office in SF.  So I am stuck in this hole of an apartment for the rest of the day's work.  It sucks to work here.

And that isn't even really the point.  I have made a decision to move somewhere else.  I am biding time.  I am seldom good at that particular venture.  Decision has been made, time to go.

I am restless because I am sick of living here and am ready to move on. 

Ok, now that I have realized that, I can assimilate with it and make it a livable situation.  It is no longer a creature lurking behind me that others can see, but I just couldn't catch a glimps.  I got you now!

good are friends when need arises;
good is contentment with just what one has;
good is merit when life is at an end,
and good is the abandoning of all suffering.

too tired to write

I got nothing.  Hope today found everyone warm, well and happy.

almost there.

jean michel
hello?
is this the suicide hot line?
Yes
my name is joe, what's yours?
jean michel
jean michel, what's that french?
Haitian...I'm gonna, I'm gona blow my brains out
wait a minute talk to me
no I'm going to take these pills
what kind of pills?
reds blues greens, whole fuckin rainbow trustee's harassin me
are you in prison?
no, city's killing me
Tell me about it, your talking to the right guy. How's it killing you?
boyfriend left.
I've been there; do you love him?
not specially, I'm alone; we all are here; respect fools get, disrespect i get
I have respect for you just for makin this call; this is not an easy call to make
you won't be so arrogant when the police arrive
you ok? what's that noise?
It's my mother...

Heavy sigh for all of you out there. There is peace, one way or another. This has been etched in my head for so long now. It is a reminder of what might have been. What might have happened. No matter how close you get, you are not there. Don't be there. Get help.

I am aggravating

To those of you who know me, this is no surprise. I live my life in controlled chaos. I am ok with that; no, I enjoy it. Lately this truth has been especially acutely difficult with some. Let me say first of all: I am truly sorry, I mean no harm, I am trying my best to mitigate this for those it effects.

That being said. there are a few things I know I am particularly exceptional at. One of those things is living in this chaos. It doesn't phase me. I actually think I enjoy it. This is the life I chose to lead. I am not sure I ever wanted to be certain of what tomorrow will bring, where I will be or who will be there. I do my best to live moment to moment.

Well, that doesn't work out too well when others are not on that path with you.

I will do everything in my power to make this as comfortable as possible for those people, but I will not sacrifice my dreams just for this and would never expect another to do that for me. It is what it is.

lighter side
I had never been to dc before last month. I am heading there next week. The last time I was there congress was ironing out the budget bail out bill. Next week I will be there to experience the national election. timing is everything, right?

I heard from a friend yesterday that I haven't in many years. s/he thanked me for something that happened a long time ago. All I can say is you are welcome, you have always been welcome and I am glad I could be there.

Whatever an enemy might do to an enemy,
or a foe to a foe,
the ill-directed mind
can do to you even worse.

it can't always be sunshine

This is what I know. People love to be happy. People want to be happy. Yet, people are rarely happy for very long. I am no self help artist, although, I do try and help myself. The pendulum which as followed me as long as I can remember has again swung to a familiar place. Inward, always inward. Self-centered loathing. I have spent the better part of two days trying to fight my deep rooted need to punish myself for imperfection. Who do I think I am anyway? Perfection is basically theoretical in the most clinical of settings, let alone human interaction.

Decisions have been made. Back to the basics. I am, I can, I will...

Oh, I turned so far outward, expecting, craving, averting. I let id in, turned ego up and went forth. Recipe for misdeed and disorder. My outward voice became so loud, it was all I can hear. Somewhat reflective of a child's ever changing need belief. I headed face first into a crisis of which the only solution I have ever know is to begin again. Fortunately that is very workable and can be quite positive.

What comes next? Only tomorrow knows.

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me

All's well that...

abbreviated airport post
Melissa Pierce, in her piece continually asks the question: Is the planned life even worth living? Since I found Melissa and her questions, I have been continuously pondering this and other related questions. I have made her questions my own. My answer, especially today is: Not only is it not worth living, it doesn't exist and if one is delusional to believe it does, one has precluded oneself from real and lasting happiness.

I have most definitely perverted her central theme to fit my life, but I believe that the question is universal and the theme even more so. My life in perpetual beta is just that, beta. Perfection is the end of growing, the end of learning. In software, beta is unfinished. In life, beta is life being lived.

This time

The onset of my feelings of detachment started early on this week. I got to the point of questioning my literal existence (metaphorically). This is not to say I am wondering about my purpose or place. Nothing so intense. Had a discussion with my brother about it today and wrote a friend as a thought filter device. Instead of rewriting, I will excerpt:

I am working on an army base. That in itself is very sequestering. Where i am staying in St. Louis is not the best neighborhood. I have been told by several people that it is not safe at night. One person told me that a person just up and disappeared from that very neighborhood last week.
discussion with brother:

Me:I believe I exist, so I exist.

My brother is much more literal: I am made of matter, matter is real, therefore I am real.

The point of this all is really that I have come to know that I am in the middle of an extremely long stretch of this kind of schedule and I have not accepted it. Once I do, that is that. All the scheming regarding a way out cause angst. Yo, I know this, I am just not perfect.

After writing this, realization struck. I have been heading this way all week. I began this trip separated from reality and drifted further and further away until I had completely forgotten to remember this.

I am, whether I like it or not. There is no scalpel or hatchet involved here, just me. I love my life and wouldn't trade it, just lost track of it. Thought I disappeared. Craved attention. Fell back. Found a place close enough to center to call home.

Well, I didn’t know, just couldn’t see
The memories of past failures
Like a shadow haunting me

There was a dream
I wanted to come true
But dreams
You know they need to be followed through

That’s why this time, this time
I’m gonna try it my way
I’m gonna live life my way