For Mike

Eva started her beginner girls gymnastics this evening.  We moved to another night (it used to be Wednesday) and it is downright pleasant here.  I don't mean to be such an a-hole, but Wednesdays were mobbed here.  This is better simple because there aren't so many damn people everywhere. 
Why is this called "for mike"?  Well, Mike is coming to visit tomorrow, and since he is just about the only person on earth who reads this, it is for him. 
It has been increasingly difficult to get things down here in the past months.  E warned me about this rather common affliction.  I guess I would say I didn't worry about it much.  I just let it roll and tried not to disappoint too much.  I am going to write as best as possible and see how it goes.  (This one is just babble practice) and we are all going to be happy about that.
What the hell have I been up to?  Geez, my life has been absolutely awesome since I stopped writing regularly in June.  I have been living in mostly peace and harmony.  There was one thing that had to be sacrificed.  I know that this wasn't asked of me.  Quite the contrary actually.  I was given permission to spill my guts and our business here.  I agree that this was disclosed prior to commitments, etc, etc, but I feel and felt that this was not really polite behavior.  I guess I have to get over that.  I really do like writing this stuff.  It is like the garbage disposal for my brain.  I put my extra thoughts down here and I no longer have to keep them in my head.
Where was I?
What have I been doing?
Well, I have been enjoying myself a lot.  I cannot believe how well things are going at home.  Eva is great and I cannot imagine a relationship going any better than Anna and mine is.  We recently returned from a 10 day silent meditation.  It is really 12 days but they only count 10 of them.  Also, the silent part is the easy part (I know what you were wondering).  There were many thoughts that come and go when one embarks on a serious endeavor such as this.  One thing that struck me over and over during my sit was how incredibly brave and strong she is.  Much more than me, in fact.  I told her today: you inspires me every day.  How lucky am I?  Ok, what else did I learn?  Well, lots.  I have been working on lately is overcoming all of my fears.  I thought I was a pretty tough guy, but man, I am afraid of so many things.  Certainly too afraid to cop to anything right now.  Well maybe one here.  I am afraid that I am aging quickly and am not nearly as smart and quick as I used to be. 
Whoa that felt tough to write. 
Anyway, Mike, I look forward to seeing you this weekend.

Eva

Today, on the way to work, Eva made a few video shout outs. I will post them later, they are awesome.

saturday

Saturday, Eva, Anna and I set out to Ocean Beach. We packed Eva’s bike in the back of honky and drove off. It was hot and impressive. Eva is getting pretty good at riding that thing. All she lacks now, really is desire. This is surely my fault. I help her too much. She doesn’t want to do the hard parts of riding the bike: getting started mostly. Anna handled this much better than I did. She stood by Eva and told her she was there for support, but that she was going to have to get started and balance on her own.
Ok, Eva got started and began riding really well. I was running beside her. Ocean Beach has a rather wide walkway beside the beach; this is where she rode. About ever 50 yards there is an opening on this walkway with concrete stairs that lead to the beach.
As we approach one of these openings Eva suddenly veers as though pulled magnetically or gravitationally towards the stairs. I was just a few steps behind her, but too far behind to do anything. Eva rode straight through the opening.
All kinds of shit flashed through my head. This was sure to be a serious injury. There were a dozen foot tall concrete stairs Eva has just launched herself down. At the very least, stitches, at worst, several broken bones and missing teeth?
Well, Eva somehow realizes that this is not going to be good and at the very last second does an action hero style launch from her bike and lands about 1 ½ stairs down, prone like a rock climber hanging on to a particularly difficult hold with a curious smile on her face.
My fear turned so quickly to relief that I fell to the ground next to her laughing. I laughed so hard I peed a little bit. I certainly wasn’t laughing at what she had done, although it was funny, I was laughing at life. That split second that I knew something bad was happening showed me I knew absolutely nothing. I mean, what could be more of a sure thing than a 5 year old kid launching herself down concrete demon steps toward certain injury? Well, that’s the thing, nothing, nothing NOTHING is certain.

AJ i love you more than i can say

twice as much tomorrow.

feeling good.

fish in the sea, you know how I feel.

disapointment

It is easy to be a loser.  All it takes is never doing anything, at least not doing anything right.  You go around stealing, cheating, lying, getting by.  No one expects anything from you and no one is surprised when nothing comes.  This is the life of a looser. 
A disappointment is something else all together.  This is someone that people go on about having potential, talent, etc. and come close to fulfilling it and fall short time and again. This is what I am most often referred to as.  Sure I get close and sometimes come through when needed.  Enough to not be a loser, but not enough to be anything more than a disappointment.
I went to see someone today, I think it went well.  I can become impatient with the process.
Finding light in darkness is usually not hard fro me.  Every once in a while, I get scared.  This happened to me last night.  I am keeping company with a magical person, a great person.  I have been gripped with fear.  A disappointment is what I have always been.  Is this what I will always be? 
Please allow me to not be a disappointment this time. 

intermission

Hello.  Accidentally bought a shirt today.  If you don't know how this happens, you never will.  If you do, well, the shirt is rad and I'm wearing it now.  Been on a yoga binge so far this week, slept in once, and have had some coffee.  I can really see how this no working thing would really never get old.  I don't really understand the people who say they would get bored.  I can go on and on like this forever.  It rules. 
Socially awkward people make life hard for all of us.  Just because you are in a hurry, that doesn't mean, stand right up on my ass.  I am not going to be able to finish what I am doing any faster just because you are closer and in fact, I may be slightly slower.  It isn't easy to concentrate on whatever when you are worried that the person behind you has ass rape on his mind.  Just a fact.
Waiting on a friend right now at a coffee shop.  I am being so pretentious, with my coffee (black) tight jeans and mac laptop pretending to write something important.  Everyone who has ever read this (as the title implies) knows this is about nothing at all.  Being serious is not my forte.  In fact, I am piss poor at it.  I have been writing fiction the last two days.  It has been draining.  That is not to say that I haven't enjoyed it, I have.  It is just by the end of the day, I am spent.  I really have come to realize that it is very much like writing code.  My social skills (whatever I possess) go right out the window.  I suppose that isn't much of a consequence for getting to spend all day doing a hobby.  I am not sure I know very many people whom have ever been able to spend days on end on their hobby.  Yay sabbatical.  I have to get going for now, friend is almost here and it is dinner time.