Josh's blog about nothing

For Mike

2010-01-28T18:19:00.001-08:00

Eva started her beginner girls gymnastics this evening. We moved to another night (it used to be Wednesday) and it is downright pleasant here. I don't mean to be such an a-hole, but Wednesdays were mobbed here. This is better simple because there aren't so many damn people everywhere.
Why is this called "for mike"? Well, Mike is coming to visit tomorrow, and since he is just about the only person on earth who reads this, it is for him.
It has been increasingly difficult to get things down here in the past months. E warned me about this rather common affliction. I guess I would say I didn't worry about it much. I just let it roll and tried not to disappoint too much. I am going to write as best as possible and see how it goes. (This one is just babble practice) and we are all going to be happy about that.
What the hell have I been up to? Geez, my life has been absolutely awesome since I stopped writing regularly in June. I have been living in mostly peace and harmony. There was one thing that had to be sacrificed. I know that this wasn't asked of me. Quite the contrary actually. I was given permission to spill my guts and our business here. I agree that this was disclosed prior to commitments, etc, etc, but I feel and felt that this was not really polite behavior. I guess I have to get over that. I really do like writing this stuff. It is like the garbage disposal for my brain. I put my extra thoughts down here and I no longer have to keep them in my head.
Where was I?
What have I been doing?
Well, I have been enjoying myself a lot. I cannot believe how well things are going at home. Eva is great and I cannot imagine a relationship going any better than Anna and mine is. We recently returned from a 10 day silent meditation. It is really 12 days but they only count 10 of them. Also, the silent part is the easy part (I know what you were wondering). There were many thoughts that come and go when one embarks on a serious endeavor such as this. One thing that struck me over and over during my sit was how incredibly brave and strong she is. Much more than me, in fact. I told her today: you inspires me every day. How lucky am I? Ok, what else did I learn? Well, lots. I have been working on lately is overcoming all of my fears. I thought I was a pretty tough guy, but man, I am afraid of so many things. Certainly too afraid to cop to anything right now. Well maybe one here. I am afraid that I am aging quickly and am not nearly as smart and quick as I used to be.
Whoa that felt tough to write.
Anyway, Mike, I look forward to seeing you this weekend.

Eva

2009-12-17T08:59:00.001-08:00

Today, on the way to work, Eva made a few video shout outs. I will post them later, they are awesome.

saturday

2009-08-31T20:01:00.001-07:00

Saturday, Eva, Anna and I set out to Ocean Beach. We packed Eva’s bike in the back of honky and drove off. It was hot and impressive. Eva is getting pretty good at riding that thing. All she lacks now, really is desire. This is surely my fault. I help her too much. She doesn’t want to do the hard parts of riding the bike: getting started mostly. Anna handled this much better than I did. She stood by Eva and told her she was there for support, but that she was going to have to get started and balance on her own.
Ok, Eva got started and began riding really well. I was running beside her. Ocean Beach has a rather wide walkway beside the beach; this is where she rode. About ever 50 yards there is an opening on this walkway with concrete stairs that lead to the beach.
As we approach one of these openings Eva suddenly veers as though pulled magnetically or gravitationally towards the stairs. I was just a few steps behind her, but too far behind to do anything. Eva rode straight through the opening.
All kinds of shit flashed through my head. This was sure to be a serious injury. There were a dozen foot tall concrete stairs Eva has just launched herself down. At the very least, stitches, at worst, several broken bones and missing teeth?
Well, Eva somehow realizes that this is not going to be good and at the very last second does an action hero style launch from her bike and lands about 1 ½ stairs down, prone like a rock climber hanging on to a particularly difficult hold with a curious smile on her face.
My fear turned so quickly to relief that I fell to the ground next to her laughing. I laughed so hard I peed a little bit. I certainly wasn’t laughing at what she had done, although it was funny, I was laughing at life. That split second that I knew something bad was happening showed me I knew absolutely nothing. I mean, what could be more of a sure thing than a 5 year old kid launching herself down concrete demon steps toward certain injury? Well, that’s the thing, nothing, nothing NOTHING is certain.

AJ i love you more than i can say

2009-06-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

twice as much tomorrow.

feeling good.

2009-06-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

fish in the sea, you know how I feel.

disapointment

2009-06-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

It is easy to be a loser. All it takes is never doing anything, at least not doing anything right. You go around stealing, cheating, lying, getting by. No one expects anything from you and no one is surprised when nothing comes. This is the life of a looser.
A disappointment is something else all together. This is someone that people go on about having potential, talent, etc. and come close to fulfilling it and fall short time and again. This is what I am most often referred to as. Sure I get close and sometimes come through when needed. Enough to not be a loser, but not enough to be anything more than a disappointment.
I went to see someone today, I think it went well. I can become impatient with the process.
Finding light in darkness is usually not hard fro me. Every once in a while, I get scared. This happened to me last night. I am keeping company with a magical person, a great person. I have been gripped with fear. A disappointment is what I have always been. Is this what I will always be?
Please allow me to not be a disappointment this time.

intermission

2009-06-10T18:29:00.000-07:00

Hello. Accidentally bought a shirt today. If you don't know how this happens, you never will. If you do, well, the shirt is rad and I'm wearing it now. Been on a yoga binge so far this week, slept in once, and have had some coffee. I can really see how this no working thing would really never get old. I don't really understand the people who say they would get bored. I can go on and on like this forever. It rules.
Socially awkward people make life hard for all of us. Just because you are in a hurry, that doesn't mean, stand right up on my ass. I am not going to be able to finish what I am doing any faster just because you are closer and in fact, I may be slightly slower. It isn't easy to concentrate on whatever when you are worried that the person behind you has ass rape on his mind. Just a fact.
Waiting on a friend right now at a coffee shop. I am being so pretentious, with my coffee (black) tight jeans and mac laptop pretending to write something important. Everyone who has ever read this (as the title implies) knows this is about nothing at all. Being serious is not my forte. In fact, I am piss poor at it. I have been writing fiction the last two days. It has been draining. That is not to say that I haven't enjoyed it, I have. It is just by the end of the day, I am spent. I really have come to realize that it is very much like writing code. My social skills (whatever I possess) go right out the window. I suppose that isn't much of a consequence for getting to spend all day doing a hobby. I am not sure I know very many people whom have ever been able to spend days on end on their hobby. Yay sabbatical. I have to get going for now, friend is almost here and it is dinner time.

Paralysed

2009-06-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

The crows come home to roost

sabbatical

2009-06-05T12:57:00.000-07:00

Most of you know that today begins my sabbatical from work. I guess that is where I got the title from, yea, I am super creative.
Bitches! What is with Yoga in SF when the real deal teachers are out of town. I am not going to out and out bash, not cool of course, but it is hard to get all excited for a mediocre class, just saying. We are in SF, yo! and i guess i think they can do better. (dropping capitalization from here on out, see what else drops).
people moving out, people moving in. not really cause of the color of their skin. life is never stopping, always changing. i, for one, would be happy to relive today a few more times, it has been good so far, but it is just not possible. No matter how good it is, you cannot keep it, no matter how bad it is, it will end.
So, what is with people anyway? I got this person i am thinking of, who is a teacher of sorts. this person is supposed to set an example, right? isn't that what teachers do? i don't want to dwell on this too much. But fuck you douche. i hope you read this and i hope you wanna talk to me about it. i would love to have a little chat.
Oh, friend in flux. you are doing great! really. i know what is happening is really pressing on you and making the world seem sharp. i don't really know if it will ever be better, but if i had to bet, i would bet yes. i would bet on you.
there is this other thing that i have been interested in for a long time. that has gotten really great lately. i have basically stopped writing here because i have been feeling secretive or that i am invading another's privacy. well, i got some permission today, hope it doesn't get revoked.
i got me a darling, and i really like it. i realize that we must be a bit annoying to others. note to others: fuck you. yet there are others out there that seem perfectly pleased by us. there are many unsolicited smiles headed our way. whatever, i have an infectious smile.
my daughter is 5 and has a crush on a 30 something old man. she got a bit jealous of our friend moving in on her territory. it was fucking funny but also a scary view of times to come.
hey i forgot how much i like doing this.
it sucks to be closeted.
do you know what you get when you cross the sweetest honey with the smartest book and the prettiest picture and the most fragrant flower? i do.

i'm on a roll fuckers. watch out.

heat

2009-04-19T22:14:00.000-07:00

Dealing with the heat in one way or another was the order of the day. Cooling down now. This is one of those times where I know that there is something to be written, but don't know what yet. Bare with me. I have a cooked brain and am not sure where to start. Begin at the beginning, I suppose. Saw the Black Keys last night. Took the bike over the bridge with AJ. It was the first time for AJ on the freeway. We partook at the show and it was an incredibly pleasant ride back. As for the show, fucking amazing. Besides their incomparable rhythms and tones, it continually struck me how unreal it was that so much sound came from just those two guys. Swirling rhythms and improves mixed with BK standards. Great time.
I did have one problem with this show. It was at the Fox theater in Oakland. This is a fantastic venue. It has been completely remodeled and beautifully furnished. I have nothing against the venue itself, but it is in Oakland. Yes, this is SF snobbery, but seriously, why are all the big acts going over there to play instead of here? The marketing department at the Fox must be amazing and be run by very powerful people. I have tickets to 4 shows there in the next 2 months and have seen only one live act since moving here. It seems to me that one shouldn't have to leave SF in order to see top acts. Something must be done.
Set out for 9am yoga this morning and it just about killed me. I am not sure what I did wrong yesterday, but I suspect it was not drinking enough water. I could barely stand at the end of class and almost vomited during. I had to pull my mat out of the studio with a pool of sweat in it's center and emptied it discretely. Even in this heat, my towel is still not dry. The upside is that I gave it my absolute all and lived. It was a good day of practice. I dedicated my practice to someone different today and that person called me unexpectedly. Hope it helped.
The rest of the day. AJ and I headed over to Bi-RITE and got fixins for smoothies and a few snacky things. Neither of us felt like eating right then so we made the smoothies, drank them in my backyard (yea, on the couch out there too.) and packed up for the park. I have to admit, it has been a long while since I have been in weather that hot, completely exposed. Due to the extreme sun and in no small part to the day's earlier practice, I got some heat stroke. We were only able to stay in the sun for approximately 2 hours, returned to my place and vegged out with True Blood for a few. Then it was nap time.
I laid down for about an hour and the heat stroke passed. I got myself up and took a long walk in the hood. There were so many people out, full of zest and zeal, the energy was amazing. I returned home, read, watched and wrote with very little focus. Here we are, at the end again. We are all connected. Take care of your neighbor and you take care of yourself.

Things that are empty make a noise,
the full is always quiet.
The fool is like a half-filled pot,
the wise one is like a deep still pool.

safety

2009-04-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

Well, it doesn't feel like a vacation yet, but I hope he will start to soon. Met a lovely person last night. How did it happen.
Let me be clear here, I am writing tonight because I have been remiss in my duties. I got about a thousand words in me and one boring story in me tonight.
I had some pretty mild mannered plans for last night. I made some mazo ball soup for AJ and I to share for dinner. We had some wine and enjoyed some music while waiting for V to come out to play. I had previously never met V and was looking forward to it. We were getting either tired or restless waiting and headed outside to the kilowatt.
You know what, the middle of this story is, no, the truth is, this is personal and private. I was not an observer, but a participant. I don't feel right putting this all down.
We had a tough night and day but things turned out just right.
My life has been flying by lately. Happiness. Honestly, I guess I am too scattered.
What a wonderful city i live in, you can stay here any time.

JP

2009-03-31T23:20:00.001-07:00

Protection. Everyone need some every now and then. Now it is time for me to take some. There have been many subjects rolling around up here. I am not sure what to cover. Usually if I ramble like this long enough, something will come. I think I am just going to cover how awesome I am. Deal with it. This has come to me in the last couple of days. Whoa. I know this sounds pretty prickish and it is. But the thing is, I don’t remember this enough. Someone else knows this and will recognize. I am OK, and I am going to go ahead and believe that.

Ok, this never really happened:

Now that the dust has settled over the evening I must reiterate my (not) shame, (but that is the first word that comes to mind) for my behavior last night. That has obviously been recapped enough already today. This last bout of behavior brings me to wonder if there isn't something linking my actions to my words. I am sure there is something there, but am having trouble deciding which way this is working. Am I causing my behavior by thinking and writing about similar past behaviors or am I thinking and writing about similar past behaviors because something inside me feels a bout of such bubbling up from deep within my subconscious? This is of course an unanswerable question. I would love to be decisive here but as I was mentioning earlier, this is not a sound byte. My more rational self tells me that both are true.
This is an interesting development for me. I have always been aware that if I could recognize the behaviors that lead to the outbursts, I could stop them. That had been the struggle all along. My uncontrollable temper tantrums had always come with many warning signs, I was just never able to recognize them. I had always allowed them to simmer up inside until my top blew.
This is of course, not what happened. I didn’t have one ounce of anger inside me last night. In fact, I was blissfully dancing all the way till the end.
Fair’s fair, right? Here is where I have the most trouble with pride. I have a serious hero complex, which must seem quite obvious by now. Whenever I get a chance to save the day, I love to jump in and save the day. But what I love at least as much is the praise that comes with it. Oh, this stings to admit, for a true hero, does what he does, and goes on his way. That has happened many times too, but due to their nature, they are not spoken of. Bla Bla. This is obviously one of the ancillary reasons that I would have loved to be an EMT. It combines heroism and martyrdom.
The night, reader’s digest edition:
Sushi was a disaster. We were stuck the moment E called me instead of L to tell me she was meeting us. Because she said, me and not us, I was then 100% obligated. I gave F the head’s up and he was already leery. The fine taco gentleman to my right clearly stated he was only ordering for 5 of us. The waiter disregarded completely. We were in trouble. RS bitch kept eating all of our food and I couldn’t justify eating one bite. Silent mutiny ensued. Two folks left to set up. Others refused to eat so they wouldn’t have to pay (me and you). I ordered tap water and ended up drinking $55 bottled water. I don’t believe in bottled water at fancy restaurants, it just isn’t prudent. Stress and continual smoke breaks transpired. One AJ shared an entire smoke at one point. Stress was on the rise. I put in $100 for the both of us, which ended up being about $20/bite. Seems reasonable. You asked me why we were doing this. I gave you a short rude answer. I shut you down. That was wrong. I am sure it was because I believed after last time that I couldn’t do anything about it. I failed to recognize that maybe you could have.
Off to the club. We get into the car, L in front of course. As you know, I prefer you there. She is a horrible side seat driver. Why did you go that way, you cannot go that way, turn, don’t turn. Wipers on. Please sit with me. After some driving around nonsense, we finally valet the Pontiac at the club. I am scrambled and had already been told that I was on the list but you two were not. That was all I was thinking when I walked into the door. Well, I didn’t recognize what’s her face standing there and had all of my money ready. I believe at this stage in my life, I can pay the 5 bucks and support the party. It was quite a surprise when she (name please) listed us all. Great, we’re in. Shots. I need a shot, what will it be? L: Jamison. So LA style, the guy asks us if we want coke backs. Yo, we are pros over here. Mine was so full I had to start drinking it before I picked it up. Got a beer to go with it and headed off to find friends. The first thing I saw was F posting up downstairs in the patio. We head. We talk for a while and I mention drugs. I didn’t want drugs, but what the heck. F had just procured some and handed it to me. I asked him what it was: ÇØ´. F cannot do Í∏´´Î he has a deviated septum. I feel obligated now and grab L’s keys and head to the bathroom. I take one look at what I have and realize it isn’t enough to share, put a little on a key and sniff it. I later told F I hadn’t done any, and essentially, for me, I hadn’t. Still a lie, but whatever. Never touched it again that night.
Tacos. We are starving. We head over to pinches tacos. You and I are same paging it again. Señor dude tells us what are his best tacos and (this was presumptuous) I ordered one of each of the two that sounded best for us. You nose pointed, so I figured it was ok, but I should have asked you. Maybe not, maybe it is nice for someone to just get you something that he thinks you will enjoy. You tell me. These tacos curled my toes and my mouth rejoiced in it’s own splendor. You had the brilliant idea of brining back the same to F. Unfortunately, it was too late, for reasons unknown. Still was the right move. You ended up saving a life with one taco, if not two. I picked up some Rick Springfield flyers. He was playing with the sounds of Uganda. Seems like a natural pair to me. More drinking and smoking and trash talking ensue. S’s friend calls me from within the club. I go and get a drink. On my way back, I recognize her. We chat for a while and she wants to go smoke. OK. We talk a bit more and I meet S’s best friend’s ex girlfriend. That was interesting. At this point, the are closing the patio. We split and head for our friends. By now, F is on and starting to rock it. F and I have this long standing thing. I have often been his muse for a set djing and we talked about that today. He was happy to have that synergy again that we shared so many nights before. My eyes were closed and I was rocking the floor hard. By now I am in a world of drunk. I am getting scotch’s and beers handed to me from all over the place. I cannot follow it anymore. I have to use the bathroom. The bathroom line is ridiculous and I pull a move that is seldom seen by anyone else. This is usually reserved for pretty girls and vip’s. I go to the back door and talk to the security guard. I tell him I really need to go and the bathroom line upstairs is prohibitively long. I promise him I am just going to use the bathroom and I won’t make any noise. Quite surprisingly, he let’s me through. As I walk down the steps, I hear his coworker ask him why he did that and he responded, he said he would be quite; he needs to use the bathroom. I quite clearly jedi mind tricked him.
Now we are really grooving on the floor. I am pogoing and screaming at the top of my lungs for F. You and I have now found a really good groove and are shaking our asses off. I go to get you a glass of water or something and a beer and to close my tab. When I return, we are there for about 36 seconds before I see the conflict. I bust through, without any thought. The guy starts yelling at me. I do not respond to any of that. I ask him: What are you here for? Are you here to have fun or to get in a fight with a chick? To have fun, of course. I shove L off of my back and tell him very directly that nothing good is going to come out of getting in a fight with a woman at a club and he should just move on. He did.
F’s set ended. I screamed one more a few times for old time’s sake. And we begin to get escorted out the door. F asks the woman he is with if I can come over. She says of course and tells me where to go. I go to gather you too. You both refuse. I call you both broken down old bitches and get the car. We start of for home. F is beside herself. I try and show how ridiculous it is to be so upset by popping the windshield a few times. We are now making a left off of Hollywood blvd. A short, well dressed man carrying a phone in his right hand had started to cross the street with intention, but the light was red for him. I was trying to go left. I took one look and it flashed on me. I rolled down the window and yelled “Get the fuck out of my way JEREMY PIVEN!” He did, he ran back to the curb.
We moved on. I again tried to get t focused on something else. I hit the windshield again. Urged her to try it. She did. I did it again and CRACK. Oh fuck, I fucking broke the windshield with my fist. She felt challenged at this point and hit it as hard as she could and put another crack in the thing. I look back at you and all I see is a pile with my jacket on top giggling and jiggling. It was so precious. Made the whole ordeal worth it. I lock up the tires entering the freeway and we ride back home fairly serenely, considering the music volume. I park the car and the both of you ask me where we are. We are 3 buildings from F’s place. I decide it is time to go topless. Yikes.

Difficult to detect and very subtle,
the mind seizes whatever it wants;
so let a wise one guard one's mind,
for a guarded mind brings happiness.

the waiter story

2009-03-10T19:03:00.000-07:00

I was waiting tables at a second rate seafood restaurant when I was 18 years old. I had just dropped out of college again (third time already) and moved home from San Diego.
That dick of a manager scheduled me to close again. I looked at my schedule as I strolled around the back of the house, trying not to be noticed. Scotty and Lance had headed over the hill hours ago. The swell was epic yesterday and today held the same promise. I was still a bit blunted from our morning sesh, but nothing out of hand like that time I tried to wait tables on acid. The lunch crowd was typical for a Tuesday. A bunch of blue hairs wanting their stupid soup and salad or $5.99 what the fuck is that? fish special. Vern had 2 tables. She was her usual, nasty self and Rod seemed like he was still drunk and probably was. I didn’t see him even take one table. I spent most of that afternoon in the back, chatting with Carlos in spanish, and doing side work. The usual shit: fold the napkins, fill the sugar caddies, truly mindless. Big Steve (he actually called himself that and insisted we did too) decided that today was get on Josh’s ass day.
“Hey, josh, I am going to count those rolls. There better be 30 this time.”
“Got it.”
“Got it what?”
“Got it, big Steve.”
“I am going to count them.”
“I know you will big Steve.”
My middle finger was flying for no one to see. But that was nothing new. This man was at least 40 lbs over weight and 4 inches too short. He didn’t seem to own a comb or any pants that were not made from polyester.
There hasn’t been more than one table at a time for an hour and a half. Rod was long gone and Vern and I were trading as little small talk as possible. Vern was at least 15 years my senior and a lifer. She had the die job that matched the life she has led. Boring, cheap and mediocre. There wasn’t any money to be made at the table and was scheming to get the hell out of there. I had to take my shot.
“So, Vern, you think there’s going to be a late rush?”
Slanted look “What?” This was not a request to repeat myself. “I’m not closing for you again, Josh. I have plans.”
“Come on.” That was the best I had. I was no match for an old pro like Vern. Whatever favor she had ever done for me was not for me.
“Tony is coming up from Fresno and we are going to Daily’s tonight. I need to get pretty.”
I doubted that was possible but she didn’t. I had just gotten back in to town and was basically broke. I was staying with my mom and dad while I figured out what the hell I was doing with my life. I wasn’t concerned with my life, just that afternoon. I had just run into a girl I had a crush on a few years back and actually believed that if I could get out of here, I could get into there. (I couldn’t) I wasn’t about to let big Steve have his day. My mind raced. Here are the possibilities, I told myself. It is Tuesday and I have had 3 tables all day. It is quite possible that if I do what BS wants and get all of my side work done, we just might close early. It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen. I guess there was just one possibility to me. I went in the back to piss and when I returned, Vern had split. It seemed that BS decided that her services were no longer needed. I guess it made sense. Neither of us had had a new table in a half hour and her last one had just left.
“So, Big Steve, how are we lookin?”
“Side work done?”
“Yup.”
“I’m going to count it Josh.”
“Yup, so how’re we lookin?”
“Give it 15 more minutes.”
It was a quarter to 2 when IT happened. They all came at once. Four two tops, a three top and two four tops. I had seven tables all seated at the same time. I have never even had more than 5 tables at once before. I have to admit I was a terrible waiter. I never did get the rhythm of it and had too much punk in me to serve people. I have always worked in the back of the house but took a shot at the front for the money. Too bad I sucked at it so bad. I had once told a customer to go home and make himself because I was too stoned or indifferent to remember all of his special requests, but that is a story for another time.
I go in. Hi, my name is Josh and I will be your server today. Can I start you off with something to drink?
Water. Water.
I will be right back with your waters.
Hi, my name is Josh and I will be your server today. Can I start you off with something to drink?
Diet coke, no iced tea, diet coke, wait yes, diet coke. Coke please.
I get the first two tables their drinks and head to the third.
Hi, my name is Josh and I will be your server today. Can I start you off with something to drink?
Coke. Iced tea. Iced tea.
I cover the rest of the tables with drinks and get back to table one for food orders.
We have been waiting for 10 minutes for you to come back.
I am sorry. What can I get you?
This is the moment that I realize that I am not going to make it. I dutifully write down their orders and move on. Table after table. After I take down the last order I look down at my notepad to check over my notes. Well what do you know? There isn’t a single thing written there. I grin a bit and head for the door. I often wonder what those patrons were thinking as they saw me stroll by their window waving.

Smorgasboard

2009-02-26T22:00:00.000-08:00

ok, I have a lot to cover today. First, my heartfelt condolences go out to my dear friend and his family in this time of crisis and solace.
I realized this about myself today. I am in essence a silly person, not to be taken seriously. This doesn't mean that I cannot be serious or have no serious thoughts, rather that silliness suites me best. This may also be my desire to keep life simple. Silly is much more simple than serious.
I have been reading "What I Talk About When I Talk About Running" by Haruki Murakami this week. It is a fantastic series of essays which Murakami describes his life as a runner and how it relates to his career as a writer. Intertwined in the tales of training and and running are excellent observations and life lessons, especially relating to aging. I have gained much perspective from this week's reading and appreciate it.
I haven't felt lonely much this week. It has started me wondering if I am actually capable of sharing my life in any significant way any time soon. I went through this long period of believing that I was afraid to try to because of the spectacular failure of my last relationship. This still may be true, but it is not what is in the forefront right now. No, I just don't think I am interested or willing right now. I am having some great relationships with friends right now. I am able to be available to them and can really solidify those relationships. I have just moved to a new (again) city and am adjusting to that. I really like the cruise I am on. I guess I miss the intimacy of a partner, but not the commitment. I believe that I am being as intimate as I want to be and am connected to a new community.
My move: Holly shit, my place is fucked up right now. I have a very small place and it is full of things that I am not sure where they came from or what they are. Luckily I am in a neighborhood that I can just place them outside and the wonderful SF fairies will come and sweep them away for me. I have to remain diligent in getting this place in order. I am going to have visitors much more often then I did in LG and welcome that, but that means it has to be inviting. In the end, I know I will get there because I have passion for this place and really want it to work. I have to remember to take it one step at a time and it will get there. Don't tell anyone yet, but I am thinking of taking a few days off next week to really get things together. It really is a cute place with lots of potential, but I have to make some adjustments here and there to get it right. Also, I have no working fridge and need to acquire a microwave.
I have to accept that I am not always as smart as I think I am. This is not me getting down on myself, rather, an acceptance that, for the most part, I am an average human being. There are things I am smarter than others about, and there are things that I am not. This is important to known and will server me well.
Murukami made some interesting points regarding writing that involved practicing daily in order to build stamina. I have not been doing that for myself and he has inspired me to begin to practice. Even if I don't have much to write about, just the act of sitting and writing for at least an hour a day will get me into a good habit/pattern for success.
Back to the beginning. This is all about my nothing and my nothing right now isn't where I am going to live, or where I work. No, it is my social life. Lately it has been quite rich and I am so lucky to have it, but... What? Ok, I guess, just like everything else, I will know what to do when I need to know. Right now I don't need to know anything because I don't have to do anything.
Tattoo: I have been mulling over a new tattoo for some time now. First, I had been considering continuing the story on my left arm around to my right. Then I was considering diving right into my back. My friend suggested, in passing, maybe I should consider a leg. At the time I dismissed it and said, legs don't hurt enough. But, of course, I thought about it later and now think that is probably a good idea. I kinda resent her for this. I am an instigator, she is an instegator. It is not good to have two in the same room, especially two that trust each other so much. She has a way of planting seeds just so. I know that I am fertile soil, but somehow she has a knack with me. First it was coffee, then beer (I have been a beer drinker for very short periods of times in my life and will see how long this one lasts) and now the leg thing. I can basically sleeve my right calf around my first tattoo and that would be a good place to start my new project. The point there is to start my new theme someplace that isn't such prime real estate. (I'm not telling what my theme is right now.) Now I need to find someone to work with. I know I will soon. I have only been in the city for a week now and have already made some fantastic connections.
Now I guess I should get a little raw and serious. I had an anxiety riddled week last week. It was full of excruciating pain and despair. I filled myself with drink and passed out. I woke up several times in cold sweats and panic. There were many times that I wished I no longer had to endure such crushing pain. But I made it.

Let no one deceive another
or despise anyone anywhere,
or through anger or irritation
wish for another to suffer.

luck

2009-02-21T17:22:00.001-08:00

Heard this today: It's bad luck for someone else to close a knife you have opened. Also heard this: There is no such thing as bad luck, just bad choices. It is generally known to those that believe in luck that this one is important. There are a lot of superstitions revolving around knives and everyone seems to know a few. Knives aren't the point. I am not even sure that luck is the point. Let's find out.

The journey is long and full of obstacles. The path is windy, wrong turns, dead ends. This is what your luck is. Forget the things you think could have done better or different. You could only have done what you did and that is it.

What the hell is it that I am getting at? Again, I suppose patience is in order. I know there is something in here, I know it, but it isn't coming as easy as it does some times. Trust this, it has been one hell of a week and I am tired and disoriented. I alternate between what the hell did I just do and WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST DO. Oh, wait, ok, go.

I guess this is going to be one of those useless posts that make no sense and serve no purpose.

Such bad luck.

We'll see.

meaningless

2009-02-10T02:53:00.000-08:00

I am completely meaningless. But that is ok, so are you. I am so flustered right now that I cannot even get my mind to quiet for 5 straight minutes. It is frustrating and frightening. I have some good friends, but no best friend. I cannot trust any one person with everything. It sucks. I suppose that is how it is for most people, but I don’t know. ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ I don’t think it a secret and I don’t think there is anything that I am supposed to do about it. Rather, I am not going to do anything about it and now realize it. I read someone else’s blog the other day and he mentioned that he had a “severe crush” on one of his friends and that he believed that she knew it. I wonder if she does; I think she does. Hey, if you are reading this now. Don’t assume anything. I can keep a good secret and ■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■.
If this ever gets put out, I am in some big trouble.
Will I ever have a real kiss again? I don’t think I won’t but I sure do miss it. Read this today on Facebook: I kissed a girl today and I liked it. I know exactly what he was saying. Rather, what he said triggered something inside me very deeply. I want that again. I want my lips to touch another’s. I do miss that so. The moment when the softness begins to pressure and energy begins to flow. Magical. This kiss is called a lover’s kiss. This is not a luster’s kiss or a mother’s kiss. No, there is something quite different about this one. All the earth’s power crosses between you. One breath chases another and you are lost. Whirling colors, spark. The one you have formed rises and spirals over you. Nothing matters for you are not there. For that moment, time is transcended. Perfected.
I am not OK.
I neglected to get anything to eat before I got on this plane and had no cash on me. I somehow scrounged 6 bucks in change out of my suitcase. That seems like a lot to me, but it was there. I bought a “right bite” snack box. It had a can of bumblebee lemon tuna in it among other things. I got some of on my finger and when I went to take a sip of my fine airline coffee, I got a whiff of my fingers and smelled it. It didn’t remind me of tuna at all. My fingers smelled like they sometimes do after playing with pussy for a while. I know that is very fucking crude of me to say but I believe that it is about time I cut loose a bit in my writing if I am ever going to make anything of it. I found it funny anyway. And it did smell like pussy.
I need a spark. I need a minor miracle to happen. I need something great to happen to me for no reason. I need some dumb luck.
Back to that other thing. ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ or do anything about it because I simply don’t want anything to come of it. After all this whining that may sound completely untrue. Well, it isn’t completely untrue, but it may not be completely true either. Here is the thing: I was in love with Claire from the moment I saw her. I laid in the brush till I couldn’t anymore and then ■■■■■ her with everything I had. I realize now that I could have or should have been more aware of what was going on with her and less concerned with what I wanted. I feel that ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■. I never want to be divorced again. I realize that this is a ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ but I guess that is how I am thinking now. Oh, I also know this is not fair to anyone else and is strangely paradoxical. Again, I am only considering myself, but this time in another direction. I have decided ■■■■■■■■■■ so I don’t end up how I did last time. I am doing the same thing by trying not to do the same thing. How fucked up is that?
I am going to ask for help and don’t care about the repercussions.
I am moving to San Francisco in 19 days and have no place to move to. I am going to see a flat tonight when I get home. I am quite trepidatious regarding this place. It is a shared space and I won’t decide before I see it, but it seems like a stretch to think that it will be a comfortable place for Eva. I really want to find a place that is hers and mine in the city; that is right for both of us. I think it will be great. I am really exited for us to move there and begin our city life. It is important to be cautious when choosing a place and get it right. I think I should take more time rather than get the wrong place. This means ultimately if I don’t find the right place by March 1, it will be better than taking the wrong one by then. I also know that I am simply not home that often. I want a rad SF pad that fits us properly and we can hang at and with for a while but I have a hard time paying an exorbitant fee just to have an address that I rarely occupy. I realize this is a tough order to fill. I have to have a place that is awesome for Eva but not too expensive as to feel like a waste.
I cannot pretend to be anyone other than who I am because even when I am pretending, I am still who I am.
I have four more hours on this flight and only 2 more hours of battery life. I have headphones on right now and am listening to music. I kinda forgot that there were other people around and ripped a pretty loud fart just now. And I didn’t care.
♫ I know that you’re dying.
I know that it’s true.
I know that there’s seven thousand things you rather be and rather do,
and I know that you fuck what you love and you love what you fuck. ♫
Later.
If you want to know what used to be where the boxes are, you have to ask me personally. I don’t have any real reason to publish those parts. Call me the FBI or chicken if you like. I know it is the right decision for now but that doesn’t mean I would mind if some people read it. But in the same vein, just because you ask, that doesn’t mean you are in either. I will not let anyone be hurt by this writing including me, so please understand, I would let you if I could, but if I say no, this is why.
I have 3 hours left on this flight and still have 2 hours of battery power left. I took a reading break.
I am jetting forward pretty well today. I had some serious stagnation going on for about 2 weeks. I believe that the motivation is returning and the lull was me accepting the inevitable and obvious truth put before me. The truth can be a vicious bitch sometimes. I think what I wrote about this morning feeling like I had awoken from a really long dream and felt disoriented. Today was tough and confusing, but I made it and am feeling pretty healthy right now. We will see.
I don’t care what Rick says, I like the coffee on airplanes. I think it has something to do with liking to get all scrambled onboard and writing things like this.
When will it end? Now.
At death a person abandons
what one construes as mine.
Realizing this, the wise
shouldn't incline
to be devoted to mine.

it's free

2009-02-03T18:26:00.001-08:00

esteem

2009-02-01T22:16:00.000-08:00

I am having a self esteem problem right now. I am finding a hard time naming one person besides Eva who would miss me if I wasn't around. I am feeling that I am being out-josh'd all over the place. Don't cry for me. I am just trying to get down how I am feeling right now. I want so badly for my power to come back. To feel strong again. All I feel is apathy. I am not sure what I am good at or for. I continue to try and make myself available for favors so I can have a sense of purpose. I need to find a way to just like myself and be happy with who I am and desist impressing folks with this and that. If I am going to be on my own (and it sure seems like that is how it is going to be for me) I have to find a peaceful existence there. What do I do to make this happen. I know I need to go back to retreat and get my head straight for one. After that, I believe that I need to come out with some of the other things. Everyone has a closet, the gays have just monopolized the term. Trust me. There may be skeletons, secrets or some feelings hidden in there. What do you do when you are having such a good time that...
I move in a month. To where? Yea, I will let you know. Special thanks to the guide this weekend, that edge of fear I was feeling was dulled by your hand holding. I owe ya one.
Oh, one manipulator, manipulated against my manipulation and I end up with some egg on my face. Such is life in a manipulators breath. You play the cards you have. Sometimes, others have better cards than you. Time to fold them. Anyway, some may say such bad fortune. I say: We shall see.

Overcome the angry by non-anger;
overcome the wicked by goodness;
overcome the miser by generosity;
overcome the liar by truth.

just a touch

2009-01-26T20:30:00.001-08:00

I was already feeling pretty good today. I had a normal (no planes) work day today, got my hat handed to me in scrabble, went grocery shopping with Eva. We had a nice dinner together. I gave her a bath and she went to bed like a dream (yeah). I was kindly reminded of my sensitive nature, and didn't feel ashamed.
I spend about 1/2 my waking life on the internet, so it comes to no one's surprise that I checked in to FB after Eva went to sleep. I found something waiting for me that I would have never expected. A reminder. Roots. Connections. Just about the damned sweetest thing anyone has done for me in a long time. So, for that, and so many other things you are:
thank you so very much.

b,s,w,d

2009-01-25T20:09:00.001-08:00

Pretty much sums it up.

selfish ass

2009-01-25T17:44:00.001-08:00

I am a selfish ass. I know, save your preaching; I am not fishing here. Anyone that would try to deny that they, themselves are not selfish has other issues. Not the point today. I have realize some new/old things this week. I am barely functioning, lonely and scared and those are the things I am willing to admit.
I have become increasingly reticent to write about this subject due to the real fear it causes others. Let me put it to you as straight. This is where the rough edges come in handy: If I am going to do it, there is nothing you or anyone else can do to stop me. I am alone way too much and have no fear. So, let me be clear, just because I am writing about stuff, doesn't mean I am doing stuff. Take it for what it is or don't read here. I enjoy exploring these ideas and am not going to stop. This is just my warning statement. I will not repeat this message, so please don't bother worrying about me. It won't do you or me any good.

silly sunday

2009-01-18T07:51:00.001-08:00

silly sunday

yip yip yip yip

2009-01-16T19:27:00.001-08:00

yip yip yip yip

the burrito incident

2009-01-16T10:22:00.001-08:00

Claire and I were in Berkeley for some shopping and general browsing. We did our usual stroll and shop routine till around noon time and decided it was time to eat. I was cross (as usual) for some reason or another. I was probably over hungry and out of control as I was back then. Claire recognized I needed to get some food in me and we quickly decided on the burrito place that was on the corner.
This was your typical burrito joint. Cafeteria style, you tell them what you want as you walk. We placed our order and began the shuffle. (I wanted to say sashe' but don't know how to spell it). Claire's burrito came out as she ordered it. Normal. Then came mine. The tortilla seemed fine, beans, rice, meat, cheese, salsa, guac, etc. All seemed right to me. The it happened. As my burrito maker attempted to roll this monstrosity, the tortilla split. She proceeded to grab another tortilla and scraped the lot of the other one into this new tortilla. To me this was an incontionable act. I stiffend. I cringed. My eyes begain to redden and a bit of steam crept from my ears. Claire futilly tried to mitigate. I mean what is the big deal, right? Well, it isn't perfect. I didn't say a word but a plan was brewing in my head to get back at this burrito maker for doing such a thing to me. (How dare she?).
Clarie and I took our burritos back to our table. I sat for a solid 3 minutes before I was ready to reveal my plan for revenge. It went something like this:
Ok, Claire this is what I am going to do: I am going to go to the liquor store two doors down, buy a disposable camera, and bring it back. This is what you need to do: You need to have the camera ready to take the shot.
The shot of what? Claire had horror written all over her face. Here we go again. Josh is fucking crazy, but (I love him?).
The shot: I am going to go back to my burrito maker, burrito in hand and throw it in her (yes her) face. I need you to get the shot of it hitting her. I need to have a permanent memory of revenge for her not making my burrito perfect. Seriously.
What happened: After I explained all this to Claire, I set out to get the camera. Somewhere in the liquor store a bit of sense came over me and I calmed down just enough to realize that this was not something I should do. I came back to the burrito joint, sat down until Claire was done eating (she didn't eat much, lost her appetite somehow), and stared at my burrito. When she was done, I took her's and my plates, disposed of them and left.
The quest for perfection can be overwhelming and is not in any way possible in this mortal world. The moment I realized this, (there was no moment, it was a long process) all got easier. I didn't need the perfect burrito anymore. I didn't need plans to go as planed. I didn't need to be so critical.

I may be crazy but I am not mentally ill

2009-01-14T20:53:00.001-08:00

Here it is, in writing. My biggest fear, ever since I was very small, has been that someone will discover that I am crazy and lock me up for it. It is the reason that until recently, I have never let anyone read what I write. It is the reason I never pursued this dream in any real way. Whether I am good or not isn't for me to judge. Critics and peers can do that. What is up to me is how I feel about my writing. I love to do it and it comes naturally to me. But I digress (another natural talent).
There are two major camps when it comes to the mildly mentally ill. I am talking about the functioning manic depressives out there. I am talking about most of my friends. Those who take antidepressants and those who don't. I famously espouse "There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who put people into one of two categories, and those who don't." So I don't exactly enjoy breaking things down in this way, but this is the line I am drawing. I am not passing judgment on one side or the other.
The group that decides to take the meds have often encouraged me to join them. Some of the folks that fall into this category are ones whom I would have never thought needed or would consider taking these types of meds. I have heard the testimonies. I did listen to you all when you told me how much easier it has been for them to deal with the day to day mundanity. You take one extra breath before striking out. You, just for one second more, consider the other side before reacting. That is great and I am happy for you. I have also seen first hand the difference these drugs can make in a person's life.
I myself have been prescribed antidepressants at least a half a dozen times and have never taken them. I just choose not to. I have them all in a box in a closet, just in case. I personally feel like no matter how low I get, no matter how close I get, it is me. I am still me. I have an intrinsic fear that these meds will take a part of me away. Shit, this just may be me being crazy again, but I am functioning.
I have no problem with either of these sides. Most of the time, I believe responsibilty lies with the individual. For instance, don't blame the lending agencies for doling out subprime loans. Even when I was a first time homebuyer, it was easy for me to see that paying less than you owe each month on your mortgage was a recipie for disaster. Maybe everyone doesn't have my instincts, but everyone had the opportunity to do their due dilligence. Everyone was presented, by law, the same sheet I was presented with which illustrates what could happen if/when interest rates rose. But advertisers advertise for a reason: it works. And there isn't a much bigger advertising and lobying machine than the pharmaseudical industry. And what are their biggest sellers (ok, penis drugs) antidepressants. As I write this, a commercial for abilify, a drug to take in addition to your regular antidepressant flashed across my tv. What? If your antidepressant isn't enough, here is one you can take as an add-on. Yes, an add-on!
Grey, that is what this is. These drugs clearly help people. But, does everyone who takes these drugs need them?

to all my friends

2009-01-13T17:54:00.001-08:00

cryptonym

2009-01-12T19:57:00.001-08:00

It is time to play another round of Josh has something to say without saying it. Had a really big epiphany just now and need to put it down but don't want to really say what it is. I told somebody something the other day and didn't think a thing about it, that is until like 15 minutes ago. I had already explained somewhere how something someone else said to me has swung my whole way of operating toward caution. I have become so fearful of imposition, I refuse to participate in any activity in which I am not 100% sure I am not doing what I was told I used to do all the time. The thing about this that is ridiculous is that in the particular situation, no most situations, there is no such thing as 100% sure. Am I too late to this? Nah, I can only learn as fast as I can learn. Dummy.
What the fuck did I just say. Trust me, it was harder to write than to read. I am saying something and nothing all at once. Try it some time, ain't no peach. Well, fuck you, anyone can read this and I am doing the best I can with this nonsense.
Also in the mind, a new complex over the word also. I am using withal instead. I, for a few days, thought I liked to start as many sentences as I could with also. Then I thought that was a really bad idea. Now: complex. Withal was the worst synonym I could come up with. Not only is it classified as archaic, it doesn't even really take the place of also in most contexts. Perfectly imperfect.
Ah, shit. When someone tells you that you pushed them into one of the biggest life decisions you can make and that was never that person's desire, it can fuck with you. One particular friend has told me time and time again that this simply isn't true. I didn't want to hear it. In fact, I went so far as to make this subject about that other person. It very well may have something to do with them (grammar incorrect to not give it away, as I said cryptonym), but it also has to do with me. In order to move forward, I have to accept that the thing I am talking about simply isn't true. I may be strong willed, but I am not capable of making someone do something like that with out complicity.
It is one thing to be considerate of others, to really try and always consider the wants and needs of others. It is another thing to be so fearful, so concerned of upsetting others that I am wholly unable to make even the most mundane suggestions, if I am not sure (when is this?) this is what the other(s) want. This has to stop. It isn't what I say, it is what I think that matters. If, in my heart, the best intentions lie, then I hath not fear my words.

a story for today

2009-01-11T20:25:00.001-08:00

I am currently at about 17,000 feet and rising. To the right is a particularly stunning sunset just above the pacific. Off I go again to some company and do god knows what for them. I don’t even bother to prep anymore. There hasn’t been anything new since July and I don’t see anything new, just a sunset. I had at one time or another made some promise to myself never to become so bitter or jaded to lose the ability to enjoy a sunset, so I cannot tell if I am looking at it out of duty or not.
I now have two friends who say “I’ll call you back,” when they actually mean “I’ll talk to you later.” One of them, I am suspicious, worked it in. If so, bravo!
Stuff hasn’t come easy lately. I think I overdid the thoughts and desires to do this for real. I got a panicked call regarding my state and gave up (37,000 feet now). Well, not completely yet. Maybe it is a symptom of the general post holiday malaise I have fallen into. Yea, I’m going with that. I have pretty much given up on everything. I know I am usually short on goals and aspirations, but usually come up with something. I think my goal for today is get a good night’s sleep. Not much of a day in between when all you got is “I really want to go to bed tonight.” Yea, it is pretty stupid, but dragging myself from one plane to the next for some bullshit client that could probably do everything I do if they would just read the fucking manual. I guess you could say I am not high on my job right now.
Ok, I have to admit it, I still do love the sunset, I am not faking, can’t keep my eyes off of it.
I had a fantastic day yesterday and am glad that “I’m feeling antisocial.” didn’t mean me. Maybe I should mention the incident with the parking spot here. I really got stuck in my head. This is what I know would have happened if I was by myself. I would have drove off almost immediately with a wave and a smile. But you were there. I got flustered. Am I supposed to act macho here? We were driving around for a while, but I really didn’t care, spots come and go, and it all worked out fine. Anyway, I never should have yelled at that person and have felt bad about it. Not normal behavior.
So, where the hell am I going this time? This is what I think is really getting to me. I am heading to Scottsdale, AZ but that isn’t what’s bothering me. It is the client: A fucking designer of missile guidance systems. Oh, this is killing me inside. I am going to have to pay for this one for sure. I have never so directly, so knowingly aided and abetted a killer before. I may have been a rotten person many times in my life. I have been an insensitive jerk and lashed out at the ones I loved. I have done said and thought terrible things. I cannot help but believe that my actions this coming week will one day lead to someone’s death. Not cool.
Got it? Good.

hey dad

2009-01-08T22:16:00.000-08:00

I saw a picture today that reminded me of my dad. Since I am on the road, I had nothing of his to look at, I googled. There isn't much of my dad on the internet. He died nearly 13 years ago and what was the internet back then? I found a post of his from the 1994 baseball strike with his email address attached to it. I don't know why but I emailed him completely expecting it to bounce right back. It didn't.

I am a sucky blogger right now.

2009-01-07T20:45:00.001-08:00

Don't I ever!

2009-01-03T16:42:00.001-08:00

Ok, Let's lightent up a bit and Let's Dance.
Thanks

the difference

2009-01-02T21:30:00.001-08:00

Lately I have been contemplating the difference between a death wish and suicidal tendencies. Not the difference technically; they are well defined. The question comes with reference to how/when one shifts between the two. Can they be one? Can they co-exist? No. No, they cannot. Suicidal tendencies come when a person has decided that the only option for that person is death and no other solution exists. A death wish is a compulsion of sorts. One puts one self into dangerous situations over and over again to see how close he can come to death and defeat death.
Why is this even here? Lately, in the mornings, I have been finding myself in situations that are more dangerous than necessary and feeling no fear of them. No natural flight or flight in me. Pure adrenalin and clarity. There have been close calls for sure. On Wednesday, I pulled out to closely to an oncoming car and had the back wheel of my bike fly out from under me. I was at about 45° to the side and 25° from center. This is a spot where there really is only about a 35% chance of pulling the bike back up. I did. I motored to the stop light and stopped. Completely calm. The guy whom I cut off drove up and made a cross with his fingers as if to repel me like a vampire. I beckoned him closer but he was clearly not interested in a lengthy discussion. I wanted to tell him about all of this and other things. Maybe I will see him again and we can have some coffee. I decided again to take my bike out in the rain. This is what I had referred to in other times as irresponsible riding. The oil is coming up from the roads and the poor visibility make for treacherous riding. All along, I felt no fear, only peace. Does this mean I have death wish? I don't really think so. It means to me that I am loosening up on the fear. This is always something that I consider a conquest. Not this time. I keep thinking I have an ulterior motive (nefarious and sinister).
The key? Find and extricate that damn idea that is stuck in my mind's car seat. Find the person that can help me achieve this and beg and plead for the help necessary. I have to make a choice. Slowly destroy myself with the status quo and risk nothing or get the damn idea out.
This is a classic struggle for me. If I do nothing, I am only hurting myself (as far as I can tell). If I act on the extraction, there is potential for much more hurt for me and others involved. There is also potential for great reward there. From great risk, comes great reward or great tragedy. I must find the strength to risk much and be prepared to lose all. If not, limbo is where I will stay. Taking much greater risks with myself to avoid harming others.
This, of course is so perverted. The above makes the assumption that no one will be hurt if I am not here and that there is much to be gained by my absence. I tend to believe this, but know how people react when I express this. Anger, disgust, disbelief, sadness, contempt. Clearly, I am not looking at the same variables as these folks. It is do or die time. And, yes, Josh is calling you out. I am calling you out. Don't run away again. The truth as it is will be our guide and our direction. We can and may hide in pleasantries for a long time. No one wants to get involved, but we are already involved, you see. We are already involved. That is the one truth. So what do we do now?

And so it starts.
You switch the engine on.
We set controls for the heart of the sun,
one of the ways we show our age.

Curse me out in free verse
Wrap me up and reverse this
Patience is a virtue
Until it's silence burns you

Come along Fool
A direct hit of the senses you are disconnected
It’s not that it’s bad…it’s not that it’s death
It’s just that it is on the tip of your tongue, and you're so silent

stuck under the car seat

2009-01-02T18:37:00.001-08:00

I have a thought that is stuck between the cushion and the center console of my mind. I have tried to get it out of there several times. This is the routine: I shove your hand down there as far as it will go only to feel nothing. Get out of the car, knees on the ground, head under the steering wheel. Don't even see it. Where is that flashlight? Go around back, get the flashlight. Back to the knees and head. Ok, now I see the damn idea, but this isn't the right angle. Take a mental snapshot and go back to the hand contortion. This time I have my hand all the way down again and am referring to the snapshot. I am looking up with my eyes closed and following the virtual map. Ok, I know I am close this time but if going to cause damage if I shove my hand in any further. I quickly think about using a tool but dismiss it for now. I am willing to accept a bit of damage. After all this is an important idea for me and need to get it out from there. Here we go. I feel the first knuckle split on an edge of plastic from the console. No turning back now. I am all in. (At least that is what I am telling myself). I still don't feel the idea anywhere, just some dull burning. This is as far as I can get downward and must have miscalculated the location I pinpointed on my map. Lateral movements in this situation are where the real damage come. Needs to be done. There is no careful way to do this so I just go about it. I queeze a bit more depth while moving slightly backward. I feel two things. One is almost certainly the jagged edge of a seat spring lodging itself under the cuticle of my ring finger. I barely feel it; I know I am close. The other is the idea. I am finally touching the idea that has been lodged so deep and unattainable. I make my move. Breath in, eyes closed, lips pursed, and go.
I flail and shove it deeper into the crevasse.
This has been going on since December first. I could tell you the time and the place too, but that is just not important. I have tried more than just the knuckle breaker. I have tried the coat hanger, the seat back and forth, the hill, the shaker, the push and pull. You get the idea. There have been times I believed that the idea should just stay where it is. There have been times I wanted it to just go away. It's just not going to happen.
I had just been sitting silently frightened to even write what I think might be necessary. I think I may need some help.
If you are reading this and saying to yourself "I wanna help, but how?" Forget it. Unfortunately for us, that eliminates you. Unfortunately for me, I can say no more.
This idea has it's enemies and detractors as all ideas worth their salt do. Most of the time, these can be disregarded and will be as long as possible. If you are reading this and know what I am talking about, please throw me a bone, drop me a line, other cliche here. Please use your more dexterous hands, reach into my brain and help me get that idea unstuck. I really need it to be.

Thanks Alice and Steve for hosting a wonderful NYE party. See you guys soon.

Irrigators regulate the rivers;
fletchers straighten the arrow shaft;
carpenters shape the wood;
the wise control themselves.

happy new year friends

2008-12-31T09:00:00.001-08:00

To all my friends...

birthday post (get while the gettin's good)

2008-12-29T22:24:00.000-08:00

Thank you Jon, Russ, Randall and Steve for the fantastic birthday day and dinner. I really appreciate it, more than I would ever try to express.
I was trying to lead up to this somehow, but I don't have much else. I know what is wrong with me, but I don't. I know I am aged, divorced and have a child. I can see how that can be scary and different than other situations. Fine. But, I am aged and learned, which means I am not doomed to fuck up as much as I used to (aka learn from the many, many mistakes I have made). I am divorced, so fucking what? Who hasn't had a breakup? At least we are cool and still care a great deal for one another and so forth. That is more than I can say for so many of the other break up's I have experienced. I have a child. This is the one that I can see could be troubling. This is the greatest responsibility anyone can take. I took it willingly and wantingly (not a word, birthday poetic license). I am not asking anyone to share the weight, but I can see the other side. Not asking in this situation doesn't mean much. If you hang with me, you are hanging with Eva period. I guess that is asking in a fashion. Ok, those are immutable, everything else is negotiable.
Wow, what a day. I had another great one on the slopes, heard from friends near and far, and had a fantastic dinner. I am now being called down to rejoin the (my?) party. What does the below quote have at all to do with the post? You tell me.

if one going down into a river,
swollen and swiftly flowing,
is carried away by the current --
how can one help others across?

nonsense

2008-12-27T21:18:00.001-08:00

Ok, who knows what the fuck is coming off the fingers now. I know this: I was in the snow today. I am in tahoe city. I am at the bad mother hucker chalet. What else do I know? Not very much. I know that being goofy and in the middle on lifts is not the best. How many sentences can I start with "I". You count pleaes and get back to me. Well, hasn't bloging taken the essence of what Jack Kerouac was trying to acheive and perverted it completely and truely? Case in point: ME. Your friendly neighborhood phony wannabe writer. Better luck next time, ya?

festivus

2008-12-25T14:53:00.001-08:00

My father visited me in my sleep last night for the 3rd time since his death nearly 13 years ago. Those of you who dismiss this statement outright, click away NOW,
Everyone else:
The first time it happened was about 2 years after his death. He chase me through many dreamscapes, desperately trying to get my attention. I was keenly aware of presence but would not acknowledge it. Finally, as morning crept in, he was able to catch up to me enough to grab me by the arm and pull me to face him. He said only one thing: This is not a dream, it is really me.
And I awoke.
The second time was just as things were all falling apart at home less than 2 years ago. Even though it had been 8 or so years since his last visit, I have never forgotten it even in my sleep and was quite receptive to his presence. This time I was ready for a message and he knew it. My dad was not a touchy feely man, almost never prone to sentiment and certainly not one to paint a rosy picture. This time the message was a direction; a dose of clairatly. He said to me: You need to be a better person, you need to try harder.
And I awoke.
The third time was last night, Christmas eve of all nights. I was having particularly vivid dreams last night. Dreams of hope and love. Dreams of peace and prosperity, not for me, but for all. This time was very similar to the first visit with juxtaposition. I knew he was there the whole time. I continued to try to make time in my dream to speak with him, but got distracted. Not in a this is more important than that distracted. Dream priority distracted. I think this was part of the point of the message. It wasn't yet time to deliver it. There were things to observe prior. There were worlds to explore. This time the message was a question; a message of inspiration and beauty. He said to me: Do you still dream?
And I awoke.

Yes, I do. Thanks Dad for the visit.
Thanks for reading friends.
Come dream with me!

licking rocks

2008-12-19T22:07:00.001-08:00

I have a fragile psyche. By this I mean that my sense of self is ever changing, turning. I had a dream when I was a child of about 11 that I was riding a dirt bike around an oval. I was racing and jumping, around and around. My parents were in the stands, but they weren't rooting or cheering. They were asking me a series of rather odd questions. What are you doing? Why are you here? As it turned out, I was sleepwalking and had wondered into my parents room.
The track is my psyche, my parents reality, and the bike is my ride through this mess. On occasion, I wonder into reality and deconstruct. I do not find this to be positive or negative. Today, I had an eruption of reality. Some of my self died today as every day and some new came to life. It was just more painful than usual. I took action and am moving on. What else would I do with myself if I wasn't doing this all the time?
Yea I used some of this earlier today. If you heard it before, consider yourself lucky. A comedian only practices his jokes to his most trusted friends.

today

2008-12-19T21:13:00.001-08:00

things got pretty sour

2008-12-19T19:46:00.001-08:00

Here i was, Friday afternoon before the holiday. I have been working all week even though I was supposed to be on vacation beginning since Wednesday. That never happens anyway, no surprise. Anyone looking for coherency, turn away now, scrambled eggs is all you will find here.
I had a client for Monday that was already leaning to the pleasant side with me. That should have been a fairly simple day.
That would have left plenty of time for the other tasks on the list:

pick up board from shop
go to storage and grab some vinyl
pack container for cabin
go to gym
hang with eva

You know, life. The stuff I am not able to do most of the time.
I then had a pretty cool day planned for Tuesday. I had a client set up in SF which personally assisted in the sale of more of my time (a first for me). I had lunch plans with a couple of friends who are heading back home that day. The it was back to vinyasa. Let me tell ya, this shit is rad. I have been saying for about two years that I just haven't found any workout that gives me the workout I require besides the running, until now.
Well, all that came to a halt right in the middle of a short errand run. I had been told over and over this week: There is no way you are going to Wisconsin. Well, guess what? I'm going to Wisconsin. Yep, I have a 12:30 flight headed straight into the midwest. My only hope now? The weather is too bad for the plane to depart. This is a dangerous wish. The same wish can get me stuck there for a week. What are you gonna do?
Move on, that's what. I am amazed at the focusing power of sudden change. I am also thankful for all the kind thoughts. Even the travel agent assured me that there would be no way I was actually flying out on Sunday. One particularly generous friend even went so far as to guarantee as much and confirm our plans. I really, really hope this is right, but I am not holding my breath. Of course, none of us truly knows the future. Well, not me anyway.

teammates

2008-12-17T19:41:00.001-08:00

This is what we all are. Teammates. At work, home and on the road. Teammates back you up and you do the same for them. That is the point isn't it? I have been thinking quite a bit about my teammates today. In the office I had a someone come up big for me today. I was on the hook for something that I had no way of fixing and no way to control. I was charged with traveling on Sunday to Wisconsin in order to clearly document our lack of responsibility. I and others have been able to prove this 5 separate times and corroborate our results. For a reason that I know but never understand, the customer is completely unwilling to accept responsibility for this issue. This is a very old story among a certain type of customer. Well everything worked ok before you got here so this cannot be our fault and must be yours. Never mind, you have nothing else like what we do in your environment and have never tried this sort of thing before, not your fault. Of course. But I digress (just kidding, I am always digressing). My teammate came up big for me on this and extricated me. I am extremely grateful for this. Now I don't have to yell out in the immortal words of Cheap Trick "Hello Wisconsin" on Sunday night!
I also came up big on a new team today at work. I was able to sell my own services and extra product to a client that is local. I worked with a channel that I usually don't work with in order to complete this process. The ink isn't down but I believe this will happen. And that is work. It is very clear who your teammates are and how to be a good one at work.
Now, what makes a good teammate in the social world? Don't ask me, man; I don't know. I do know this: I am a good one and have a bunch of good ones too. You know who you are. Thanks teammates!

relentless

2008-12-17T12:30:00.001-08:00

Oh, do I have character flaws. What I wouldn't give to be Billy Budd right now. His was kinda big, but at least it was just one. Yea, he was a character not a person, don't get technical. This one, I had always thought of as a positive. There is no such thing as always, you know. Only moments. Right, back to the subject. Relentless is my name, and I am sticking to it. I mean cheese on bread, toasted and buttered, I am not perfect and will not ever be. I can and will do my best. But consciousness is a bitch, ey. I know this is just a thing that I do not a thing that I am. That means that I now have to curb my enthusiasm. I have to try and control myself in another way. I have a new task.
Ok, task accepted, now what? Seriously. It seems that the more I learn, the less possible it all seems. No one said it would be easy or fun. My brain is wild and uncontrolled, but also open. I am willing to learn and try.
I am writing just to write right now and do not think that is the direction I want to go. I am writing to ease some steam. Not such a bad thing. tiring, relenting.

smiles, everyone, smiles

2008-12-17T12:00:00.001-08:00

This is a hard time of year for many of us. We are rushed and forced all over the place. Pressured and prodded, pushed and bullied. The other way to describe it is Christmas in America. Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. And we will teach you how to spend every last cent of discretionary income on useless items. We will pressure you from late August right up to the end and even after the holiday; we just call it a season now. I don't have all that much to say about this besides I have been fortunate enough to avoid this disgust for the last two years and have been reaping the peace. I am not about to tell you don't consume. Just don't expect me to, at least not right now.
To be honest, this confuses me a bit (what doesn't?). I love to consume. I am not attached to stuff (sure) but I like stuff. I like looking at stuff, using stuff, eating stuff. I guess what I don't like about this whole thing is the idea that I am forced to buy something, anything for everybody that I care about and even some that I don't due to social pressures. that is where my issue resides. Fuck what do I know what makes people happy.

barber shop psychology

2008-12-12T17:35:00.001-08:00

so, I wanted to get a haircut today at lunch. Where does a guy with my hair style go to get his hair cut? Barber. I google mapped up the closest barber to the office where I was working. Makes sense, right? Did to me anyway. Place looked like a barber shop on the outside (had a barber poll) and I didn't notice much else about it. I guess it just looked like a regular barber shop. It isn't like there are tons of these around anymore and that is partly why I seek them out. So, I walk in.

Oh, this isn't a barber shop, this is the barber shop. You know the one. I think it was in at least 2 Eddie Murphy movies and countless others. Well, I opened the door, I was going to go in. In fact, seemed kinda cool to me. For those of you who do not frequent barber shops, the custom is to sit and wait your turn, they will get to you when they get to you. So that is what I did. I am not blind, there were 7 of us in the place and I was the only white man. Most were younger then me and dressed as such. It was cold and snowing out so timberland boots, down jackets and beanies were what I would have expected anyone to be wearing. I had a book on my for the wait and started to read it but soon began eavesdropping and observing instead. At least one of the customers had just finished college and one more was well on his way. The conversations were free flowing and sing song but muted.

Then the old timer walked in and court was in session. He proceeded to sit in the middle barber chair and set in on every single individual. Everyone knew everyone else in there (besides me). This was when I was granted permission to participate. After a few muted chuckles at his boisterous descriptions he turned to me and asked: you arabian or somethin'? or just a plain old white boy? Plain old white boy here. Well, you must not be around here, because around here plain old white boys don't come around here. yea, from california. Well around here, we don't mix. Where was this going? I suppose it was up to me, and it was. I simpy said where I am from people's people. (yea I got in the spirit a little bit, so what?)

From there I realized that they were freaked out in a way that I had intruded into their sanctuary. They all had to fit into the white world outside those doors, but in there they didn't have to be anything or anyone. Once I joined the sentiment it was on. I was a full participant in the barber shop banter until my cut was done. Also, while I was getting cut, my barber was asking me computer questions very softly, so no one else could hear what he was asking about. He knew quite a bit and was totally on it

I got to tell ya, that 2 hours I spent there made my week. Before, I had been slaving tirelessly all week, not working less than 15 hours any day.

Once the door is open, don't hesistate, walk in. You never know what you are going to find.

fridays to a business traveler

2008-12-12T06:38:00.000-08:00

TGIF my ass. Fridays are the worst day of the week for a guy like me. I have to get to my client early (7am est today) and leave late, catch a plane back to the west coast just in time to arrive before Saturday starts. I mean, what is at all good about a 21 hour work day? The end, that is what. Oh right, I have been gone all week and may want to catch up with my friends and family or something of that nature. Good luck with that. I woke up at 3am est today due to some glitch in the system. That means that by the time I get home, I will have been up for 24 hours. I am not saying that this will make me go to bed. No, something much worse happens. I tough it out and go somewhere. This never ends well, unless you think Josh making an ass of himself again is well. Tonight is no different. I would like to catch up with a friend in SF tonight. Oh you have an idea for me; why not catch a nap on the plane. Um, have you been on a plane lately? I am not complaining, I have no problem flying, just not a place that you can really catch a good sleep.

Motion detecting bathrooms: All in all this is a good idea. I have seen all kinds of craziness in bathrooms for the sake of automation and sanitation, all with varying degrees of success. I have seen my kid on several occasions look at a toilet in a restaurant that is not automatic with perplexity in her eyes, like what are you waiting for, I'm done, go for it. This, I think, also causes her to forget to flush at home once in a while (another story all together). The shop I am in this week has an over-active soap dispenser. this means I have to maneuver my hand around the damn thing just to rinse the soap off; all the while the damn dispenser continues to spit it's load at me. This is clearly not serving it's purpose. No one notices or cares, I guess.

Whatever. I had a bit of time to kill, so I figured, why not you too.

Just to be clear, don't ever feel sympathy for me regarding these musings. I write them to entertain, pure and simple. I am not in any way discontented by this setup. If I was, I would change it, guaranteed.

Note to self: knock it off with all the disclaimers. If you are going to put it out there, you cannot control how it is received. Don't try. The trying in and of itself is debilitating and counterproductive.

my clone wears a brown shirt

2008-12-11T18:22:00.001-08:00

He doesn't read this and neither should you.

Listen up friends, or don't. Advice is the worst advice you can get. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate it. I know it all comes from a place of love but it just served to confuse me. Also, I know I asked. That is probably precisely the point. If I had more confidence in my instincts, i wouldn't have to ask. I would just do. Thanks anyway, really this is all my fault.

Self fulfilling prophecies, are they real? This discussion can go in many directions. I will choose one (or two) not sure yet. Look for a reason to succeed and you will succeed. Look for a reason to fail, guess what? I was telling my dear friend the other day regarding work: You start looking for a job, and you have already said goodbye to the one you have now. Maybe that is narrow. I feel that once you have decided that your situation is bad enough to look for a new one, the old one has ended. I would spell it out for you but I am not in the mood. You go after something you want or think you want (what is the difference there?). You think you are being positive, cool, whatever. There is something in the back of your head. You know, that thing that says: um dude, you aren't smart enough, you are bald, fat, old, mentally ill, damaged, uneducated, etc. You know deficient. You say to yourself that you aren't listening to that voice, you are bigger than that; but you hear it just fine. Right there you are fucked, right? the grave has been dug and it is just waiting for you to fall into it.

Ah, but wait. There is one weapon against this. Awareness. Recognition. This is how you say FUCK YOU! to that fucking asshole who happens to reside inside your head. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. I am not listening this time. I am not succeeding or failing, I am living. And I am doing the best I can, so you can keep your shit ass opinions to yourself.

This is what I have chosen. no more advice, no bull shit self fulfilling prophecies, just me doing what I do. And doing a pretty fucking good job at it. I know I should watch my mouth but I am fucking pissed, deal or leave.

PEACE yo, to you and me.

When things become manifest
To the ardent meditating brahmin,
All one's doubts then vanish since one understands
Each thing along with its cause.

Special shout out to Marc. Sorry for what is going on with you. But I am most sorry that I have been so self centered to not have noticed. I am thankful to have you as a friend and that you are who you are. Hang tough, you rule and you will pull through.

bits and pieces

2008-12-10T20:27:00.003-08:00

well, I don't have a full idea today, but I have some partials. First thing, I wanted to talk about the passive listening system employed by most men; especially married men. The way this works is kinda like tivo. Your significant other, boss, et al is yapping at ya about how you didn't finish your chores, work, prayers and you are watching the game, star trek, playing video games. Then the inevitable happens. The: Are you listiening to me? Yes. Well, what did I just say? Bingo, this is where the passive system comes in handy. You are able to repeat pretty much verbatum even thougth your consciesness was barely aware there was anyone there. This tecnique is somewhat secretive, so if you women plan on asking about this, you will be flatly dismissed, as far as you are concerned, we are listening with bated breath. This is a time honored tradition passed on from gristly old veterans to young nuptial bucks over beer and bbq, subtly and gradually. I remember the day I was imparted this wisdom for the first time. I was waiting in the car with my dad for my mom to finish up her 45 minute goodbyes. That was when he gave me my first clue as to what the PLS (passive listening system) was all about and how to use it. Go forward, listen, passivly!

I know its strange another way to get to know you
you'll never know unless we go so let me show you
i know its strange another way to get to know you
we've got till noon here comes the moon
so let it show you
show you now

dinners

2008-12-05T21:01:00.000-08:00

I have been having fits and starts lately here without any fruit. I have had 3 unpublished posts this week. I think I have gotten a grip on what is going on. I have so much to say but find it daunting to release it. Because of this, I am not moving forward with the rest. As of now, I am putting the other aside and moving forward with another avenue of thoughts.
Dinners:
I had 3 magnificent dinners this week!
Monday, a friend and I went to a very nice establishment in San Francisco. Thanks much to Ms. Guido for her fine suggestion. The food was terrific and all, but I didn't eat much. Rather I enjoyed 3 hours of fantastic exploratory surgery.
Wednesday, Hollywood baby. I, and my three dates (yea, that's right, three) went to a fabulous hollywood shi shi sushi place. Paparazzi were stationed outside and celebs in. We saw a Mr. Zack Braff. One of my dates left me to chase him into the bathroom, just for a looksee. I wish I had remembered that my bro's wife went to college with him and I had already been told if I ran into him to say hello because they used to hang. Oh well, next time.
Friday, dinner with my daughter at the homestead. Yea, that doesn't sound nearly as glamourous or exciting as the other two, but it was indeed just as special. I miss that little one when I am out of town. I especially did this week following the terrific week of travel we had the week prior.
All for now. Just checking in.

Those who mistake the unessential to be essential
and the essential to be unessential,
dwelling in wrong thoughts,
never arrive at the essential.

restraint (special effects pt 2)

2008-11-30T22:21:00.000-08:00

yea, that last post sucked. I just re-read it and realized I am not interested in rehashing what went on last week. I will, in time tell some of the stories, but I haven't processed it all yet.
I had a wonderful talk with an old friend this evening. Boy was that nice.
I got another call from a different old friend who provided perspective and one of those such sought after ah-ha moments. It was wonderful and frightening, but also actionable, serious upside when that happens. What is the point of an ah-ha moment that is past due.
the circle of phone wisdom completed itself with a practical application of my realization.
Some time ago I realized that I had no community. Wrong. I have no local community, but I have a fantastic network. We are far apart in distance, but close as hell in heart. Thanks.
I got some interesting comments about what I write here, freaked me out. Wanted to quit. This may sound weird, if you read this and like it, keep it to yourself. I mean that in the nicest way, but this is really hard for me to do and it makes it harder to know someone actually reads this crap. I can go on and on about this...past is past.
I have had some very uneven behavior lately, but I think, somehow things are changing for the better. I have found a core problem and have been facing it all day. I am not comfortable explaining it all here until I explain it to the person that is most owed the explanation.
Brain is in knots again over my perspective move to San Francisco. I believe in the depths of my soul that I need this for me, but am not sure what I am asking Eva to do is in any way reasonable. Ultimately, she will be fine but if I didn't consider her at every step, what kind of father would I be?
I have so much to say all of a sudden. unfortunately duty calls. More to come...

Good is restraint in the body; good is restraint in speech;
good is restraint in thought. Restraint everywhere is good.
The monk restrained in every way
is freed from all suffering.

special effects pt1

2008-11-30T18:46:00.000-08:00

Well, I have been hesitant to write lately. My thoughts have been muddy and obtuse, but something needs to be said about this last week. Lucky for me this is a blog, my blog.

Housekeeping:
Thanksgiving was fantastic. Eva was a champion traveler. The only time she scared me was when she told me she no longer wanted to live in San Francisco. Total false alarm. And I quote: Daddy, I don't want to move in San Francisco anymore (I turn pail and hold my breath) I want to move to New York (breath comes out and huge smile crosses my face). Eva rules so hard. Amanda's (my brother's wife) family were so gracious and welcoming. As always New York treated me well.

The Reunion:
I am sure I am going to miss something but I am going to take a shot. First things first. Oh my, it was wonderful to see all those smiling faces in one place. Thanks all that made this happen.
I have to admit that it was nice to be a big shot at a club again for one night. I will never say I miss it, and know I don't, but for one night, it was fun.

My brain:
This is the hard part. Most of what I have thougth about I am terrified to write. In fact, I am not sure it will happen right now. I think I will post this as is and continue the brain part when my fear subsides.

back to nothing

2008-11-18T19:19:00.000-08:00

with nothing is how I came in a that is how I return. I have no fear of this. Tomorrow is what I fear. Who will I disappoint next. How will I sabotage another great thing in my life. How much pain will I inflict with my callous heart?

I imagined myself a righteous person. I thought that I had been considerate and kind. I have been considerate and kind to exactly one person, ME. That is not good enough. Who do I think I am today? I cannot answer it, and don't expect you to. All I know is that I have been laying the tracks of manipulation and misdeed. I have caused trust to turn sour without concern for the shelf life. I have turned my back on those that I can truly help so I can see the ones who's help is not needed but much more gratifying.

All along singing my praises to anyone who would listen, and often to those who had no choice. My poor family.

Churn churn churn.

I could say today is the day of awakening, but there have been others. I do not awaken; I stir and slumber. There are glimpses, but no insight. I climb, I fall. pattern repeated. time marches on.

Wait, I see something; something really good; Oh yea, this is not deserved. Destroy it I must. It will be destroyed anyway. Maybe there is mercy in recognizing and sparing, but I doubt it. The abandonment of logic is painful enough. Change comes slowly, so slowly...

And all the donuts have

Names that sound like prostitutes

And the moon's teeth marks are

On the sky like a tarp thrown over all this

what is really happening

2008-11-07T17:55:00.001-08:00

Here I was thinking that the election was important. Silly me.

what now?

2008-11-07T11:49:00.000-08:00

I spent a lot of energy lately on our country's fine election. Obviously that has passed. It has left me with a bit of emptiness. For a few days, I have been wondering what the empty feeling is all about. I get it. Back to limboland. I am cool with that. Patience is a weakness of mine and now is a good time to work on that.

inspiration

2008-11-05T04:20:00.001-08:00

change has come to America. I couldn't be happier for and prouder for us as a nation. Even three months ago, I doubted this possible. Then the unimaginable happened: our economy collapsed. This opened the door to a new way of thinking about this election and our past 8 years. It had become a time for a change for almost everyone. The impossible became possible. You all got off your butts and decided to do something about it. Thank you.
California, I am not so proud of. Although it is not final yet, it sure looks like a little more than 1/2 of us decided to add bigotry into our constitution. This is shameful and wrong. I will not give up, I will not surrender to hatred and this will not go away. Please, those of you who began this fight, do not view this as a loss. It is not over, just delayed. We shall overcome, we shall prevail, we will be free, each and everyone of us, to share in the same rights as every other American! Thank you again, those of you who took this fight to the streets and to your homes. Your effort was not waisted. Go forth and forward!
Josh's drunken election night:
Ok, I set out to have a nice calm night. Took the dc metro over to Virginia, where my boss was staying. We haven't spent all that much time together in the last year. I hold a huge amount of admiration and respect for this man. He truly cares about me and the work we do together. We had a very nice dinner, Thanks Steve.
I could have gone home then, but being in DC, I wanted to go and experience the election results up on the hill, so off I went. I went to an area called Morgan/Adams. There were a lot of bars up there with various young politicos. There were muted celebrations. I saw some interesting things. The most interesting thing I saw was that the politicos were somewhat subdued. Readying whatever angle they needed to prepare for the next for years. Always working, I guess. My celebration didn't really start till I arrived back at my hotel.
First I called all my close friends and family. Thanked them and told them I loved them. Watched the speech below. Got inspired. Started down my address book and called everyone in there. I told them I loved them (I do), and celebrated with each and every one of them on the phone till I passed out (I got to d). Thank you all for sharing with me during that special moment in time. Let's move forward with hope and dreams. Love and happiness. We can and did make a difference. I hope everyone realizes what they have done for their country and remembers to keep doing it. Power to the people. Love, peace and hair grease.

Arise! Do not be heedless!
Lead a righteous life.
The righteous live happily
both in this world and the next.

Ok, maybe I am a bit stir crazy~~~~~~

2008-10-30T21:35:00.001-07:00

Someone asked me today "are you getting restless?" I answered no right away, No. Well those right away answers may sometimes be right, but, and I know this is so unlike me, I thought about it a little more. that question was right on, but I didn't even realize it. I am not restless with my job. I am restless with my living situation. I am sick of living out here secluded from my life; secluded from my office; secluded from my aspirations. I have 6 am meetings almost every morning. By the time I am done with those meetings, I am basically stuck here. I can not or, will not, at that point get up and drive/train to my office in SF. So I am stuck in this hole of an apartment for the rest of the day's work. It sucks to work here.

And that isn't even really the point. I have made a decision to move somewhere else. I am biding time. I am seldom good at that particular venture. Decision has been made, time to go.

I am restless because I am sick of living here and am ready to move on.

Ok, now that I have realized that, I can assimilate with it and make it a livable situation. It is no longer a creature lurking behind me that others can see, but I just couldn't catch a glimps. I got you now!

good are friends when need arises;
good is contentment with just what one has;
good is merit when life is at an end,
and good is the abandoning of all suffering.

too tired to write

2008-10-30T20:20:00.001-07:00

I got nothing. Hope today found everyone warm, well and happy.

almost there.

2008-10-29T19:10:00.000-07:00
jean michel
hello?
is this the suicide hot line?
Yes
my name is joe, what's yours?
jean michel
jean michel, what's that french?
Haitian...I'm gonna, I'm gona blow my brains out
wait a minute talk to me
no I'm going to take these pills
what kind of pills?
reds blues greens, whole fuckin rainbow trustee's harassin me
are you in prison?
no, city's killing me
Tell me about it, your talking to the right guy. How's it killing you?
boyfriend left.
I've been there; do you love him?
not specially, I'm alone; we all are here; respect fools get, disrespect i get
I have respect for you just for makin this call; this is not an easy call to make
you won't be so arrogant when the police arrive
you ok? what's that noise?
It's my mother...

Heavy sigh for all of you out there. There is peace, one way or another. This has been etched in my head for so long now. It is a reminder of what might have been. What might have happened. No matter how close you get, you are not there. Don't be there. Get help.

I am aggravating

2008-10-28T14:37:00.000-07:00
To those of you who know me, this is no surprise. I live my life in controlled chaos. I am ok with that; no, I enjoy it. Lately this truth has been especially acutely difficult with some. Let me say first of all: I am truly sorry, I mean no harm, I am trying my best to mitigate this for those it effects.

That being said. there are a few things I know I am particularly exceptional at. One of those things is living in this chaos. It doesn't phase me. I actually think I enjoy it. This is the life I chose to lead. I am not sure I ever wanted to be certain of what tomorrow will bring, where I will be or who will be there. I do my best to live moment to moment.

Well, that doesn't work out too well when others are not on that path with you.

I will do everything in my power to make this as comfortable as possible for those people, but I will not sacrifice my dreams just for this and would never expect another to do that for me. It is what it is.

lighter side
I had never been to dc before last month. I am heading there next week. The last time I was there congress was ironing out the ~~budget~~ bail out bill. Next week I will be there to experience the national election. timing is everything, right?

I heard from a friend yesterday that I haven't in many years. s/he thanked me for something that happened a long time ago. All I can say is you are welcome, you have always been welcome and I am glad I could be there.

Whatever an enemy might do to an enemy,
or a foe to a foe,
the ill-directed mind
can do to you even worse.

it can't always be sunshine

2008-10-26T11:09:00.000-07:00
This is what I know. People love to be happy. People want to be happy. Yet, people are rarely happy for very long. I am no self help artist, although, I do try and help myself. The pendulum which as followed me as long as I can remember has again swung to a familiar place. Inward, always inward. Self-centered loathing. I have spent the better part of two days trying to fight my deep rooted need to punish myself for imperfection. Who do I think I am anyway? Perfection is basically theoretical in the most clinical of settings, let alone human interaction.

Decisions have been made. Back to the basics. I am, I can, I will...

Oh, I turned so far outward, expecting, craving, averting. I let id in, turned ego up and went forth. Recipe for misdeed and disorder. My outward voice became so loud, it was all I can hear. Somewhat reflective of a child's ever changing need belief. I headed face first into a crisis of which the only solution I have ever know is to begin again. Fortunately that is very workable and can be quite positive.

What comes next? Only tomorrow knows.

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me

All's well that...

2008-10-24T12:58:00.000-07:00
abbreviated airport post
Melissa Pierce, in her piece continually asks the question: Is the planned life even worth living? Since I found Melissa and her questions, I have been continuously pondering this and other related questions. I have made her questions my own. My answer, especially today is: Not only is it not worth living, it doesn't exist and if one is delusional to believe it does, one has precluded oneself from real and lasting happiness.

I have most definitely perverted her central theme to fit my life, but I believe that the question is universal and the theme even more so. My life in perpetual beta is just that, beta. Perfection is the end of growing, the end of learning. In software, beta is unfinished. In life, beta is life being lived.

This time

2008-10-23T14:13:00.000-07:00
The onset of my feelings of detachment started early on this week. I got to the point of questioning my literal existence (metaphorically). This is not to say I am wondering about my purpose or place. Nothing so intense. Had a discussion with my brother about it today and wrote a friend as a thought filter device. Instead of rewriting, I will excerpt:

I am working on an army base. That in itself is very sequestering. Where i am staying in St. Louis is not the best neighborhood. I have been told by several people that it is not safe at night. One person told me that a person just up and disappeared from that very neighborhood last week.
discussion with brother:

Me:I believe I exist, so I exist.

My brother is much more literal: I am made of matter, matter is real, therefore I am real.

The point of this all is really that I have come to know that I am in the middle of an extremely long stretch of this kind of schedule and I have not accepted it. Once I do, that is that. All the scheming regarding a way out cause angst. Yo, I know this, I am just not perfect.

After writing this, realization struck. I have been heading this way all week. I began this trip separated from reality and drifted further and further away until I had completely forgotten to remember this.

I am, whether I like it or not. There is no scalpel or hatchet involved here, just me. I love my life and wouldn't trade it, just lost track of it. Thought I disappeared. Craved attention. Fell back. Found a place close enough to center to call home.

Well, I didn’t know, just couldn’t see
The memories of past failures
Like a shadow haunting me

There was a dream
I wanted to come true
But dreams
You know they need to be followed through

That’s why this time, this time
I’m gonna try it my way
I’m gonna live life my way

just notes

2008-10-22T16:51:00.000-07:00
My boss bought me this today. I believe that this object is an extremely expressive representation of the way I live my life right now. The truth is, this thing is really going to make my life a lot easier. After all, that is what technology is supposed to do.

Moving on.

Several souls have moved on lately. I will not go into my personal feelings about this transition; not today. My heartfelt sympathies go out to these families. Loss is never easy.

I have lost several coworkers this week. That chaotic, not sure, hunker down feeling is starting to set in. Communication has slowed and the grapevine has become overgrown. It keeps reaching and reaching; even me out here, alone on the road. Grapes taste good, but the vine can entangle or topple. Stay away. (I never do this). So I am going to say "listen, but don't touch!"

Got contacted by a voice from the past yesterday. This seems like a good lead in for a story, but, actually that is all I have to say about that.

I was walkin' down the street on a sunny day
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba
Feelin' in my bones that I'll have my way
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba

Well, I'm a happy boy (happy boy)
Well, I'm a happy boy (happy boy)
Oh, ain't it good when things are goin' your way? Hey hey

My little dog, Spot got hit by a car
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba
Put his guts in a box and put him in a drawer
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba

I forgot all about it for a month and a half
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba
I looked in the drawer and started to laugh
hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba

life on a base

2008-10-20T20:17:00.000-07:00
first things first this guy has the right idea!

I am "stationed" at an army base in St. Louis this week. I am teaching a class at the USDA. I have not had many (no) experiences hanging out at a base. I have to be honest. The place scares me. there are gigantic white halls that seem to go on forever. All rooms are coldly named by a letter/number combo like h-412. My car was checked for explosives as I entered. As usual, with government agencies, the staff doesn't want to hear a word from me that may involve giving them more work to do. Needless to say, the class is going just ok. The person who brought me in is very intelligent and I can sense her frustration with the fight I am getting from every single person in the class. Every single person, that is, besides the old man in the corner who's mouth is always 1/2 open and seems like he may keel over any second. He somehow missed his cushy government pension and kept on going. (There is always this guy in these classes I teach at government agencies).

I had a crazy weekend (if you wanna call it that). Worked till midnight on Friday; got up went to the gym (great run); came home and took care of whatever home stuff I could do in 6 hours; packed for this week. Proceeded to pick up friend at the airport, jetted to SC and got my get down on. Had a weird but wonderful evening; am making a new friend; so impressed by this person; surprised I am even writing it so publicly. Anyway, strange and twisted time. Had an errand to run first thing in the morning yesterday. Friend needed to ride back over the hill with me. Told person it was time to go and was told that it wasn't time yet and could I return after my errand to pick person up. Actually did that, was the right thing to do, turns out. Picked up my rider, headed back over the hill, dropped rider off, drove to sfo, hopped a plane to St. Louis. Here I am!

(Thanks for being you!)

Wisdom springs from meditation;
without meditation wisdom wanes.
Having known these two paths of progress and decline,
let one so conduct oneself that one's wisdom may increase.

thought storm

2008-10-18T07:14:00.000-07:00
My brain is way out of control this week. It is as if I don't want to have clear thoughts. Even as I am writing this, one hand is pushing forward as the other pushes away. The search continues. Focus is tricky. One can believe that he is interested in self awareness. One can know that this is the purest pursuit possible to man. sometimes this goes well. It always goes well in a box. I don't live in a box. I don't even like to get in the box all that much. But outside that box, neatness counts but is difficult. I cannot even complete this post properly. Inner conflict ensues.

I seldom agree to something I don't want to do. I often find myself in a situation where I believe I have gone to far in to back out. I have a couple of those situations today. Responsibility meets needs. My needs are also my responsibility.

Lots of bad news this week. Although I have been more self centered than usual, I seem to have had enough empathy that others were willing to share their pain and distress with me this week. My heart pours out to them all. Most will be fine with time. One man's family will never be the same. Crossed the intersection at the exact time he was supposed to. Hard for me to say, but he couldn't have been anywhere else than he was, but where he was killed him.

Please love one another and yourselves; life is lousy and such small portions.

pulled it right out of the backside

2008-10-17T21:02:00.000-07:00
well, today was a great taste of startupitis. We worked until none of us could talk in complete or coherent sentences. Not only that, I actually have to work again tomorrow. Mind you, normal engagements end when the contract ends. I feel like it is very important this time to see this one through. I know this will lead up to another week of engagements. Also, I really liked working with these folks. I really want to succeed and for them to succeed. I think what they are doing there is innovative and inspiring. Thank you folks for giving me the opportunity to work in a really enjoyable environment. I am thankful for this week. More to come tomorrow.

spinning

2008-10-16T22:54:00.000-07:00
day upon day...Learning, teaching, listening, talking, leading following. What do I have to say today? almost nothing. I saw nothing of interest today.

Wait, there was one thing. I was outside of the office where I am consulting this week, taking a break. There happens to be an FBI office above the floor I am inhabiting (helps the explanation). A man was standing about 15 feet away from me taking a similar break. He decides I am the one he should talk to.

Him: Do you work in that building?
Me: Yes, for this week.
Him: For the FBI?
Me: Why, do I look like a fed to you?
Him: I don't know, but I have a few things to say to them and this is my first foray (assume back and forth from now on)

ok, (turn away)

you know what, 9/11 was a sham, we have all been fooled!, sorry, I have been drinking, but I am a scientist and I know that an aluminum plane cannot fly through steel girders.

Well, isn't it all about momentum

I am a scientist and I know that it isn't possible

what kind of scientist are you?

well, I am a biologist, but I was the first person from my high school to win the state physics fair, so I know a little about physics and I know that is not possible, we have all been fooled. I have called the police and the fbi, they don't listen.

ok

nobody understands what is happening in this country and I am an angry american.

I agree with you that no one knows what is really going on in this country, least of all us

I think I know what is going on, i have been conducting my own research

It is a dangerous path to walk, to assume that you are the only one who knows what is going on and that everyone else has been fooled, you know no more or less than I do

maybe

I don't believe what is happening in the far reaches of our government is affecting my daily life at the moment and I am certainly not going to worry about it

you are right, but we have all been fooled.

I am not fooled because I don't concern myself with such things. I know what I know and am willing to accept what I don't. nothing to it.

don't be so naive, my friend, do you know kgo radio? I call them every night to tell them what I have learned and they don't want to hear it. (am I bothering you)

no, I do not concern myself with such things.

say do you ever go and get a drink at bosley's over there in the courtyard?

no, I was a bartender for 6 years, I kinda lost my taste for it. (walk away)

This is why I no longer work in a bar. This man has lost so much of his sense of self that the only thing keeping him conscious is the possibility that he may be tapped into some secret that no one else has yet to figure out. He was truly lost. Lost in delusions most glaring.

We all live with these delusions every day. Hey, I think these glasses look good on me. I have no way of knowing that to be true. Delusion.

Trust your mind to be true and righteous. Trust your being to do the right thing. Do not concern yourself with things you cannot see or change. Start from within and work your way out. Make peace with yourself. All else is beyond your control and is a fruitless endeavor.

In every virtue all-accomplished,
with wisdom full and mind composed,
looking within and ever mindful-
thus one crosses the raging flood.

twists and turns

2008-10-15T21:06:00.000-07:00
Planning is so futile. This is almost always true. I used to become unglued by the thought of my well crafted plans turned to dust. I finally figured out that what I had was nothing more than an outline, a framework upon which to build. This is not at all a foundation upon which all is set. The distinction is flimsy but tangible. I am feeling my heart up in my throat with nervous tension. What I had thought to be set was in fact in motion as all things are. My task is to except this and embrace it. This is my life in perpetual beta.

My daughter asked me the other day about today and tomorrow. Was tomorrow still tomorrow and what about today. Oh, I shouldn't have opened that box, but I couldn't resist. It was as much an exercise for me as for her. It basically turned out like this. Today is always today and tomorrow will always be tomorrow. Next time you get a chance, try to explain that to a 4 year old. Fun and humbling at the same time.

Mind precedes all things;
mind is their chief, mind is their maker.
If one speaks or does a deed
with a mind that is pure within,
happiness then follows along
like a never departing shadow.

today was spastically wonderful

2008-10-14T22:05:00.000-07:00
I have been working at Adobe for almost 11 years now, but have been in the consulting group for about 1.5 years. I have not really worked in my own office since then. I usually have assignments at government agencies or banks or insurance houses. These are not usually happy places to work. This week I am assigned to an honest to goodness silicon valley semi-startup company. It has been a long time since I felt the passion and the urgency of such a place. I know that this may seem a bit over the edge here but it has been absolutely sublime to be submerged in an environment where everyone is invested and passionate about their work. I have been detached from such an environment for long enough to really have forgotten what it was all about.

I have been hearing a bunch of rhetoric (as have you all) about American ingenuity. I have thought it BS until this week. It does still exist and in the same place it always was for the last 20 or so years, right here in Silicon Valley!

Go us!

reprinted w/o permission

2008-10-13T19:35:00.000-07:00
Hi,

I live in California and have been fighting hard against Prop 8, but not as hard as some of my friends. This is an email from one of them (identities removed)

Hello,

Yes, not my traditional “howdy” or “what’s up?” or “how’re you?” but “hello”. I’m mad…hell, I’m furious!...and I’m going to do something about it!

Everyone receiving this email knows me personally. For some reason I consider you family or friend or somewhere in between. That includes a certain level of respect for each other and appreciation for our rights as human beings. It’s with this in mind that I write this email.

If anyone reading this email votes “yes” on Prop 8, then please do NOT EVER speak to me again!

Yes, I mean that!

I don’t care what my connection to you is, because if you support Prop 8, you are not welcome in my house or my life EVER again. Period. I don’t care why you vote that way, because in the final analysis it’s a vote that says I’m somehow inferior to you and not deserving of the same basic human rights and privileges you enjoy. That’s bigoted and discriminatory and I will NOT have ANYONE in my life that feels that way!

This is NOT a religious issue, because our country’s founding principles are a separation of Church and State. This is NOT a personal issue, because what I do with the man I love has NOTHING to do with you personally. This is NOT a social issue, as allowing me to form a publically-recognized committed-union with someone I want to spend my life with in NO WAY weakens your marriage. And if you think it does, then your marriage is a pretty crappy sham…

Don’t tell me to calm down, either! >8-(

How would you expect your Black friends to react to your affirmation of some KKK creed? How would your Jewish friends react to you denying the historicity of the Holocaust? How would your female friends respond to being told they are patently inferior and not deserving of equal rights?

THIS is the social movement of our times, no less important or controversial than the Woman’s Suffrage movements of the 1920s or the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s. If you missed out on your chance to DO THE RIGHT THING in the past, then here’s your chance in the present! Support equal rights for all, not just those who look and pray the way you do.

VOTE NO on PROP 8!

And yes, I absolutely mean and will stand by EVERYTHING I’ve written here.

Hugs,
redacted

p.s. – if you want more info…believe me, I’ve a ton. This entire campaign is based on lies and intentional misinterpretations! No Church can be sued any more than it can today (i.e. the Catholic Church will be no more required to perform gay marriages than they are required to marry divorcees today). And comparing polygamous marriage or under-age or sibling marriage as anything related to gay marriage in this proposition is somewhere between an intentional disingenuine straw man argument and a bold-faced LIE. It’s like condemning all people of faith because some zealots blow up buildings…!

First Post

2008-10-13T18:06:00.000-07:00
Description:

MY DAUGHTER TOLD ME SOME TIME BACK THAT SHE WAS GOING TO MAKE A MOVIE WHEN SHE GREW UP. IT WOULD BE CALLED "NOTHING" AND BE ABOUT NOTHING. HER NOTHING IS A BIT DIFFERENT THAN MY NOTHING. HERE IS MY NOTHING.